I am back!!

Hello all! Well we are all back, happy and tired but back home. It was a wonderful weekend, a lot of fun and a lot of hugs, new faces, smiles and laughs. It was a good weekend. That is probably the best I can say. To see my sister again, to hold her little ones and watch them run and play with my kids, was just to cool. Faith was a little mother hen to my sisters littlest boy(I am withholding names until she says it is ok to write them), it was so cute! She loved running around with him, chasing him and "being in charge". It was so cute. My Bren was all over my sisters oldest son and tried to be buddy buddy with the middle boy, but I think their personalities are to similar so they clashed just a little. You know it was funny, I was watching my sisters second little guy and he made a face at me when I asked him something and for a minute I thought I was talking to Bren. Their facial expressions and attitudes are soo similar. It is to cute, the bad thing for me is I now know this trate Bren has actually comes from my side of the family, not Joel's like I always thought! Hahaha..... I am going to post some pictures soon, I need to get permision from my sister first, but I will post some of my girls swimming and playing at the pool. They had a blast at the water park/pool. It was good for me to be there too, it has been so long since I have been back to that part of South Dakota. It is so pretty out there, the hills, the trees....just beautiful. I want to get back soon, to make more of a trip out of it, to see more of what I miss and most importantly see my sister again.

Leaving tomorrow!

Ok, so we leave tomorrow morning at 629am! Could I have picked a better time or what? The girls are really excited for this trip, they are going to be meeting there Aunt for the first time and some new cousins! They cannot wait. Part of me feels really sad that I have not introduced them yet, but the other part of me says get over it and just go see your sister! That is what I am doing. I know Joel would be glad that the girls are finally meeting her and her kiddos. I just wish he were with us. I guess tomorrow will be a bitter sweet moment for us, or rather me but at least I have all of the good memories of that day. My 40 pound dress, my bustle that kept breaking, my brother, Melissa and his oldest daughter were there, my brother cutting his hair, finding out about their baby #2. Memories I would not trade for anything, it just makes me sad that they are only memories of a past life that I can't live anymore. I miss him...more than I ever thought it was possible to miss one person. I don't feel as lost anymore, but I sure as hell still don't feel like the old me. I guess I never will and I know this and normally I am ok with it but today I don't feel like being ok right now, I am just wallowing and I guess damn it, I deserve to today! I will be back on Sunday! Talk to you all then, unless of course I can find a computer to get onto!

Kindergarten Roundup

Today is the day Bren and I chose to go to K-round up. Well, I chose anyways. Brenna does not want to go, in any way is she looking forward to going to the school today. It is actually really funny. Anytime we mention "school" she says, "I don't want to hear it! It is not for me!" Ummm......sorry Bren, but school is not an option. She has got it in her head the kindergarten is for little girls and in her mind, she is almost 6 and should not be there, she should be with her big sister in 1st grade with her fun teacher. Oh boy! I have 4 months to get her ready and pumped for kindergarten....I can already see the first day. Tempertantrum city, screaming and crying....fighting to leave the classroom and it will take 4 people to hold her back! I just know it is going to be a nightmare! UGH!!!!! Say some prayers for me everyone! With this little girl, I need all the help I can get! I don't know where she gets her drama act from!!! ;)

May 15

May 15th.......right around the corner. 6 days. It would have been 9 years this year. It is hard to beleive that this day that means so much to me and was always a happy day is now a sad day. A day that I think about a lot, cry about and wish I could celebrate it with Joel. I remember this day like it was yesterday. The flowers, my friends, my dress, my family......my new husband and how handsome he looked in his dress blues. In one fell swoop it was gone. Taken in the blink of an eye and now I am left to dwell on the memories and dream about the past. I guess it is a little bit of a down moment for right now. The first two anniversaries....I dwelled on it for weeks...was miserable. This year I am trying to do it differently. To be a little stronger, more brave and move forward in a way that is not so painful for the month of May. Actually, on the 15th this year I will be flying to go see my sister for the first time in 9 years. I will get to hug my nephew who was a peanut the last time I saw him and now he is almost as tall as me and tickle two more whom I have never met. My sister will finally get to meet my little girls. It is going to be a great weekend, I just know it. I guess it will be a good thing to do on this day I have now learned to dread instead of be happy and celebrate. I know in time(I wish it was now) I will find a way to be happy on this day, to celebrate the 15th because of the way it impacted my life and made me the person I am. I just still have to get there.

