Moments

I am getting better, moment by moment. I have my days and I certainly have my moments. The last few days I have had so many different moments. Times where I get a lot done, times where I find myself just fiddeling around on the computer, putting off everything. The good moments are when I have some memories that I have long forgotten about, or put out of my mind. One memory was a good one that I think I pushed out for some reason or another. It was almost three years ago and I had just gotten my orders to PCS from Ft. Stewart to Ft. Benning so that Joel and I could live as a family. He had PCS'd here for a course and found out he would be assigned to 3ID. I had gotten my orders, done most of my out processing and was at home, bored, missing Joel and wanting to just be with him. I had two days before I needed to be back to do some more out processing so I packed up the girls bag's, a few other things and hopped in the car at about 6pm. It is a four hour drive from Savannah to Columbus. I called Joel and asked him what he was doing, did not tell him that we were on our way up there. He was at a book store studying and I asked him where it was at and he was trying to figure out why I needed to know. So, he was giving me directions without knowing it and then he said, "what are you doing? It sounds like caos and why are the girls up?" I said, "well, I am sitting in a parking lot at a bookstore and cleaning up baby throw up." He just laughed and said, you are here? I said yep, come on out. Are you ready to go to your apartment? He was so happy and so surprised. I am so glad that I drove up there, we were all missing eachother. I am glad to have that memory now. I just wish I had done more surprises like that for him. He surprised me once too. He was coming home from Ft. Leavenworth and he called at about 11pm and said, I have about 3 hours left to get home so don't stay awake for me. So I was a little disappointed, I was anxious to see him. So I took a shower to help me go to sleep and as I was getting out of the shower, I looked up and he was standing in the doorway watching me. I was so surprised and so happy. He loved to suprise us and especially in a shocking way. I am so greatful to have those memories. I just desperatly wish we were making more of them. I just wish he was able to teach the girls more of his ways. I miss him so much, my best friend, my love.

Better day(s)

Well, today was by far a better day. I guess I am doing somewhat better. I did need to start doing something along with the other things my therapist advised and I have started skating with my girls. They skate three times a week and this week I skated twice, about an hour each time. I tell you what, to be out there, skating with them, moving around and just getting them going, it is so invigorating and I know Joel would be proud and happy to see me with the girls. I am doing better, not completely myself and not completely out of the hole, but getting there and I know I just need to fight to get all the way out of it. I want to run the 10 miler this october, if it happenes, awesome, but if it does not, then I am not going to get upset and angry about it. It is not worth the stress, it will come again next year, and maybe then I will be better prepared to handle it. I will try to be ready, but I am not going to push harder than necessary right now. My brain and my body will not take it! My girls deserve a whole mama and I realize that right now, that is more important than anything.

Therapist

I just got back from seeing my therapist and I am not doing so well still. He told me, "Mary, you need to start excercising again, you need to feel good about yourself". I know he is right, I just can't seem to get motivated to get down there and run again. I know I can do it, that was my motivation and my outlet before. I am getting so frustrated with myself, like I am not doing enough. I know I will get down there and get moving, I just need some motivation I guess. Don't know if the Army 10 miler is going to happen after all.

hmmmmm

I am not even sure what to do right now. I have my moments. Good moments where I get a lot done, do the things I need to do and then, bam, right in my face I can't do anymore. Am I getting lazy? I just have no energy right now, no motivation. I know I am not lazy, I am just going through a tough period and I need to understand that, but I can't wrap my brain around it right now. I should be able to go, go, go like I always do. I should be able to keep moving and be a good energetic mom who runs, takes care of her girls and keeps life moving. I just can't even get that done. I am getting pretty upset with myself. I am doing the best I can with my girls, but I guess I am not doing what I can for myself and that is probably what is bothering me the most. For instance, I need to start running for the 10k, can't even get the mojo to do that and then I need a hair cut, desperatly(everyone is asking if I am growing it out...no, no, no) and I have not gotten the energery to do that either. AUGH!!! I know I will get there. I have to, but I kind of feel hopeless right now. I will get there. I know I will.

