Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I have thought a lot lately about staying here in Columbus or moving back home. Right now I know I cannot make a clear decision, I just wish to hell I could. Parts of me wants to go home and be near family, let them help me through this, draw on them and let them give me support, especially with the girls on those very long, very hard days. The other part of me is saying to stay still, to wait, to take my time. I do not want to up and move and create more turmoil for my girls by taking them away from everything they know, their friends and schools. I also have always found myself to be a person who seems to think I always have to get through everything on my own, with phone support and friendships. That is what I did when my brother passed 8 1/2 years ago, and through other difficult times in my life, I find myself thinking I need to do that this time as well. I am not sure if that is always healthy, but I find it very hard to rely on others and say "I am going home for help". God love my parents and Joel's parents who want to help the girls and I through this, but.......I know I need to rely on them for strength and keep talking to them, I just don't think I can leave Columbus right now. I know I need to stop pushing away from them and other friends and family, which is something else I have found that I do when I am going through hard times, I push away, not wanting others to see me weak. I know that is hard to understand and I know I have hurt a lot of friends by doing that and I sure as heck do not intend to hurt them, I just don't know how to ask for help and still be strong. So for those of you whom I have pulled away from and pushed away, I do apologize for any pain I have caused.....I could give a list of people but those of you who have experienced this from me, you know who you are and I am so very sorry. Tonight the girls and I ran an errand before bedtime, and as we were pulling into the drive way, Faith said, "mama, those numbers, Papa did that and he was upset, remember?" I thought, holy crap! How in the world does she remember that, it was two years ago that we put those up and he was a little upset that day. He was having a hard time getting the 2 to look lined up with the other numbers, but finally he just said, it looks good enough to me. It does, it looks great and it was something that I tend to over look at times, but it also gave me a huge moment of clarity. Faith has a lot of memories here, good ones, and so do Bren and I, I cannot take that away from them or myself right now. I cannot leave this home, not yet. They are still going through this process, along with me, and I cannot cheat them out of memories that may come at fleeting moments. Just like those numbers, how many times have we seen those in the last 3 1/2 months? This was the first time she brough it up. I love that little girl and her memory, it is awesome. Today she had a huge moment, or at least I thought it was. We were driving down the road and I was feeling pretty yucky, overtired, upset stomach.....I thought I was going to be sick and Faith said, "mama, I wish you were not feeling bad, but don't throw up on me." It was hysterical, but I could not laugh, I felt to bad. She said, "mama, who laughed?" It was not me and so I said, no one honey. She was adamant that she heard someone laugh, so I asked her if it was close to her ear and sounded like they were next to her, she said yes. I thought, it had to have been her papa, did she hear him like I sometimes swear I can hear him laughing at different things? I thought, well no better time than now to explain this to her. So I proceeded to tell her about hearing him sometimes, when I really have an open mind, open my heart and hear him. I said, so Faith I think you heard him laugh, that is so awesome that you hear him. So she kept trying to talk to him, got upset that she did not hear it again, and I told her to just be still, listen and open her heart to God and her papa, she was quiet for a long time, then said, "mama, I heard him again, he said, he, he, haha". It was so precious and very heart breaking at the same time, but I thank God for giving me the strength to explain that to her, to help her understand that and I pray that she will keep opening her heart to hear papa. For those of you who saw Faith shortly after Joel died, and weeks after everyone left, you knew how angry and confused she was, it was clearly evident, she has come a long way from avoiding any talking of her papa, to openly talking about him, her memories and hearing him. This is going to be a long road, but I think we will make it, that I pray for daily.