The House

Well, I did it, I made the decision and I will be closing and hopefully moving into our new home on June 1st. It seems to be so far away, yet I know that in the next few weeks, it will just be on me before I know it. The girls are excited about the new house and are ready to move. We saw a lot of little children in the subdivision, so that will be good and FAith will be a mile away from her "good" friend from school. She cannot wait to live "by" Sarah. The girls are also excited about the new "play set" we will get once we move in. The house does not have one right now, so the girls will get one new toy upon our move. They have been asking for one for a few weeks now and I think it may be because the old one has so many memories for them. After we moved here, Joel and I moved an old playset from our neighbors over here to our house and added it to ours. It was awesome and the girls loved it and they have a lot of memories of Papa playing with them and they truly avoid it a lot right now. They don't like to play on it to much and I think it just may be hard for them, just as so many things around this house are hard for me. I am excited about the new house, but I am also so sad, I need to leave, but I don't want to leave him. My fear is, what he comes here to find us and we are gone, what if he walks through the door and it is not his family. I know that will not happen, I know he is dead......I guess as crazy as I may sound, I still expect him to show up...I still expect him to walk through that door any moment. I know he won't, but.....I know his spirit will always be with us and he will know where we are...but.....this is the last home we shared, this is the last place we laughed, cried, hugged, argued, loved, and lived. THis is the home where we worked so hard to make it our home, worked so hard on our relationship and our life together, the home that I called our "happy" home. The home that meant so much to both of us because we loved it and we lived in it hard. I was told today by someone that "you should try not to get to connected to one place for just that reason, it was only a home and he is not there, so it is just a thing, it should not be so hard for you to leave." I was pissed off. I was so mad I wanted to hang up the phone on this person and tell them to go to hell. Who are they to tell me that it should not be hard to leave it, it is only a thing(or whatever they said). I tried to tell them that this home is the last place we lived, the place we worked so hard on everything and really learned and lived in this home, rediscovered our love for eachother in this home. This is the last place he came home to in July. The place he was supposed to come home to in January. I don't think that this person realized how special this home was to Joel and I, how hard it is to leave a place that they were supposed to come home to. The memories that are here... I know it is only a thing and I know I will have my memories forever, but damnit..... On one side, it is so hard to be here, so hard to focus and concentrate, to keep it clean. On the other side, it is so hard to let it go, so hard to leave it for the reasons I mentioned before. However, for my girls, for my sanity and for our happiness I know I need to. When I told some of the family that we were selling the house, they thought I was going to come home, that we would move back and I told them, "no, we cannot leave GA yet, but in time I will know the full answer, I just know right now I need to leave homes, not the state". I know they want us to be near them, so they can help, so we can all heal, but I just cannot bear to leave yet. The girls are still as fragile as little eggs and I am still not completly stable yet, not enough for a long move. I have not accomplished all I need to yet. I know in time I will know what I need to do, but until then......I just feel bad that I am not satisfying their needs to, almost a little guilty I guess. I just don't want to hurt anyone by not coming home. I hope they understand that staying here has made me stronger, has made me face the days, even the ones where I don't want to.