Day By Day

I appreciate all of the thoughts and concerns from all of you. After speaking to my therapist today, I listened to him tell me about 10 times, you need to take it day by day and slow the hell down. I know he is right and I know I just need to start taking it day by day and realize that I just need to get done tonight that will get me going in the morning. That is it. I will work on that, among other things that he suggested. I know I will be ok and I know I will get through this rough period. I just need to slow down and do it all day by day. For a long time it was minute by minute and moment by moment, and for some reason I got out of it and now I am doing it week by week, month by month and it is only making this all to hard for me to deal with. So, I will be ok. I have no other option but to get through this and be ok or me, my girls and for Joel. I will get through this wholely. I just need to SLOW down.

Figured It Out

Well, I think I figured out why I have so little motivation. I think I am slightly depressed. I do not think I am ready to wait 2 weeks to see the therapist, maybe 10 days, but 14 seems like quite a bit. I have people to talk to and ways to let out my anxiety, but having that univolved person who just listens and helps find resolutions or suggestions makes it so much easier to deal with everything. I do not like this feeling at all. I don't like feeling sad, unmotivated...hurting...crying at every song. I think in the last few hours I have heard so many songs that make me think of Joel and miss him. Songs we had sung at our wedding, Keeper of the Stars....Songs he loved....I love this Bar, Angry American, Tiny Dancer.......Why is all of this happening right now? I am so confused, sad.......

A little better

Well, my motivation is getting a little better. I made myself go out and do a few things yesterday and I talked with a friend while I was loading up my car, before I knew it, my car was full and the house more empty. So today I was able to be a little more motivated. I know I will have my days, and I know I need to take a day to do not a darn thing, but right now, I just can't. I need to get a few things done then I can take my day or two. I know I am pushing maybe a little to much, but I just need to get this house clean and done and ready to rent. Just two more days I hope and it will be over!! Thank you all for your support and suggestions. I did do some loud 80's music today and threw the doors open and probably upset a neighbor or two, but.....I acheived my goal for the day!

Motivation, where is it?!?

Well, my motivation is gone again. I have just a few things left to move out of the house, clean the house and some landscaping to do in the back yard and still get the house on the rental market. I just cannot get motivated to get it done. I know I need to, I know I will be angry with myself if I don't get it done by this weekend. I just need to get motivated somehow. Any suggestions? I will be more than happy to entertain any suggestions. I need to do something to get motivated. I just seem to have good intentions, get out to the house, do a little work, find myself thinking about Joel, the girls, my pain and then I am done with the work. That takes all of thirty minutes! I am not getting a whole heck of a lot done at that pace!

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

I have been trying to fall asleep for a little while now and this poem popped into my head. I am a bit of a closet poet(I am not very good, but have always loved to write poems) and so here is the poem. I hope this will help me to sleep, getting it out of my head on the computer. Yesterday.....I held you in my arms, caressed your face, kissed your lips and looked into your eyes. Thinking I would see you again, thinking it won't be long until I see you again. Today.....I am crushed, my heart torn into shreds, blinded by the pain. Unsure of how to go on without you. My life was destroyed by one single blow and my soulmate lost forever. Tomorrow.....I push, I struggle, fighting to stay above water. Determined to win and pursue this life. Knowing that without life, my children will not have life. Knowing that without life, your dreams will disipate. So I fight and struggle, for your memory, your honor and your dreams. For you, I will live. This is not much, but it is exactly what popped into my head and I have yet to write any poems since Joel died. When my brother Bradley died, I wrote many....so many that I am still finding ones I forgot about. I recently found a folder of poems that I had to do for a college lit class and read them, so many of them were related to my pain of Bradley dying and yet, all of them related to the pain that I feel since Joel died. Only two people read those poems, my literature professor and Joel. Ironic that he read these and thought they good.

this and that....

The other night, as I was brushing my teeth, I noticed my "long" tooth, I have one tooth on the top that is a little longer than the rest. It is not to noticeable if you are just looking at me, but if you stare at my teeth, you see it. Joel always poked fun at me for this, so as I noticed it and remembered what he used to say to me about it, and the other "abnormal" things, I got a good laugh. Joel also used to make fun of my nose, I have one nostril that is considerably smaller than the other side, that is due to my multiple broken noses as a kid. My dimples were the other thing, he loved my big dimples, but would always say, "you know those are going to be giant wrinkles when you get old". Then he would do his deep belly laugh and say, but they will be my favorite wrinkles becuase I will remember how beautiful they were. I really wish he was there that night as I picked my abnormalties apart and remembered what he said to me. We both would have had a good laugh and then he would have found my gray hairs, yes I have those too, and he would have really given me hell then! Then I would have started picking on him. He had one real big nostril too, eyebrow hair that grew faster than the hair on his head, huge veins on his leg that I loved to push on and play with and his funny shaped birth marks on his back, waist and left leg(which my faithy has inherited from him). I miss all of those things about him, god how I miss it. I am greatful that I have these memories and that I will be able to share them with my girls and am already. I don't think anyone will ever be able to pick on me like that and make me laugh like he did.