Rose Buds and Hanging Baskets

I got this in a forward today and I had to laugh my butt off! It is one of those silly forwards, but it is SO relative to things today that I had to share it. I can't tell you how many teenagers (and mama wanna be teenagers) that I have seen in shirts like that! Have a good read!

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show! And out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.....The grandmother says, loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. Happy Gardening.

Rain rain go away!

My sister gets over 3 feet of snow, I get a days worth of rain and more! My sister lives in SD, way west, not far from Wyoming and they got dumped on by the snow machine last week. I was all happy and he, he, heeing over it. I am not now! We have gotten around 4 inches of rain, give or take a little and all in the time span of just one day. It poured all day long, my back yard looks like a swamp, but I guess I can see my grass and not just snow drifts!! I guess I am complaining about the rain a little, but at least it is not snow! Also, thanks to all who helped me with my little issue. I know it seems trivial and silly, but I really did not know what to do. My sister reminded me that this is an open forum, on the world wide web and I cannot control who reads this or not. The only thing I can try to control is how certain people use the information they read on this forum. I am not sure how I will do it just yet, but I will figure it out. So I am back, writing about what I need to write, doing what I need to do to keep moving forward and just living life. That is all I can do for now. I will be back tomorrow with more stories and information, gotta go scrub my two hoodlums for now. They both are looking pretty ratty!

The Truck is FOUND!!!

OK, so we found the truck! Yippee!!! (kind of) So on Saturday Justin found out that they found his truck in a border town called Laredo, it is in the South Western Part of the state, more west than south. The Sheriff he talked to said, it was in ok condition and probably drivable, it was just missing the back seat and the steering column was torn apart. We thought, ok not to bad, we just have to figure out a time and way to get to Laredo and get the truck. So on Tuesday Justin finally talked to the owner of the wrecker company where his truck was being stored. Ohhhhhh the Sheriff was sooooo wrong!!!! Here is the run down on his truck. The two back tires are flat, oh I mean slashed, the whole back seat plus the little storage area under the seats were torn out. The front seats are "not great" according to the man he spoke to, the steering column is not just torn up, but destroyed and they were hot wiring the truck to start it, so wires are everywhere. They had to disengage the drive shaft to tow the truck so the man suggested that Justin has it towed to the final destination for repairs so they can properly engage the drive shaft. Oh what a mess. We are waiting for the insurance company to tell him what they are planning on doing with the truck. If it is going to be claimed as a total loss or if they think that the repairs will be best. Some people are telling us that he can refuse to take the truck since it was stolen and used illegally, but I am not sure what the payout will be if he does that. I just hope that this all works out, for the better and soon! Well, it is time to go play with my Brenna. She is waiting so patiently in the toy room for me. I better go be a good mama and play.

Explanation and Help

Sorry that I have been off for the last 6 days. I have been hesitant in writing on the blog lately. Someone is reading my blog that I would rather they not read it. There are so many things that I need and want to write about, but I am keeping it tucked in for now. So for the next few days or so until I can get this sorted out, it is going to be pretty superficial and boring. I decided that I can't just leave my writing and thoughts alone again like I did a few months earlier, but I also can't let everything out like I have in the past, or I feel like that is the nice thing to do. On the flip side though, I have had another thought. This is my forum to write what I feel and how I feel and I should be able to do that, no matter who is reading it. There is a small part of me that feels like I should write whatever I want, no matter what and let it out. If the person that is reading this gets there feelings hurt, then oh well, they should have called me and gotten some of this information for themselves, right? (on the other flip side, I could call them and tell them my feelings and have it all out, but I am to chicken to do that.) I just don't know what to do. There is so much that I want to write and need to, but I feel like my private space is being invaded, all because of the selfishness of one person. I am really upset with them right now.

