Blahs

So I'm feeling a bit blah'ish(is that a word?)  There are a lot of things on my plate right now and for some reason I don't really feel interested in doing them.  I don't know if it is fear, guilt for still having the opportunity to do things, guilt for being able to do things but knowing it is going to take some of the money Joel left for us or just plain laziness.  I'm confused, I'm hurting, and I feel a lot of weight on my shoulders right now.  I don't like this feeling...I don't like not knowing and I really don't like not feeling in control, which is how I feel right now. 

Grief

Grief..it is an emotion that last forever.  Wikipedia defines it like this:  Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions.  Yep, that sounds about right, but what people don't realize or understand is that it is something that stays with you forever.  This emotion just doesn't come when you loose someone and after that magical year it leaves.  It remains with you forever, it becomes a part of who you are, how you live and how you learn to re-live your life. 
Often times I have had people say, "but your better now, right?  You don't hurt anymore, it been 5 years."  Are you kidding me?  Really?  Sometimes I want to slap these people and say, REALLY?!  But I always respond with, "Well I don't cry everyday now, but I will always miss him and always love him.  It just doesn't go away."  That is the hard truth, grief never goes away.  It is a part of you forever, and ever.  It is something I am teaching my kids and am now helping a very dear friend understand this as well.  She lost her brother one year ago and as I watch this friend grieve, cry and hurt all I can do is offer hugs, prayers and tell her she will be OK.  The pain will eventually find it's place in your life where you can manage it and you will smile again, you will laugh again.  I think the biggest thing to understand when you are the one grieving is that it is OK to laugh, smile and be happy.  That you are not betraying them, that this is what our loved ones would want.  But that damn guilt sets in and you hurt all over again for still laughing, even for still being here, alive.  When my brother died it took me many, many years to understand this and after Joel died it all finally sunk in.  It all made sense, it didn't make it easier but at least I knew somehow someway I was going to make it.  I have made it and I am still making it each day.  Grief...it is a complicated emotion and it should not be taken lightly.  Grief is now a part of who I am and it will always be this way.  But I can still laugh, be happy and move forward, I have made grief an OK part of my life and for that I am happy.

Doing well

This morning I had a huge moment.  We woke up late, kid's were rushed for everything, plus one still had to shower before the bus arrived at 645.  We pushed, we helped, we got them ready and before we knew it they were ready and at the door waiting for the bus.  As soon as they walked out of the door Justin said, "well that was a great morning!"  It was, despite the rush and the hustle it was a great morning.  It dawned on me that this is what Joel would want(not the sleeping in and running late, he HATED running late!) but the happiness that was a part of all the rushing.   The smiles, the hugs and the I love yous that were scattered in all the morning hustle.  My girls are happy, truly happy.  They smile, they laugh and they say I love you more times in a day then I can count.  They still miss their papa, they still ask questions and they still hurt at times.  It's normal, it's OK and it is healthy to feel that way and talk about it.  I'm just glad that we are moving forward in this process, that we are finding love and happiness even in our darkest moments.  I think this is what God wants for us.  In our darkest hours we are to turn to him for comfort and light and we will see and find love, happiness and maybe some answers.  I think we are doing well..indeed we are.

Update of the kids.

My little guy on Christmas Eve...he got a T-ball set from his Mema and Pepa...Meet Wyatt!

Christmas Day..sporting his Carhart Overall's like Daddy and his new Cowboy Hat.

Brenna(wearing a hand knit hat).  She's 8 now!

My pretty Brenna modeling a handknit hat for a niece of mine.

Faith modeling another hat.  She will be 10 soon!

My Pretty little lady!

