Details of why I need to blog

Since I started blogging this morning, I have been thinking and wondering if I need to try and explain to myself and to others why I felt I need to blog. As some of us do, especially me, new things consume me, I contemplate them and get a little excited and think of what to do next. As I thought about this today, I really pondered, why...what should I say....do I need to explain more about why I am doing this? Maybe so. January 6th, 2005 my husband left for Iraq. I remember that day clearly. It was a bittersweet day, a long day. It was bittersweet because of course I did not want him to go, but at the same time, I knew that we would be ok and we would get through this deployment with ease and with good communication. See my husband and I had come to a new point in our marriage and communication had become key, and we had reached a good, healthy level and I knew that we would be succesful in getting through this deployment with love, communication and honesty. We were doing damn well too! On that day too, my husband pulled me aside from our girls and my mother in law, and talked to me on last time about his wishes if God forbid anything happened to him. I remember this clearly, just like I remember the first conversation. He had me stand on the fireplace hearth, (I was a good 6 inches short than him) and he held me and told me he loved me but I had to listen, just in case anything happened, but nothing was going to. He said the only thing that can hurt me is an IED and that is by chance, nothing will happen to me. So I listened, with one deaf ear, I did not want to hear this, I did not want to talk about this and I sure as hell did not want to know that he had thought this through. I cried and I thought, well I won't have to remember this, so......thank God my husband talked to me about these things, they helped immensly in the days after his death. My husband came home for R and R on July 1st, 2005. It was a beautiful, fun time. Sure we had our moments, but for the most part it was a lot of fun and very refreshing. I do have to say, that a few days before he left, he sat me down again, and talked to me about his wishes, this time I truly listened a little better, this time I thought damn it, I wish he would stop, but I knew my husband and knew that he would only talk about this if he thought it truly necessary. I am so glad he did. I also remember standing there after he was done talking, in our front office, watching him check his e-mail and I just started bauling and I could not stop. He turned and asked me what was wrong and all I could say is, "I don't know why, but I do not feel as secure this time around as I did when you left in January." He pulled me into his lap and said, don't worry, I will be ok, it is the those shitheads over there that you need to worry about, not me. I kind of laughed and sat there for a few more minutes, still not at ease. I now know why I was not at ease. Nov 6th, 2005 10 months from the time my daughters and I wished him well and took him for his initial trip to Iraq. How ironic. A day that will live on forever in my mind. A day that will never be forgotten. As I sat in my home, with my good friend and neighbor, trying to understand all that was going on, I found myself secretly wanting to check my e-mail and see if this was a mistake, wanting to check my voice mail and see if their was a message after the time they said he had died. Wanting to find anything that would prove they were wrong. I knew I would not find it though. He had e-mailed me earlier that day and told me he was going to have some time that evening and he would call me. We were supposed to make a final decision on pictures we wanted to order of the girls. When he did not call, I just thought he got busy and he would call early in the am, or the next day. Part of me is wondering why I did not know, how I could not know that my love, my husband, had been killed by an IED, why did I not feel something different? Instead I was busy shopping for a new carpet cleaner, feeding and bathing the girls, having dinner with our neighbor Miss K., getting the girls into bed. Worrying about the day to day things, not even aware that my life had changed forever, 6 hours before I found out. This is why I am blogging. I hope to figure these things out, I hope to sort through these memories and moments and get a clear mind out of this. Will that ever happen? Will the fog ever clear completly or will I just continue to just drift through it, day in and day out.