One more picture

I thought I would through this one in there, Bren took it of me, along with a dozen more silly ones, but she is so proud of how her pics turned out. I thought I would send it along, let you get a few laughs. Also, I want to do a little poll, a friend of mine thinks Bren looks like me, just want to know your thoughts. I think they both look like Joel, a little like me, but I see Joel more and more. Just curious of your thoughts. I had to add two more pictures, just because they were cute I thought. The first is me, Faith took it and it is a little off. The second is me again, but with a bow in the hair(visible in this one!!). The third is Brenna, she had been silly, but she got a little tired and laid her head on the chair and just stood there, I snapped it as fast as I could, it was a good picture I thought. Let me know if you think she looks like me, I am not seeing it!

Learning how to play soccer

Just wanted to send a few pics of the girls learning how to play soccer, they are both natural athletes and they love to play. I am very proud of that!! That is something they got from their papa, I am not a natural athlete, all I have is the ability to run and swim. The darn dog gets in the way of some of the photo's but it gives you a good idea of just how tall he is! Bren is even getting into soccer and they are having fun playing together. I am glad Faith is playing soccer, she is going to do well and she is so excited about this, for the first time in a long time she cannot wait for it to get better and better! The first picture is Faith acting as the goalie, we don't have a goal yet, so we were using the shed(ignore the mess). The second is Faith kicking it in to Justin, that is just a small glimpse of him. The third is Brenna kicking it in to Faith and she dives for it, it was a pretty nice move, wish I had faster fingers and caught another one of those! The fourth is of Brenna kicking away, it is a little blury, but I thought it was cute. Hope you all enjoy!! I am doing better on keeping this up to date! Yeah me!!

Follow up to Bren

I have gotten a few comments about Brenna's encounter yesterday and I just want to thank you all for your comments and support. I know we are doing the right thing and I know that Bren is a strong beautiful little lady. You all are wonderful, thank you for helping me to realize that all of these things are good and ok. Today, Bren and I went to meet Justin for lunch and to take some homemade chocolate chip cookies to his co workers(there is only 6 of them in the office)and on the way there, Bren had a little meltdown. She was sitting in the back seat and started whimpering a little bit and looked so sad. I asked her if she was ok and she said, "no, I miss my papa so much, my papa who died." I asked her what she missed about him and she said, "I miss swimming with him, riding bikes with him, playing with him and swinging with him. I just miss him mama." I was in tears by now because she has never expressed her pain like this before, part of me was glad she could but the other part of me was splitting in two." I said, I know you miss him honey, but you know he is always with us, no matter what you are doing. She said, "I know mama, but he does not do anything but just lay there." I was a little baffled by the just laying there part, but I figured she meant he did not play or interact with her. So we talked for a few minutes about the afterlife and what I beleive about seeing him again one day, still being able to talk to him and knowing that he is with us still. This is the response that really got me and I hardly kept the tears at a minimum so I could see the road to drive. She said, "Mama, when I die, will he still love me and know me? How will he find me? Mama, why did he walk through the gates to heaven, I thought all angels flew, I know my papa is an angel. I hear him in my ear and he had to fly to me to talk to me." In between stiffled sobs I had to ask her when she hears her papa and what does he say to her? She said(and this really got me) "I hear him say I love you every night, but I don't tell anyone because I don't anyone to tell me its impossible." Man, how do kids get this smart and figure it all out before we do. So I told her that I beleive that she hears her papa talking to her and yes he is an angel, I know he is because of the dreams I have had. I told her she can always tell me when she hears her papa, I will always beleive her because I know it is possible. I also told her that no one can tell her what to beleive, they are her beleifs and if anyone ever tells her that it is not possible, she needs to tell them that they are her beleifs and she beleives in God, the afterlife and that all things are possible. She just smiled at me and said, "I won't ever change my beleifs." God I love my girls more than life itself and everyday I am amazed at their strength and their abilities. They are wonderful girls, how did I get so blessed?