Tough Month(s)

It has been a hard month...make that a few tough months.  Back in September I felt as though life was moving forward, that we all(in the Cahill family) were getting stronger and healing.  People were laughing more, trips together were being planned, then October came.  Joel's second oldest brother was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma Brain Cancer...such a nasty sounding word.  I guess it fits, because it is a nasty form of brain cancer.  My heart has broken a million times over, my heart aches for my family but mostly for those kid's who will endure the loss of a parent.  For my mother-in-law who will loose yet another son.  I know we are all praying for a miracle, begging God to be merciful on this family and hoping for the answer's to our prayers, but also preparing ourselves for the day when his time will end.  My heart aches.  I can't fix it, I can't change it.  I can't do a damn thing and it makes me angry.  These last few months have brought up a lot of pain, a lot of questions and ultimately a lot of hope.   Hope for the future and that Randy will have some healthy and happy days ahead.  Hope that the children will be able to enjoy the time they have left with their father and have peace in the days to come.  Hope that this tragedy that has fallen upon this family(yet again) will strengthen it and not break it again.  I am praying that even through this sense of loss that we will all find healing.  My heart aches...oh does it ache.

The above link in the title will take you to Randy's page.  You can read about his journey, learn who he is and maybe say a few prayers for him.

Another go

Well here I am again, finding myself in need to write.  I have been writing on another blog, mostly about knitting. It helps, but I found myself reading through a few of the later blogs and I got sad....really sad.  I know I have let a lot of people down not writing any more.  I wish I had kept at it, but I guess I have some guilt.  I feel like I need to push forward on moving on, but the truth is I will never move past my first love, I will never move past the pain that lingers in my heart and I will never, ever move past the memories that are forever burned into my head and heart.  So as I sit here just rambling and writing...I feel as though I need to keep posting here, that I need to still have an outlet for me and my feelings of loss.  Not of knitting.  I have a whole new blog just for that and I will try to keep it all up.  I know I can do and Lord knows I have the time, right now.  So here's to a new year, a new path of writing and more moving forward.  I know I can do this...I've done a lot harder things now haven't I?!
ps....so sorry to all of you that I have left behind.  I didn't mean to hurt, upset or worry anyone.  My deepest apologies.
pps....my new blog is http://cgknits.blogspot.com/

Lack of Motivation

So I find myself very unmotivated today. Maybe it was the busy weekend, maybe it is just because it is Monday and back to the daily grind. I don't know, but I need to find it and fast! I can't seem to complete this sock monkey, I still have the tail and hair to do. I have a skirt on the needles I need to work on, a blanket that is going to take me forever at the rate I am going and two orders for hats....I need to find that motivation and fast! Plus a looming craft fair. It isn't until October but at the rate this year is flying by it will be here before I know it! Come on Mary...get MOTIVATED!!

Not Happy

So the sock monkey is going...not well, but going. I am not happy with the yarn I am using. It splits and drop's funny. I usually love this brand, but this skein is terrible. I am thinking about putting it to the side and starting a new one, but I don't want to waste it...so I am going to continue. I don't know what to do about it, but I will figure it out somehow! Pictures tomorrow to see how poorly this is really looking.

New Projects

So I am working on about 10 projects right now, waiting on yarn so I can start two more and have no idea how in the world I will get it all done by Christmas. Yes, I said Christmas. I know, it's months away and there is plenty of time. I'm talking about hand knit gifts. A gigantor blanket, millions of hats and scarves and a hundred little things for the kid's I can't figure out. I have 28 nieces and nephews, many parent's and parent's in laws and a few more great grands to throw in there. Hmmm...my flimsy fingers better get to moving. For now I have a little sock monkey I am knitting. I will post a picture tomorrow with hopefully at least the body done. A friend of mine asked me to make this for her daughter to hang on her rear view mirror. So I am off to town today to get stuffing and little velcro strips for the hands. She should be cute. Pic's to come soon.

A Fresh Start...a new perspective from me.

