Tough times

The last few days have been very difficult. I realized that in the last few days I have been spending loads of time and energy running away from our home. It is so difficult for me to be in the house, I cannot bear to go into the office anymore, I keep the doors shut and spend maybe a total of 10 or 15 minutes a week in that room. I finally came to a decision, I need to move. I have to, this is starting to affect my girls and I cannot stand for that. I need to do what is best for them. It is going to be so damn hard selling this house, it is going to be one of the toughest things I will have to do in this process. Part of me wants to keep it, but I just know I cannot bear owning it and know that someone is renting it from me and get pissed off when or if I know they have done something I don't like. So, I am making the hard decision of moving. I am looking for a home, here in Columbus, but I am so confused right now. Am I doing the right thing? I am not sure. I have started going through the stuff in the garage. I have spent maybe a total of 10 awake hours in this house in the last week, I am either gone, outside or in the garage. I started cleaning the garage today, getting ready for a move and I came across Joel's footlockers. Damn it, damn it......it was so hard, going through all the letters, the pictures, the medals.....augh....the uniforms.....things he will never touch again. It has been so damn hard, I am spent, but I still have so much to do, so much to work on. Why....why him....why us.....why, why, why. I know I will not ever have that answer, not until the time is right. I am facing a lot of thing right now that I don't think I let myself face in the begining, I just went through his footlockers real quick when they got here and put them away, now I am going through it, thoroughly and it is so f***ing hard, so painful. I knwo I have to do it, I won't let anyone else do it......I hurt so bad right now, I just wish the pain would go away. Emotional pain is so much worse that physical pain, this pain cannot go away with a pill or a shot.....still, I wish it would be disipitate some.