Glo

You did make me laugh girl! I can SO relate to everything you wrote. I think I have said before that I am not from these parts at all! I am so not a city girl, I grew up in Hot Springs, SD and went to college in Omaha at Creighton University. If you have ever been to Hot Springs then you know that I did not grow up in a big city, nor was it a town with a lot of luxury! Before living in Hot Springs, I lived in a tiny town called Howard, this is where everyone knows you are in town(even if it has been 3 years since the last visit), even before you hit the edge of town. I miss the small town living actually but I do not miss the gossip and chatter that comes along with it. Hopefully in a year or two we will be out of Houston, (that is the plan for now) and on a little chunk of land in the country or in that small town lifestyle not far from the city but far enough that it does not crawl in your back door. Thanks for making me laugh Glo!

Getting On Track

Ok, so life is getting better, I think. No news on the truck, it will take about 20 to 30 days to process so in the meantime we are just hoping that if it does turn up at this point, it is deemed a total loss. I know that sounds a little strange, but at this point if it is returned, who knows what kind of shape it is in! So other than the truck being stolen, life is pretty darn boring around here. I am trying to stay on top of the house work (I will let you all know when I finally make that happen!), get the girls to all of their activities and keep running. Pretty normal, pretty boring but I am finding that I am ok with this! The less drama and heartache the better! One thing that has been happening is Bren is going through her second grieving phase I think. She has had a tough time with it all and been really sad and frustrated. I am grateful that she is able to verbalize to me how she is feeling, but at the same time, I still wish she did not have to go through this. I am also very grateful that she has her big sister to help her. At night when they are going to bed, I can hear them whispering in their room about papa and how they both miss him and then Faith telling Brenna what she thinks or does to make her feel better. The first time I heard Faith say this to Bren, I sat there and cried. I am glad that she is brave and strong enough to do this though, I think it is good for Brenna to hear it from her big sis and not just from mama or Justin. This has been going on for a few weeks now, I have not written much about it because this has been really hard on all of us. Bren is a very sensitive little girl and when she is sad, she gets really sad and very down on herself. It has been hard for me to help her, cope with it and get her through it. So to write about it has been even more difficult. I don't know if I have even really talked about it to many people. It is scary at times and very easy to tell myself I am not doing it right, if I was, my daughter would not be so sad or would not get down on herself. I know that is not true, I know that is just how she is, she is like her mama. Speaking of Bren, she is sitting here thumbing Faith's guitar strings and patiently waiting for me to be done, so I suppose I better get to it. I will let you know if I stay on top of that house work! YEAH RIGHT!!!!!

Crazy, Crazy!!!

Ok, so as if the last weeks were not enough to scare me and make me want to get the heck out of Houston, Justin's truck got stolen Friday from a Hooters Restaurant! He is so sad, upset and worried. I feel so bad for him and can't help but keep thinking that we need to get the heck out of dodge and leave it in the dust. I know this type of stuff happens every day everywhere, but the fact that it is happening so close to home and to us makes it even scarier. After getting over the initial shock of his truck being gone and getting used to the fact that we can't just load up the 4-wheeler and go let the girls ride, or load up junk and take it to the dump, we will be ok. Justin is actually doing surprisingly well. He said, as long as the insurance company takes care of me and my loan, this may be better for us, it will erase one part of debt and help us get where we need to get. I think the hardest part for him is having just one car right now. I am ok with it, the girls and I don't go anywhere during the day and there are ways to make the activities fit in with our limited car arrangements. He is struggeling though, but I know he will get over it. I am just glad that he was not out there when it was happening. It is so scary to me to know how many car thefts go wrong in Houston. In the last week there has been a half dozen or so shot or stabbed from car thefts/jackings gone wrong. I can't and won't even think that way. Well, I need to get to my girls. We are watching Evan Almighty this morning and then maybe off to the pool this afternoon. We will see. Faith is out of school today, so we are going to try and have fun today.