So here I am once again. It has been forever since I have looked at or even thought about writing on the blog. I guess there are many reasons for that. Life got busy...really, really busy. I got overwhelmed and probably a little bit of guilt for trudging up the past on a regular basis. So here we are...a Fresh New Start. An update on all that has changed and all that hasn't. So we will start with what hasn't. I still miss Joel with each passing moment. I still watch my girls in awe and wonder how I got SO lucky. We still smile at some memories, cry with others and hurt with the ache of loosing a loved one. I am still me, a little more rough around the edges, a little more loving and compassionate but still me. My girls are still beautiful and amazing. They still amaze me with their strength each and every day. They are my life. So what has changed....OH BOY a lot! First off I live in Victoria, Texas and love it. We have a small house on almost 6 acres. It's not much but it is ours and my kid's are happy here. They love it out here, with the exception of riding a school bus. Next...I'm married. Spiritually, not legally. We will have been married for 2 years in June and it has been great. We married spiritually because of many reason, which I may or may not go into later. My last name is still the same, I won't be changing it. Justin is ok with this and so am I. Some people don't understand but they don't live my life now do they? The next huge thing is our little group that we call a family grew. We had a little boy, Wyatt Cash. He is 16 months old and one of the best things that happened to the girls and I. He is just as amazing as his big sisters and a ton of fun. The next thing that has changed but is not a huge thing is I have learned how to knit. I love it, it comes pretty natural to me, but it is fun, relaxing and my new addiction. I bring this up because this is the new direction my blog is going to be taking. It will still be and the kid's but it will also be a lot about what I am doing knitting wise. It is now evolving into a whole life blog and that makes me happy and I think that would make Joel happy to see me moving forward. So here we go. I know many of you have stopped following this and some of you still are(hello Glo) so bear with me and stick around for the creations that I have in my head. Take care and it is good to be back.

I am back!!

Hello all! Well we are all back, happy and tired but back home. It was a wonderful weekend, a lot of fun and a lot of hugs, new faces, smiles and laughs. It was a good weekend. That is probably the best I can say. To see my sister again, to hold her little ones and watch them run and play with my kids, was just to cool. Faith was a little mother hen to my sisters littlest boy(I am withholding names until she says it is ok to write them), it was so cute! She loved running around with him, chasing him and "being in charge". It was so cute. My Bren was all over my sisters oldest son and tried to be buddy buddy with the middle boy, but I think their personalities are to similar so they clashed just a little. You know it was funny, I was watching my sisters second little guy and he made a face at me when I asked him something and for a minute I thought I was talking to Bren. Their facial expressions and attitudes are soo similar. It is to cute, the bad thing for me is I now know this trate Bren has actually comes from my side of the family, not Joel's like I always thought! Hahaha..... I am going to post some pictures soon, I need to get permision from my sister first, but I will post some of my girls swimming and playing at the pool. They had a blast at the water park/pool. It was good for me to be there too, it has been so long since I have been back to that part of South Dakota. It is so pretty out there, the hills, the trees....just beautiful. I want to get back soon, to make more of a trip out of it, to see more of what I miss and most importantly see my sister again.

Leaving tomorrow!

Ok, so we leave tomorrow morning at 629am! Could I have picked a better time or what? The girls are really excited for this trip, they are going to be meeting there Aunt for the first time and some new cousins! They cannot wait. Part of me feels really sad that I have not introduced them yet, but the other part of me says get over it and just go see your sister! That is what I am doing. I know Joel would be glad that the girls are finally meeting her and her kiddos. I just wish he were with us. I guess tomorrow will be a bitter sweet moment for us, or rather me but at least I have all of the good memories of that day. My 40 pound dress, my bustle that kept breaking, my brother, Melissa and his oldest daughter were there, my brother cutting his hair, finding out about their baby #2. Memories I would not trade for anything, it just makes me sad that they are only memories of a past life that I can't live anymore. I miss him...more than I ever thought it was possible to miss one person. I don't feel as lost anymore, but I sure as hell still don't feel like the old me. I guess I never will and I know this and normally I am ok with it but today I don't feel like being ok right now, I am just wallowing and I guess damn it, I deserve to today! I will be back on Sunday! Talk to you all then, unless of course I can find a computer to get onto!