Brenna

Being home with just Brenna has been a huge adjustment for both of us. We are finding new ways to entertain eachother, little ways to control ourselves and with that I mean Bren controlling herself. She has always been really good at throwing tantrums and whining and crying before she even knows the answer to her question. I guess in the past that helped her get her way, but now since it is just her and me she is realzing that it does not work. It has been interesting to say the least. I am still working on her tantrums, but we have gotten the whining and crying under control, I think. I have found new ways to entertain her and me so we are not bored during the day. We go to the zoo, that is a lot of fun but it still a little hot out for that right now. Today we went to the mall and had lunch and I needed to purchase some beauty products(isn't that always fun!) and while we were there, the ladies at the counter saw my military ID and asked me about it, Brenna pipes in right away, "we have that because our papa died in Raq". Both ladies looked at me as if to say, "is she serious" and I responded with, yes that right, he did die in Iraq Bren". Those two ladies were so sweet to her and asked her about her papa and just made her feel so special. I realized right then and there that I am doing the right think, not only by keeping her home with me this year, but also with what I am teaching her about her papa and that it is ok for her to tell anyone she wants. I guess today was a turning point for me and being a stay at home mom. I have been thinking about getting a job and putting her in daycare, but today I realized that one more year with her is not going to hurt either one of us. She needs this and I probaly need it just as much.

A few Photos

Just wanted to share a few photos with you all. The girls have grown so much, I thought you would like to see! 1. This is the Brenna and Maxwell, our Golden Retreiver that we bought when Joel first went to Iraq. He was Faith's puppy, she begged and begged her papa for a puppy and he finally caved when we was in Iraq. She was so happy that day and still remembers when papa said she could get a puppy. 2. This the girls at the pool, enjoying a little break, a snack and eachother(for a very short period!). 3. Faith playing her webkinz in her jammies, I think it was late too!! 4. Just Brenna being Brenna, Faith took this photo with her little digital camera. It is a little fuzzy, but for a six year old, this is a good, cheap camera! And a good photo!

Life in Texas

Well, the last 5 months have been quite interesting living in Texas. I would have to say that the humidity is the number one thing I have had to get used to, but the one thing that I am not so sure about is the traffic. I hate driving in Houston, even to take Faith to school!! We usually walk, but with the rain and then when I was sick I had to drive her. Just to get into the lane to go to school is a nightmare and it is only a 3 or 4 minute drive!! If I have to go anywhere, and I mean anywhere, I don't leave the house until after 9. I made appointments for the girls last month and when she asked me what time, I said, anytime after 9, I refuse to drive on the beltway before then. She laughed at me, hard. I guess this small town and little city girl is not ready for the big city driving. Moving to Texas has also had a lot of advantages, and I am very happy being here. We love our neighborhood and the fact that most of Faith's school friends live right here in our neighborhood. It has helped all of us to heal, a lot. At first it took a lot of explaining that papa is still in the same heaven, but he just moved a little closer to Texas when we did(that was a tough one), the girls have finally understood that it is not where we are but how we remember him. WE have a lot more room to do special things for papa, and I think that has helped a lot. Texas has opened our hearts a little more and brought a little more life back into ours. I think when we were still in GA I was weighted down with all the surroundings, the memories at every corner and the wonder and anxiety of when he will come home. I think when we left, as hard as it was, it finally sunk in that he was not with 3ID anymore and he did not leave again when they left and he is already home, just not our earthly home. All in all, life in Texas is good. We are happy, fulfilled and enjoying life. We still miss our papa, my Joel, we still wish he was here with us, but we are finding ways to move forward everyday and with that we find more joy, peace and love. ps--The picture is one of the girls taken a few months ago with their love, Hank. Just wanted you all to see how much they have grown. Hank is an American Mastiff who has captured my girls hearts and he loves them just as much. Isn't he huge?! He is a huge ball of love most of the time.