Sore Muscles

Well, a few sore muscles, a ripped of toe nail and a handful of bruises and my whole house is moved. We accomplished what I thought would be the impossible, all of my stuff s out of the old house! Yippee! I just have a crap load of little things to move and a house to clean to get it ready to rent. I am so excited about this. Now it is time to get new floors in the new house and paint all of the walls. I am going to go take pictures this following week and I will post them, and keep you updated with the progress so you can see the transformation of this new house along with my life and the girls. This should be a good, healthy adventure for the girls and I and we are all excited about it. Time to sit in a hot bath and relax these sore muscles and then to get a pedicure to "fix" my sore toe nail, or toney nails as Bren call's them.

Sore Muscles

Well, a few sore muscles, a ripped of toe nail and a handful of bruises and my whole house is moved. We accomplished what I thought would be the impossible, all of my stuff s out of the old house! Yippee! I just have a crap load of little things to move and a house to clean to get it ready to rent. I am so excited about this. Now it is time to get new floors in the new house and paint all of the walls. I am going to go take pictures this following week and I will post them, and keep you updated with the progress so you can see the transformation of this new house along with my life and the girls. This should be a good, healthy adventure for the girls and I and we are all excited about it. Time to sit in a hot bath and relax these sore muscles and then to get a pedicure to "fix" my sore toe nail, or toney nails as Bren call's them.

Explanation of last blog.....

I have re-read and re thought all the stuff I wrote about in the last blog. I don't want anyone to think that I am saying, ok, I am done, I am over all of this and I am moving forward, that is not it at all. I have realized through this time that I won't ever be done grieving my husband, I will grieve him the rest of my life. That is something that I have realized in the last nine years since my brother has died, I have not ever stopped grieving him and I know that I won't. I know I will grieve the loss of Joel the rest of my life and he will be a constant daily part of my life, because of the girls and also because of my life with him, my love for him and dedication to him. I also realize that their is much more to my life that I have left to do for my girls and myself. I am also not saying that I am going to go out and find the next Joe Schmoe that walks along and get married, that is not it at all. I just realize that with my girls and my responsibilities, I cannot rule out anything in my life and that I still have things to teach them. I will do it responsibly and smartly and I will always keep my two beautiful babies first in my life. They will always be first. I guess what I was trying to say in the last blog is that I realize I have a long, long road ahead of me and that I also have a lot of responsiblities. I cannot give up, I cannot lay down and die along with my husband(as much as I would want to some days), I am still very much alive and hopefully God willing have a long life left. I cannot give up living. This is something that my therapist and I have worked hard and long on, I have spent a lot of money on this(haha, lol) and he has finally helped me to realize that although life ends, life does keep moving forward and it is up to us to keep going and see what journey God has for us or to lay down, ignore the signs and left life just slide by. I have two beautiful little girls, I cannot just let life slide by, how unfair would that be to them. I have a lot to work out and a lot to figure out before I make any life altering decisions. I just had an epiphany today and felt ok about it, after talking about it, crying about and denying that I will have to move on(for nine months) I guess I accepted it and felt ok.....I think. I just hope it does not sound like a crazy woman talking. I just write what I am feeling and as many of you know, it sometimes probably does not make a whole hell of a lot of sense. I have to let it out and this is my outlet.

Random thoughts, feelings and concerns...