Kindergarten Roundup

Today is the day Bren and I chose to go to K-round up. Well, I chose anyways. Brenna does not want to go, in any way is she looking forward to going to the school today. It is actually really funny. Anytime we mention "school" she says, "I don't want to hear it! It is not for me!" Ummm......sorry Bren, but school is not an option. She has got it in her head the kindergarten is for little girls and in her mind, she is almost 6 and should not be there, she should be with her big sister in 1st grade with her fun teacher. Oh boy! I have 4 months to get her ready and pumped for kindergarten....I can already see the first day. Tempertantrum city, screaming and crying....fighting to leave the classroom and it will take 4 people to hold her back! I just know it is going to be a nightmare! UGH!!!!! Say some prayers for me everyone! With this little girl, I need all the help I can get! I don't know where she gets her drama act from!!! ;)

May 15

May 15th.......right around the corner. 6 days. It would have been 9 years this year. It is hard to beleive that this day that means so much to me and was always a happy day is now a sad day. A day that I think about a lot, cry about and wish I could celebrate it with Joel. I remember this day like it was yesterday. The flowers, my friends, my dress, my family......my new husband and how handsome he looked in his dress blues. In one fell swoop it was gone. Taken in the blink of an eye and now I am left to dwell on the memories and dream about the past. I guess it is a little bit of a down moment for right now. The first two anniversaries....I dwelled on it for weeks...was miserable. This year I am trying to do it differently. To be a little stronger, more brave and move forward in a way that is not so painful for the month of May. Actually, on the 15th this year I will be flying to go see my sister for the first time in 9 years. I will get to hug my nephew who was a peanut the last time I saw him and now he is almost as tall as me and tickle two more whom I have never met. My sister will finally get to meet my little girls. It is going to be a great weekend, I just know it. I guess it will be a good thing to do on this day I have now learned to dread instead of be happy and celebrate. I know in time(I wish it was now) I will find a way to be happy on this day, to celebrate the 15th because of the way it impacted my life and made me the person I am. I just still have to get there.

Rose Buds and Hanging Baskets

I got this in a forward today and I had to laugh my butt off! It is one of those silly forwards, but it is SO relative to things today that I had to share it. I can't tell you how many teenagers (and mama wanna be teenagers) that I have seen in shirts like that! Have a good read!

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show! And out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.....The grandmother says, loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. Happy Gardening.

Rain rain go away!

My sister gets over 3 feet of snow, I get a days worth of rain and more! My sister lives in SD, way west, not far from Wyoming and they got dumped on by the snow machine last week. I was all happy and he, he, heeing over it. I am not now! We have gotten around 4 inches of rain, give or take a little and all in the time span of just one day. It poured all day long, my back yard looks like a swamp, but I guess I can see my grass and not just snow drifts!! I guess I am complaining about the rain a little, but at least it is not snow! Also, thanks to all who helped me with my little issue. I know it seems trivial and silly, but I really did not know what to do. My sister reminded me that this is an open forum, on the world wide web and I cannot control who reads this or not. The only thing I can try to control is how certain people use the information they read on this forum. I am not sure how I will do it just yet, but I will figure it out. So I am back, writing about what I need to write, doing what I need to do to keep moving forward and just living life. That is all I can do for now. I will be back tomorrow with more stories and information, gotta go scrub my two hoodlums for now. They both are looking pretty ratty!

The Truck is FOUND!!!

OK, so we found the truck! Yippee!!! (kind of) So on Saturday Justin found out that they found his truck in a border town called Laredo, it is in the South Western Part of the state, more west than south. The Sheriff he talked to said, it was in ok condition and probably drivable, it was just missing the back seat and the steering column was torn apart. We thought, ok not to bad, we just have to figure out a time and way to get to Laredo and get the truck. So on Tuesday Justin finally talked to the owner of the wrecker company where his truck was being stored. Ohhhhhh the Sheriff was sooooo wrong!!!! Here is the run down on his truck. The two back tires are flat, oh I mean slashed, the whole back seat plus the little storage area under the seats were torn out. The front seats are "not great" according to the man he spoke to, the steering column is not just torn up, but destroyed and they were hot wiring the truck to start it, so wires are everywhere. They had to disengage the drive shaft to tow the truck so the man suggested that Justin has it towed to the final destination for repairs so they can properly engage the drive shaft. Oh what a mess. We are waiting for the insurance company to tell him what they are planning on doing with the truck. If it is going to be claimed as a total loss or if they think that the repairs will be best. Some people are telling us that he can refuse to take the truck since it was stolen and used illegally, but I am not sure what the payout will be if he does that. I just hope that this all works out, for the better and soon! Well, it is time to go play with my Brenna. She is waiting so patiently in the toy room for me. I better go be a good mama and play.