2 Months!!! So Sorry

Well, it has been 2 months since I last even glanced at my blog. I have been wanting to write and get everything down, but time has gotten away from me and I have been a little overwhelmed with all of my feelings and emotions. A lot has happened in the last few months, so I will do my best to give a good update and try really hard to keep on writing, it helps me so much. First of all, I have news, I am engaged. That is why the girls and I moved down to Houston. I met a really wonderful man just after Joel died, he is a vital part to my and the girls healing and has been a wonderful friend. We started our friendship just after Joel died and the friendship grew. Not only did we fall in love, but my girls fell in love with him too. He is wonderful with them and keeps them so happy, but most importantly he keeps JOel's memory alive with them too. He worked with Joel at Ft. Benning and in Iraq and the fact that he knew him and worked with him, helps all of us so much. He is patient with me, understanding and most importantly he knows all that I have been through, he was there as a friend through most of my grieving and has helped me so much. The marathon training is going well. I have been very diligent in my training and am very excited about the run. I was sick all last week and could not run, it was so frustrating to not be able to run. I am feeling better and am able to run and today I realized that running has been one of the best forms of healing for me, it has brought me so much clarity and eased some of the pain. I will do this run and I will finish it. I have never run more than 6 miles but in the last few months I have worked my way up to 16 miles and will hopefully do 18 this weekend. I know I can do this. I have been worried about not finishing it and disappointing myself and joel, but his mother told me today, "you will not disappoint him if you don't finish or don't do it. This is for you and do it for you." So I am, I have not bought the plane tickets yet, but that is on the list for this week. Besides, the girls are so excited that mama is running a marathon for Papa, they would be disappointed if I did not do it. Two weeks ago, we went down to Victoria TX to go to Justin's grandparents ranch. I ran my 16 miles out there on the old country road(it was exhilerating, but the cows and bulls scared me) and the girls and Justin came out and rode in a little mule(a four wheeler and golf cart combined)and supported me on my last 11 miles of my run. It was so cool to have them out there, the girls cheered and filled water bottles for me, they made the 16 miles worth it. Faith is loving school, she is in a huge school and it intimidated her at first, but she has found her place and is loving it. She misses her old friends, but has made new ones fast. I am so proud of my little girls. They are both so strong and doing so well. They keep me going and keep me grounded. Ok, I am going to keep trying to be better about this. I won't make any promises, but I will try harder!!! Thank you to you all who are here to support me, check in on me and keep me going. You have no idea how much those little messages me energize me through some of my tougher moments. Thank you again!! For those of you who are in the DC area or will be doing the Army Ten Miler or the Marine Corps Marathon, let me know, I would love to meet you. I will be running the ATM with a good friend of mine, she lost her husband (MAJ Douglas Sloan)on October 31, 2006(349 days after Joel. We have become such good friends, I could not imagine doing this without her. Take care everyone and talk to you soon!

Crazy month or so

Ok, so I know I have been off for a while, but a lot has been going on since my last blog and a lot has changed. So here is the long and short of it all. After our trip to NY, I decided to start getting the girls on a good routine and schedule. So between working on school work(Faith is reading like a champ, adding, subtracting and telling time), cleaning the house and swimming, I have been trying to wrap my head around the move still and some other decisions I have made. Back in June, I signed up to run the Marine Corps Marathon with TAPS in honor of Joel. TAPS is a non-profit orginization for military family's who have lost a loved one. TAPS stands for tragedy assistance programs for survivors. It is a wonderful, wonderful orginization and I can't help but try and promote and raise money for this group. They have done so much for my girls. If you ever want to check out the site and all they do, it is . I am still questioning my thought process when I decided that this is the year to run the MCM. I have not been training, I have never run a marathon, but I am a runner. That is all that I have going for me. So far it is going ok, but a lot of the veteran marathoners I talk to tell me I should wait, that it is too soon without proper training. I know they are right, but I am not going out to finish under a certain time, I am just going out to finish, period. I have always wanted to run a marathon and when Joel got home for Iraq he was going to help me train for one. He would never run a marathon, but he could run for quite some time and help me keep pace. Since we never made it to that point, I decided I want to do this run, train and finish it, for him and for me. I know he will be there with me and I know on those hard, long days he is right next to me, but I still wonder if I am out of my mind. If I should wait till next year to make the run. I feel if I don't do it now, I will never do it. At the same time, I don't want to hurt myself, I don't want to over do it and I don't want to stir up a lot of emotions that I have finally put to rest. I guess I will figure it out. Well, I wanted to write more, but I have to much to do right now. I will try harder to get on sooner and on a more regular basis. Thanks for all of your support everyone!!!! Especially you Glo and MQ, you two are always checking up on me!