On my mind today

Ok, so my mind is not quite right, nothing new to me but maybe for some of my fellow bloggers it is. A large portion of the day today has been spent lookin up sexual offenders on the Watch Dog Website http://www.familywatchdog.us. It has scared the crap out of me, made me sick to my stomach and wishing I did not live in Houston. Here is why I started to search anyways. Last week a little girl in Faith's grade was kidnapped just a couple hundred feet away from her bus stop, it was very scary, but even scarier that my daughter new her, played with her and understands what happened to this little girl. The little girl is back home, thank god, but not without emotional scarring for life. It was very scary when it happened and is still today. I have searched watch dog many times before but since this happened I have been on twice in these two weeks. This is the scary part, when I checked last week, there was only one man that was within a mile of my home and .14 miles from the school(that was scary) and today when I checked there was another man that just moved in to our neighborhood and he is actually just across the street a little ways. I know that it is good that I am aware, but it is scary that there are so many and that the majority of them were sexual contact with a child. I guess sometimes it is better to be over protective and cautious. We have had so many chats with the girls about this that they are now thinking it is normal everyday conversation. It is somewhat funny, but also very sad to me, I wish they did not have to grow up this way. I posted the link up above so those of you who have not ever checked, can or pass the link on to your loved ones. It never hurts to be aware of who is living next to or your schools.

Sick

Sorry I have missed so many days. I have been feeling really under the weather and out of it the last few days. It has to be all the temperature changes we have had recently and the pollen in the air. Between cold stuff and allergy stuff, it is miserable. I am sorry I have not gotten on more or gotten on sooner, but it just seemed like there was not any time or energy lately. I don't have anymore running stories this week, but I know I will have some soon! Take care ya'll and I will be on again soon. Just gotta get over this crud! Hopefully we will see you all tomorrow!

Hello!

Hello All! I know it has been a few days since I have been on, but it has been crazy, crazy, crazy and crazier here lately. We had soccer all day on Saturday and by the time we got home we all had had enough for the day, so we just vegged! Sunday was another lazy day for the most part. I went out and ran some errands and Justin did some yard work and took it easy. It was a nice weekend, but what started out as nice was quickly replace by a fast and furiou few days! The week prior was the same.....oh well. I have been running quite a bit these last 5 days. I think I have logged 11-13 miles this week. Not to bad for just starting out again and it has been since Sunday that I started my weekly tally. It is really quite interesting running with a jogging stroller again. I mean, my kiddo's were tiny when I did it last time, less than 30lb's each and now I am running with a 45lb preschooler who does not know how to sit still! That makes it even more challenging! It has been good though. Justin put it into perspective for me today, he said, Geeze Mary, when you go out running without that jogger you are going to feel like your flying! Way to train for your next marathon! I know he is right too! I can feel it in my hips and quads and shoulders from pushing the stroller. I guess I forgot how much you have to push with your legs when your struggling to push 50+ pounds in front of you! Not to mention keeping the dog close by and at bay so he does not go chasing the ducks! I have been taking Max(our golden retriever) with us lately (he is on a diet, he weighed 109 pounds in march!) and he loves all the "wildlife" that is out there, I forgot about the ducks for a while, but he quickly reminded me that the ducks are out and about! Here is a quick story to get you laughing. Last week or so I took Max running with us and like I said, I forgot about the ducks that occupy the ponds in our neighborhood. So we are running, Bren has his leash(after a half mile the dog is pretty well sluggish and stays close, he should he is 30 pounds over weight!) and we are going on our way and just as Brenna says, "look at the ducks!" Max hears ducks and he is gone, off like a rocket for the ducks. So here I am, on a bridge that will roll Bren backwards if I let go now and she will surely fly into the road, a dog that is running faster than I have seen him run since he chased Faith on the four wheeler at the ranch. I had no clue what to do! So in a split second I thought, push the stroller forward to the grass, it will stop, get Max before he goes into the pond after all the ducks or worse, kills one infront of my baby girl. So I do just that, Bren is screaming when she realizes that I have let go and that Max is headed for the duck and might hurt him. I get Max(barely) by stepping on the end of his leash, he comes jerking back into me and I almost topple ontop of him and start the whole process over again! It was not so funny when it happened and I was not in the mood to think it was funny for a few days. I have now gotten over myself and see how damn funny it is and realize, that this could only happen to me! It took me a while to take Max again, but he is now on pretty good behaviour and does well with the ducks. I do have to say I am proud of him for co-existing with his "natural" prey! Take care you all and maybe, just maybe I will have another funny story to share tomorrow!