Well, I guess I have come to a very scary, but very necessary decision.....I think I have been doing this for a while, but I guess I have refused to beleive it or see it. Today while taking Faith to school I was thinking about what we were doing, that Joel would have been there with us, that I was still moving forward even though he is gone and not with us. I guess I have realized that in order to make my girls life less stressful and "normal" I need to keep moving, I need to push forward and keep living. I would rather not be here without Joel, but God obviously has other plans for me and the girls. I have yet to know what that plan is and I know I will never know, but I realize that I must keep living, breathing and eating, that I must still love my husband but also learn to love again even though my true love and soul mate is gone......I think today, as we were standing in the church for school registration, I realized that if God thought I was strong enough to survive this hell and trial put in front of me, he must also have another soul mate for, another true love.........I know all of this sounds crazy and ridicuouls, but.......it has to be true...I am only 29 and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I want my girls to grow up knowing what love is, seeing a husband and wife living and loving and knowing how it works....I want to teach them those things that Joel and I would have taught them....I guess I come from the beleif that without seeing it and being surrounded by it, they will not know how it works. They won't have lived in it(or remembered living in it). I know I can teach them what love is, but......... I have been told by many, many people, good friend and not so good friends and family that I only have one chance with my children and you don't want to mess that up. I realize this and I know I am trying my danmdest to do just that, to not screw up this one shot. So far I think I have done the right thing and will continue to do so, but....if I don't teach them what love and marriage is....won't I be screwing that up? I guess I feel a little confused about all of this, and I know this is a huge and major step, one that some wives have not taken and maybe won't. I guess I am finally admitting some of my strengths and recognizing the fact that I am not screwing up anything with the girls, not yet that is. My girls mean the world to me and I will not let anything or anyone take them or that away from me. I know that Joel will always be my first love, that Joel will always be a permanent part of my life, but I must push forward and not give up, I must let life happen and keep learning, living and growing. I cannot die along with all that has happened to me and the girls, Lord knows I have felt like I was many times and some times still do, but I am getting better with it, I am getting stronger and without my therapist I would not be where I am, that much I know. I will do the best for my girls, always, that much I know I can count on and so can anyone else....

First Day

Faith's first day of school went really well, I think mostly because she was with me the whole time! Tomorrow is her first few hours without me and then Monday will be her first full day of school. She goes to a Catholic School, so they are a little easy on the first few days of school, breaking the little ones in easy as possible. I know she will be fine, this is the school I enrolled her in last December, realizing she needed this as much as I did and that this is what Joel would have wanted me to do. He wanted me to make sure that if anything happened to him, with the ins. money I was to enroll the girls in private school and stash away plenty of money for school and college. I have done so and am proud of my little girl and how she has grown, not only in her education, but also in her faith and feelings about Joel and her memories. She has had a good day so far, but also I think she still is holding in a lot of anxiety about school and being away from me. Everytime we get in the car, she panicks a little and gets a tummy ache and it does not go away until we get out of the car. I am a little worried about this and know I need to get her back into therapy, but.....I don't want to put to much on her. I know she will be ok and I will do the right things for her...I just need to be patient, pray and ask for guidance on the right things and right time for all of this to take place for her. I will make sure to let you all know how her first real day goes. Tomorrow should be good, her teacher is even letting her bring in a very loved picture of Joel and I. She sleeps with it at night and looks at it anytime she feels sad about Joel......boy have I gotten random or what! I will let you know how it all goes tomorrow!

School Days

Tomorrow is Faith's first day of kindergarten. She is excited, but she is also very nervous and anxious about this as well. I have talked to her about how excited Joel was about her starting kindergarten and walking her to her first day of school. She has asked so many questions, that I think it is drilled in her head that this is a time he would have shared with her. I feel kind of guilty about this, but I also feel that it is so important that I don't hide anything about her papa from her, that I keep the lines of communication open and free flowing when it comes to him and life in general. I know there is a few things I can do to make this a little less stressful on her and I will try my hardest to make it happen, but right now I feel as though there is not a whole lot that I can do for her. I am just trying to be mama, supportive, loving and open. I feel like that is all I can do. She has a wonderful teacher who knows a lot about our situation and told me she will be understanding with Faith and I trust that she will. I just worry about my little girls. I know she will be fine, I guess maybe I need to not worry about it so much and trust that she will fall into it just like she has everything else and she will survive. We are all survivors and I know she will sail through this like a champ. I just can't help but worry about her.