Had to Share

I was flipping through my old e-mails a little while ago, I have a whole folder of the messages I recieved from Joel while he was in Iraq. I don't know why I did this, but I saved every one of his e-mails. Now I am so glad. Everyonce in a while I flip through it and read a few. The last few days I have missed him terribly, not that I don't always, but this has been a little more difficult. I think I had a sign tonight that he is still with me and sees all that happens because when I opened up this e-mail, one I had forgotten about, it still pertains to our daily lives. Just a little weird, but I wanted to share it with you all. Here is a little background on the e-mail, just so you aren't to confused, or me later when I go back and read this blog. The previous day I had written him and told him about an incident that happened in Publix. I was checking out, and the bagger, Scott(he was always our bagger in the afternoons, a nice older man). He said, "Everytime I see you, I cannot get over how all three of you have dimples, they are so big". Brenna goes, "Yes, mama has the biggest nipples". It was too funny!!! She meant dimples, but she said nipples. I laughed so hard as did everyone else around us. So, here is Joel's response. His love for all of us is so evident in this e-mail. Just wanted to share a piece of my husband with you all. Mary, I just cannot get you off my mind today (not the I am trying). I miss holding you! I cannot wait to get home. I hope you guys have a great day today. I laughed out loud when you explained the niples thing to me. That Brenna is so funny. I cannot wait to be home so I can hear and laugh at all of the funny things the girls say and do. It sounded like you had a good day yesterday. That is great. Well I know this is short but I have a ton of work to do so I will write again later. I love you and I miss you sooo much. Love, Joel

LIttle Tolerance

Yesterday we flew home from NY. It was a good trip, minus the near 4 hour layover in Cleveland. Oh well. The funniest part of this whole trip is the conversation that I had in a little resturant/bar. I realized shortly through the conversation that I have very little tolerance for flattery, or come-ons. Here is the story: The girls and I were sitting in this resturant. We were having chocolate cake, shirley temples and I was having a beer. It had been a long day and a very long flight to come. So as we were sitting there, these two business men from NY sat at the table next to us. They saw our "meal" and chuckled and said, "what a great traveling meal". I laughed and said, "yep, we travel in style, why not make it a good day." I figured the conversations were over, but I was wrong. One of the men turned around and said, "I saw you sprinkle salt on your napkin, what was that for?" Me, being the nice woman in bar said, "it keeps your napkin from sticking every time you pick up your drink". Again, I thought I was done having a conversation with these random strangers, but I was wrong. So they proceeded to ask me how much do you sprinkle, where did I learn this....blah, blah, blah. I told them I had learned it in college and have done it every since. One of the men then turned around and said, "oh so that was two years ago?" What?!!? Come on, were they serious? Here I am, a slightly frumpy looking mom with a 6 year old and a very old looking 4 year old and they seriously just said it must have been two years ago that I was in college?!! I thought, "man, this guy needs some work!" So that would have put me at what, 15 when I had my first kid? Hmmm.....if I had the time, I would have lit into them about how much of jerk he was for just insinuating that I was that young with two older kids. Oh well, it just made me realize how little tolerance I have for men who try to hit on any random person. Yes, it can be considered flattery, I guess, but I certainly did not feel to flattered after that "compliment". I have laughed about it a lot today, especially when we were leaving and the girls said, "see ya later strangers" and one of the men said, "I do a lot of business in Houston, maybe we will see you around?" Yeah, maybe in this huge town you will just bump into me, but I just laughed and walked away.

In New York, Ft. Drum

On Sunday the girls and I flew up to New York, Ft. Drum. We came to be with a friend of mine who lost her husband on Oct 31, 2006. I met her in Columbus and we have remained friends. I told her when I first met her that if she wanted me to be with her when her husbands unit came home, I would. So, we came up here. Whew, what a week it has been. I am so glad that I was here for her, so glad that I came. However, it was still difficult. A little more than I let myself beleive it to be. Watching the men walk in brought back all the memories, the thoughts and the feelings I had a year and a half ago when I did not see him come off the airplane. I am a little more drained than I expected to be, however, I am so glad that I could help someone else out. To support her, be here and be a friend. I wish I had had the same support, however, I am glad I had the people there with me that were there. We are heading back to Houston in the am, and we are all so ready to go home. I think this was a little much for the girls too, but we all handeled it pretty well. Bren did get sick last night, but I am not sure if she had a little 24 hour bug or if it was anxiety and fear. She told me last night that she was afraid I was leaving her, and I said, "of course I am not leaving, I never will." She then responded with, "but papa did." This statement broke my heart and I sat in the bathroom, with my ill feeling child bawling. I could not get over it. I am still having a hard time getting past it, but I can't let it keep us down. We talked about all of her thoughts and for a four year old, I think we got it pretty well cleared up, however, one never knows. I think Brenna is starting her second grieving phase and I know it won't be easy, but we will get through it. All in all, this was a good week, a tough one, but good for all of us, I think.