For Widows Who Read This

This is a link for other widows who read this silly blog and for those who know widows. I just received a mailer from Army Long Term Family Case Management there is a website that we can go to and see what other benefits we may be eligible for, or for back pay that may be due to the families. I wanted to post this on here because I know if I did not know about it until now, many others may not either. Here is the link. https://www.hrc.army.mil/site/active/tagd/cmaoc/altfcm/benefits.htm If it does not work, let me know I can get the right address to you.

More Stuff

I read some of the comments and I had to laugh right along with you. I just wish I had taken a photo to send ya'll. Well, we got the garden done yesterday, minus a few bags of mulch I miscalculated on. I should get them out today if the weather holds out and then I will take pictures and post them. It looks pretty nice, different than the huge ol' bushes we had in there. I had to get rid of them, I despised them. We have already had a few butterflies on the plants and that made the girls so excited, they worked even harder with me last night. Faith said, "mama we just did this and the butterflies already know that we are helping them!" To see her face and hear the happiness in the voice was one of the best rewards as a mom. Glo, well I did not grow up in Missouri, but I did grow up in South Dakota so I think that's about the same right? MQ, the girls love, love Tae Kwon Do. Bren is in Tiny Tigers and she is working on getting her yellow belt. Faith has had some more troubles earning her belts, but she is working on her orange. We just started about 2 months ago, maybe 3 and they have both done really well. I think once Faith gets over her worry about getting my approval all the time, she will do really really well. She practices and practices now and she does well at home, but gets to TKD and does not do so well. She gets so nervous! It is pretty cute though. I have to tell a story. A month ago they had their first belt testing and she did not earn her 3rd strips so she could test. She was devastated because Bren got her new belt. I think she was a little embarrassed too. We have been practicing and working on it since so she can earn that third stripe. The other day she went through her form once and I said why don't you do it a few more times and then practice your kicks nice and slow while I get dinner on the table. She said OK, but when I looked she was just sitting on the couch. I got onto her a little bit, but she never got to practicing. So finally I asked her why she would not practice, these are her words; "mama, I don't want to mess up, I just did it perfectly and if I keep doing it I will do it wrong. I don't want to mess up my kicks either". She is such a little perfectionist, just like her papa, it was cute but sad at the same time. I then talked to her about having to make mistakes to learn and get better and without practice we will never get better. She said, "did my papa have to practice a lot? You always say he was so good at everything, I am sure he did not have to practice." I laughed, a lot. "Yes, your papa had to practice and he practiced a lot. He made a lot of mistakes too, but he always learned from them and fast." She smiled and said OK. I know one day I will tell them about mistakes he made as a young adult(high school), to help them understand and know their papa better and hear stories that he would have told them himself to make a point and keep them from making the same mistakes. Anyways, I thought this was a cute little story and a great learning process for all of us here. Take care ya'll and talk to you soon ps--Glo I am in Texas! pps-Heidi, Wear the boots girl!!!! Even if you aren't a boot wearer! My neighbor killed 3 baby diamond backs and he saw a water moccasin, I worry about my dogs! I can't put leather boots on them!