Lack of Motivation

Well I guess you could say I have absolutely no motivation right now. I am not sure why or how to get myself going. I have a whole house to move by this weekend. I have only done a small bit of it and when I say small, I mean small, like one or two car loads. I have managed to get Faith's stuff packed for school tomorrow and will get everything finished up tonight for her roud up day tomorrow. That is it though....I just cannot get myself going....I don't know why either. I don't feel depressed, just missing Joel as much as I always do, not feeling sick like I was yesterday......I wish I was feeling motivated, ready to go.....maybe I need to light a fire under my butt! I know I need to get moving.....augh....just a blah day I guess...but I need to get moving some how. Maybe this evening will be better or tomorrow......gotta do something. Just wish I knew how to get myself motivated.

Thank You's

I guess I need some advice. I was driving down the road today, thought of someone I know I have thanked, but knew I needed to thank them again for a few things they have done for me. However, as I wrote this tonight....I realized it is nine months since Joel died and I have only done about 1/4 of all the thanks you's I need to do. I want to send thank yous, but I have about 300 or so left to do. I get so overwhelmed when I think of doing it, writing them.....I just can hardly bare it I guess....is it wrong of me to not write them? Is it wrong of me to just wait for a good time or is it ok to just not do them? I feel wrong about that, but......I don't know if I have the energy. My therapist has told me that it is ok not to, that most people do not expect a thank you during this time, but......what do you all think. I feel kind of rotten not getting this done. When we got married I had all of them done by August, we were married in May, to include that I was gone for the majority of that time doing Army training. Just asking for thoughts or ideas....not sure.....

Wal-mart

Today Faith and I are having some alone time before she starts school. We were running all over Columbus looking for Classic Colored Washable Markers, not a darn store had them! It is pretty crazy, so tomorrow back on the hunt for two more boxes. Anyways...as we were in Wal-Mart(my least favorite store) we were waiting in line to check out, I looking around, Faith is playing and I see the newspaper. There was an article on the front page about another Benning soldier who was killed in Iraq. I picked it up and read it , I don't know why, I still cannot manage to read about or listen to anything regarding Iraq and soldiers dying...I finished the article and realized I was crying a little. An older man behind me walked up and read the paper, looked at me, my KIA bracelet I still wear and had a sad teary look on his face. I just gave a half smile and turned around to finish up paying for our stuff. I feel like I should have said something but I knew I could not. I still get short of breath and anxious when someone asks me what my bracelets mean and who the man is that is engraved on my two bracelets. One is Joel's friend who died 8 years ago and the bracelet he wore and one is Joel's. I still don't know if I am reacting the right way to strangers comments, I still don't know how I should be acting or feeling at times...I still get so damn confused. I pray for the day that clarity comes again, if it will.

Nine months....

Yesterday was the nine month mark since Joel died. I can hardly beleive that nine months has passed but at the same time I can hardly beleive that only nine months have gone by. In three months time it will be one year.....gosh I get so anxious when I think of that...... Yesterday was good for the most part. The girls and I had a decent day, but it was still hard too....I just kept remembering the horrible night that changed our lives forever.....the notifying officer and chaplain knocking on my door...seeing them and instantly knowing why they were there.....hurting so much that I could not feel a damn thing....trying to figure out how to tell my girls.....all those damn feelings kept coming back yesterday....it was so overwhelming but also a reminder of how far I have come and how much Joel has given me and continues to give me through my girls. I know I will get through this, there is no other choice for me to get throguh this.

Home again and on the move again.....

Well, the girls and I got home last Tuesday from our long trip. It was needed for all of us and was relaxing for the most part. We enjoyed seeing all of our family, friends and loved ones who are so far away. We were also so happy to be home again, to be in our home and in our little routine again. The girls are happy to be home and with their "Max" again(our Golden Retreiver). One day after returning home I closed on a new house. I decided to rent out the house that I am in right now and move to a different home. This house that I am in currently has been so hard to be in....it is so much like any of the homes Joel and I lived in our married life. It is set up the same way as most of the other houses....same color scheme.....same furniture just in a different home. It is like I am still waiting for him to walk through the front door at any moment. It did not dawn on me until I got everything in here and came to a stand still....bauling at every moment because it was so similar to all of the other homes. So I made a decision to rent out this house, making a few bucks a month...and move into a new house. Well, not a new house, but a different one. It is a great little home....so different than any other home we ever had. It is an old home, in major need of a face lift and some new life. So I have decided to make this my new project...to breath new life into this home as I do the same thing to my life and the girls....this will be my new job until I am ready to face the work world. I thought I was ready to go to work, by after having a major panic attack and talking to my therapist...I have realized that it is time to step back, work on my life and get "healthy" first before trying to distract myself and go back to work. So we are home and on the move again, the girls are excited and ready to be in this new house. Faith helped me paint their room today and picked out the border and curtains for their room. They are so excited for this. I am glad I am doing this and am proud of myself for the decisions I have made. I think Joel would be proud of me as well.