Explanation and Help

Sorry that I have been off for the last 6 days. I have been hesitant in writing on the blog lately. Someone is reading my blog that I would rather they not read it. There are so many things that I need and want to write about, but I am keeping it tucked in for now. So for the next few days or so until I can get this sorted out, it is going to be pretty superficial and boring. I decided that I can't just leave my writing and thoughts alone again like I did a few months earlier, but I also can't let everything out like I have in the past, or I feel like that is the nice thing to do. On the flip side though, I have had another thought. This is my forum to write what I feel and how I feel and I should be able to do that, no matter who is reading it. There is a small part of me that feels like I should write whatever I want, no matter what and let it out. If the person that is reading this gets there feelings hurt, then oh well, they should have called me and gotten some of this information for themselves, right? (on the other flip side, I could call them and tell them my feelings and have it all out, but I am to chicken to do that.) I just don't know what to do. There is so much that I want to write and need to, but I feel like my private space is being invaded, all because of the selfishness of one person. I am really upset with them right now.

Glo

You did make me laugh girl! I can SO relate to everything you wrote. I think I have said before that I am not from these parts at all! I am so not a city girl, I grew up in Hot Springs, SD and went to college in Omaha at Creighton University. If you have ever been to Hot Springs then you know that I did not grow up in a big city, nor was it a town with a lot of luxury! Before living in Hot Springs, I lived in a tiny town called Howard, this is where everyone knows you are in town(even if it has been 3 years since the last visit), even before you hit the edge of town. I miss the small town living actually but I do not miss the gossip and chatter that comes along with it. Hopefully in a year or two we will be out of Houston, (that is the plan for now) and on a little chunk of land in the country or in that small town lifestyle not far from the city but far enough that it does not crawl in your back door. Thanks for making me laugh Glo!

Getting On Track

Ok, so life is getting better, I think. No news on the truck, it will take about 20 to 30 days to process so in the meantime we are just hoping that if it does turn up at this point, it is deemed a total loss. I know that sounds a little strange, but at this point if it is returned, who knows what kind of shape it is in! So other than the truck being stolen, life is pretty darn boring around here. I am trying to stay on top of the house work (I will let you all know when I finally make that happen!), get the girls to all of their activities and keep running. Pretty normal, pretty boring but I am finding that I am ok with this! The less drama and heartache the better! One thing that has been happening is Bren is going through her second grieving phase I think. She has had a tough time with it all and been really sad and frustrated. I am grateful that she is able to verbalize to me how she is feeling, but at the same time, I still wish she did not have to go through this. I am also very grateful that she has her big sister to help her. At night when they are going to bed, I can hear them whispering in their room about papa and how they both miss him and then Faith telling Brenna what she thinks or does to make her feel better. The first time I heard Faith say this to Bren, I sat there and cried. I am glad that she is brave and strong enough to do this though, I think it is good for Brenna to hear it from her big sis and not just from mama or Justin. This has been going on for a few weeks now, I have not written much about it because this has been really hard on all of us. Bren is a very sensitive little girl and when she is sad, she gets really sad and very down on herself. It has been hard for me to help her, cope with it and get her through it. So to write about it has been even more difficult. I don't know if I have even really talked about it to many people. It is scary at times and very easy to tell myself I am not doing it right, if I was, my daughter would not be so sad or would not get down on herself. I know that is not true, I know that is just how she is, she is like her mama. Speaking of Bren, she is sitting here thumbing Faith's guitar strings and patiently waiting for me to be done, so I suppose I better get to it. I will let you know if I stay on top of that house work! YEAH RIGHT!!!!!