Running

Thanks everyone for giving me a little push for the running. I needed it. I did go run on Tuesday and it felt pretty good. I wanted to go run yesterday but I was a little under the weather, so I didn't get it done. I want to go today but between the girls Tae Kwon Do, dentist appointments and just life, I don't know if it will get done today. I know I will be out there tomorrow though. To Stephanie, look for an e-mail from me later. I am going to try and write later, I don't know if you have a junk mail folder like mine, but finding an e-mail in there is like looking for a needle in a haystack if you aren't checking constantly! Take care ya'll and talk to you soon! Mary

So What DO my neighbors think???!!

Well, I had to write about this because I think it is pretty funny and actually quite ridiculous that I even gave it any thought. As I wrote before we are working on the front of our house and we basically started all over from scratch. So today I decided it was a wonderful day to pull out 4 huge bushes and then start planting a minimum of 20 plants(that was just to get started). Bren and Faith want a butterfly garden so that involves lots of different plants when you have a 5 and 7 year old planning it!!! Anyways, as I am outside today my nieghbors are out, landscape guys are out working on yards and more than once I caught a few people staring at what I was doing. At first I was very paranoid thinking, "oh no, am I going to get into trouble with the Homeowners Assoc. for not getting approval or am I making a fool out of myself." I gave this a little thought and then one of my other neighbors came out, I was taking a little break, cleaning up and sweeping off the walk. She just stared at me, I said hello and she said Hi (real fast and short) and turned around. I thought about it again, then I took a good look at myself in the front door. OH BOY!!!! I looked so ridiculous! I wish I had a picture to show you all. I realized just then what I had thrown on to work in the yard, picture this---brown cowboy boots(keeps the feet cleaner and protects my toes and body if I find a snake!), short tan colored shorts(that are a little snug) a brown t-shirt and a mud streaked face and arms to go along with it. Not mention my hair was wild and crazy looking from the wind. I am sure my neighbors were watching me thinking I had certainly lost my mind!! I guess I would think the same thing. Oh well, I don't care to much, it is my yard and I was comfortable for the most part(minus the snug shorts!) Good thing they did not see my socks, one was navy blue and one was light blue, I am sure they would have fun looking at me then!! What's the sense in looking nice when your just going to get dirty?!?! Take care ya'll!

Where did my mojo go?!

Well, the mojo is gone, gone, gone! I was doing so good with my running and keeping on top of everything. It seems in the last few months the mojo has slipped, but even right now, I have the desire to do it, just not the get up and go! I am getting sick of it really. So as silly as this sound, I am going to write every day about running and when, maybe you can all help keep me accountable and I will kick some butt on it once again! When I ran so much this summer, it helped me so much and I always felt a little closer to Joel during that hour or so of running. I need that again, I know I do. I need to get out there again. I will let you know if I run today and how far. Mojo needs to come back!!!!

Thank You

Thank You all for your helps and comments. I know you are right and we will get there. Justin and I have a wonderful relationship that borders on insanity at times, but I am ok with that because it is who I am. We have had those talks about just being there and not trying to fix everything and usually he does a great job, but I think with the stuff with my folks, he is a little less to tune it out. There is a lot more to my parent's situation than I have written and probably will never, so he takes this into account and uses to psychoanalyse eveything. We will get there again, where he is just there and not trying to fix it. We had a good talk yesterday, so I think we got to the point without hurting eachothers feelings. Justing had his own experience with his parents divorcing when he was older, and I think he is drawing on that to help me through my own, but as I said before, there is so much more to my folks than I have written. Anyways we have gotten past it and worked our tails off on the front of our house. We dug out our front bushes and replaced it with a patio, back breaking work but so worth it!!!! I will send pictures when we are totally done, still have a little more work to do, I best get back to it!! Love to all!