The Car Ride

Well the car ride went smoother than I thought. The girls were awesome, Maggie slept most of the way, I think she was still sleeping off the benadryl I gave her to help calm her down(per the Vet's advice of course!) The girls either watched movies, slept or colored in the back. They were so good, I was so proud of them. The drive itself was great. It was easier than I thought it would be emotionally for me. I remember good things about the drive, places Joel and I always wished we had time to stop and visit for a day or two, places we hated driving through like Nashville or St Louise(we always tried to plan the times we hit those places, but we always failed and it was comical). Then as we hit Missouri, it was like each 20 miles or so had some sort of memory for me. Gas stations we always stopped at, the McDonalds we always stopped at to eat because it was always clean....silly stuff like that. It was good for me, a lot of great memories, not as hard as I thought it would be, but actually good for me to think back, remember those moments and see all the happy and fun times we had. Those are starting to outway the silly things that we fought about that we thought were so important, but in the big picture, they aren't and I hardly remember most of those things. I would have rather flown, but this road trip ended up being good for all of us and maybe, just maybe it was meant to happen this way....to prove to myself that it is ok to have some fear, but I have to face up to those fears and realize that it is not as bad as I make it to be.

Trip Part II

So to pick up where I left off......I call my mom to tell her about the delay for the first flight two flights. She calls a good friend who used to work for an airline out of SF, they got me hooked up with another flight arriving in SF a little later than I was supposed, well a lot later. The only thing I needed to do was run downstairs, get a new boarding pass and be on my way. So I run downstairs, decide the hell with the 1130 standby, this is a sure deal. So I get downstairs, the dog has to pee, the girls have to pee...so we make a few pitstops...afterall, I am not supposed to leave until 130...it was 1030ish. I get in line, go to the counter, the guy looks up the ticket and because they did not charge mean anything and they linked me up with a delta flight out of Chicago(they basically rerouted me) he said it was illegal and he would not issue me a ticket, he gets his boss and he said the same thing. I am sick to my stomach by now.....wondering how in the world will I make it back upstairs in time. My only option was to kick but, run back up to the gate and get moving. By the time we got through security, all the way down to gate B(for those of you who have been in and out of ATL airport, you know how crazy this is) and by the time I get to the gate, she was calling our names....I was so releived, but not for long. She looks at me and the girls and said.....oh..."there is three of you and we only have two tickets left".....I am so angry I could spit.... but I was to tired from all the running....so I said, to make this worse...that man walking down the tunnel, he has one of our tickets? She said yep. I said to make this even more frustrating how long have you been calling our names? She said for quite a while. I was so darn upset. We missed this flight too! So we get on standby for the 230. I finally call the reservation line and talk to someone more helpful and little more customer friendly and she basically told me that we could be on standy for most of the day, all of the flights were either full or over booked. So I had her check to see how much it would cost to fly out later or purchase new tickets and it could have been anywhere from 1500 and up per person! Ouch....so I tell her I will just wait and go from there. In the mean time, a good friend of mine who took us up to the airport and had been keeping me calm through this crappy morning was on the way back to ATL just in case I decided to call it quits and head back home. I was greatful to find that out when I got the news about the flights. I really needed to get home though, I really needed to see my family, Joel's family and get a break from GA. I had to get home, but I knew and my friend knew that if I went home, I probably would not spend the money to buy new tickets to go home later in the week. So....my friend suggested that we drive to SD and then they would turn around and drive back to GA the next day....so that is what we did. I protested at first, knowing that this would be a crazy and tough trip, but I was told to get in the car, we were going. So I did......scared of how the girls would do on this trip, the dog and scared of how tough the drive was going to be. The last time I drove it, it was with my Joel and we either laughed, argued about bypasses to get through cities or were cleaning up vomit from the "car sick queens" as we called the girls.