Very Frustrated

Ok, so I am so totally frustrated right now, that I am just being a complete brat. I don't know what to do or say, but this happens often, so any input would be great. Through out the last 2 1/2 years I have my periods of being withdrawn, frustrated or just plain weird, as we all do even when we are not coping with the loss of your soul mate. So I guess I am having one of those days today, not that I really noticed though, I was just goofy. If you knew me like my sister and some of my close friends, you would know that it was fairly normal, but I have days where the goofiness is a little stronger than usual. Today is one of those days, but at the same time in-between my periods of goofiness, I am just quiet(which is not so normal). So to get to the point, Justin has really tuned into this and has kind of made a big deal out of it. I am glad that he does because if he didn't I would probably be angry that he did not notice. So anyways he came up to me and said, "I just want to recognize that you are not yourself right now and it is probably because you mom picked up the last of her stuff today and I am sure it affected you, even though you are not there." Even if he is right, immediatly I got mad. Why should my mom's choices make me sad or upset?!?!(that is my brain thinking and my mouth staying shut). I refuse to see that maybe he is right, but maybe he is. I am just tired of feeling like I am under a microscope when I have one of my moods and I have told him this, but at the same time, is it that big of a deal, at least he notices, at least he cares enough to mention it and bring it up. I am just being a big baby. I guess I need to suck it up and drive on; as Joel would say. What would you all do?

Two More Vidoes

Ok, so I was searching some more for a particular song and I came across two other songs. One is a song that I just heard and I listened to it with the girls. All three of us cried and watched the video. It is an excellent song with a wonderful meaning. It is called God Only Cries. The next song is a song that a friend of mine played for me when my brother died. She found comfort in the song after her uncle died a few short months before my own brother. It is Go Rest High on The Mountain Top by vince gill. I will add the links. Just a few of the little things that get me through days that are dreary and long. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHLcB3xb2ko God Only Cries For my Joel, your three girls are still loving and missing you everyday. Until we see you again my love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRyKg5xMaXA Go Rest High, for my big brother, I love him and miss him so much.

In God We Still Trust

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiYgpPB1kwU Ok, so I figured it out and now I had to add this one. I have cried so many times watching this one. Yes, I have found a lot of solace in you tube videos!

Had to Share this

I just found this when I was looking for something else, I have to share it. I am sure it has been seen before, but this was my first time seeing it. All I did was cry. Click on the title and it will play a Hootie and Blowfish song with some really cool video. Or Click here! I figured it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWGSWE7yPaU

Weird, weird, weird.

Ok, so it has been a strange start the morning already. This will be short, we need to get running, but I wanted to jot this down real fast. Brenna and I were listening to Hootie and the blowfish as we were cooking up some enchilada's this am. A song came on about someone dying and a part of the verse was "we are all going to die anyways" and so she asked me if that was true. I pride myself on always being honset with my kids, no matter how hard the truth is or how much the truth stinks. So I answered yes and we started talking about it a little and I said, "you remember Great Grandma Rose right? Well, hopefully all of us will live that long and have a full happy life like her." She said, ok but do you think my papa will remember me when I am that old and can see him again? So I answered her of course he will remember you and I shared a story with her about how I know he will remember us and know us when we join him in heaven a very long time from now. She seemed pretty content with all this information and went outside to play with the dogs. Not even 5 minutes after we got done with this conversation another song by Hootie and the Blowfish comes on and it is title Can I see you. Ok, so by now we have left and come back from our little lunch at Justin's work. I have been trying to find the song Can I see you, but no such luck. In the process I did find another song that I think is very cool and very touching. It made me sad, but very proud at the same time. It is the posting below this. Click on the title and it will pop up youtube. I have not figured out how to insert links, so if you all know how, please feel free to let me know!!

This photo was taken when we were in DC for the Marine Corps Marathon. I don't know if you can see all the little lipstick kisses, but the girls covered his headstone in kisses. It was so sweet. Brenna could not get enough on there and Faith only did it once, but like everything she does, it was big it was right and she only had to do it once. I am so glad I have those photo's. This was one of our Christmas Pictures for the year. I did not plan for the pictures to be taken with Joel's flag box, it just happened that way. I guess because it is at the center of our lives, we just naturally gravitated towards it and that is where all the photos happened. I did not realize it until after we had them printed, I am glad that this is where we took them. I am positive it will be a running theme every christmas. This is a photo of Justin and I taken at his Christmas Party. It was a fun night and very relaxing. It was the first time since Joel died that I left the girls with anyone but family or close friends(like my family). I was so nervous, but it was very good for all of us. I know the girls enjoyed the break from us and it was good for me and Justin.

Missed a day

So here I am, back once again. I know I missed yesterday, but it felt like I had a telephone growing out of my ear yesterday, I was on most of the day and most of the night. It was a strange day yesterday. I did get a chance to run, so that was good and Brenna was my big motivator and pusher on that one. It felt good to get out there and have her with me. She is getting a little heavy to push in a jogger stroller, but I don't care, I want her there with me for now. I have some pictures to post from christmas and other things that have happened since then, so I will add those here in a minute. My dad came down for christmas and it was absolutely wonderful to have him here, be able to comfort him and help him through this tough year. The girls just made his week while he was here, they were all over their "white haired" grandpa. It was strange to have him here without my mom, but great that he was here. One good thing that has happened in this mess is that my dad and my older sister have re-established their relationship and I think that is a huge, huge gain for my dad and my sister. I know that has been the light in the darkness for him. Ok...enough about that... On to some pictures!!! Another post coming up!!

1,000 times sorry

Ok, I know I have been gone for a long, long time. I have thought about blogging many, many times but a lot has happened in the last 6 months since I wrote and it has been hard to get back on here and write my heart out. I have wanted to, trust me, but writing my thoughts down felt as though I was putting myself out there for when I was not feeling up to it. I hope that makes sense. So..... Yes, I am ok and the girls are ok and life is moving in a forward direction. And yes, before anyones ask, I am still engaged and we are planning a Thanksgiving wedding, which I will explain the reasons why in a later note. Yes, I ran the marine corps marathon and finished it. One of the reasons why I was not on in the last few weeks before the run was because I broke my toe two days before the Army Ten Miler and could not run it. I was so upset and disappointed. I still went and supported my friends and other widows, but I hobbled along on my crutches. My toe was broken so badly that they wanted to pin it, I said HELL no I will live with a crooked toe before I go through that pain! Toe is better now even after running 26.2 miles on a still broken toe. I am hoping to run it again, I just need to get my mojo up and going and get running again. All of the holidays went pretty well for the most part. It was a strange holiday season for all of us in my family. Some pretty life altering events happened in my family and it shook us all to the core and we still don't understand, but one day I hope to. My mom left my dad after nearly 40 years of marriage, the reasons, the way it happened and the way all of kids feel right now is so not how I remember my life as a child with my mother. It is probably one of the reasons I have not been on as of late. I did not know what to say or write without being angry, I did not know what else to think about for quite a while. Needless to say this consumed my life for quite a while, but I think I am now starting to get on track. My mom left the weekend before Joel's 2nd anniversary and it pretty well put my grieving process on hold for a while. Justin said to me, shortly after that day, "Mary it is going to hit you one day and just know I am here." I did not completely understand what he meant, I just stumbled through those weeks for a while. Well a few weeks before Faiths birthday it hit me and it hit me hard. I got through it with the help of Justin, my girls, my dad and Joel's mom.(I know Joel was there too) I know all of this stuff with my folks is not about it me and it should not affect me the way it has, but when you have lived your life in a certain way for so long and your mom and dad have weather everything together, having children, raising children and lossing them, you think, what is there you can't get through? It was just a blow I was not ready for. Enough of that, it has consumed my life for to long and I refuse to let it consume this note!!! Everything else is good here and I will try to keep on this more. I know I need to, I feel so much better when I write and take time for myself. I need to push the reset button on a few things lately and running and writing are the biggest ones!!! Who knows, when I write tomorrow maybe I will have for my first run in a long time!! Love to all and I have missed you too! Mary