Your are right Glo.

Glo, I went back and re-read some of my post, from June of last year, February of last year and a few others. I have healed, a lot. I have known this, but I think, tonight for the first time since Joel died and I finally accepted all that has happened, I truly saw how hurt I was, how angry, confused and just down right sad. I guess when you are in the moment and living it, you don't always see it, but when you are writing it, keeping a log, you have a huge track record to remind yourself of just where you were, how hard it was and how much it hurt. I just wanted to thank you Glo, you reminded me how much healing I have done and that I am in a better place now than I was a year ago. It is easy to forget what you have done for yourself and accomplished. It takes others to help us remember that we are healing and getting better. I guess I realized that not all of these post will be about my pain anymore, but about our life, our new journey; Our Life After Iraq. After all, this is what it is. Thank you Glo.

Joel's Birthday

June 7th, 1971. A date I have not forgotten, even from the first moment that I started to know Joel. The strangest thing about this is, I have not told my girls that Joel's birthday was tomorrow, yet they both sensed it, they knew. I don't remember this being the case last year, but this year for sure, without a doubt it is. Bren, out of the blue today said, "mama, I am really missing papa and I know I will miss him more tomorrow." I said, why do you think that it is? She did not answer me and I said, "it is his birthday tomorrow." She said, "I know" and got teary. It killed me. My ever optimistic, mother hen of a child said, "well, why don't we make him a cake?" Now I am not sure if Faith had other motives here(she LOVES cake), but she had a darn good idea. Brenna thought so too, until she started to wonder how we were going to get a cake up to papa in heaven. So, we have worked out what kind of cake we are making, a carrot cake(more to this in a minute), and we kind of figured out how to send it to him. I think we are going to cut him a small slice, put it in a baggie and attatch it to a lot of ballons. I think he would get a huge kick out of that. The carrot cake, some would wonder why a carrot cake for a birthday cake, but not in our little family. Joel loved carrot cake and so does Faith. Bren loves the cream cheese frosting(who doesn't??) For Joel's 29th birthday, I made him a carrot cake, completley from scratch and if I could have grown, shelled, toasted, and chopped the pecans myself, I would have(that is how much love I put into this uneven, crumbly cake). Joel loved it, I don't think it was that great, but I know for him, it was the time and effort I put into it. I worked all day on it. From that point on, whenever the mood hit, he would stop by our grocery store and get a half of a carrot cake(just so I would not have to make it, or so he would not have to suffer the taste of it), we would both enjoy the whole thing. This will be the first time I have made a carrot cake since his 29th birthday, it will be good. It will be all three of us making the cake. I do not have a whole lot of anxiety about his birthday tomorrow, but at the same time it is another reminder that he is forever 34, not the 36 that he would have been if he were still with us. I miss him so much and I really miss not being able to buy him the gifts we would, instead I order flowers from the Ft. Myer Flower shop to be delivered to his headstone.

Long, long time

Well, it has been a very long time since I have wrote, anything. I have been feeling the need to write a lot lately, but I have not had the time. I am sorry that I have been away, but I was dealing with important tasks at hand. As I have wrote before, we just moved to Houston. So far I am in love with the big city life. We have everything on hand that we need, but at the same time, we can travel down to Galveston in a heart beat, over San Antonio for a weekend visit, or out to J's g-parent's ranch for a different weekend visit. THe only thing missing is my parents and Joel's. Along with unpacking and getting settled the girls and I have been doing a little bit of traveling. So, needless to say, our lives have been a little more busy than usual. I did not think that was possible. We just went up to DC for taps, it was a wonderful event. I went with a very good friend of mine, she lost her husband on Halloween of last year. We had a great time, did a lot of walking, spent time out at Arlington, shared a few drinks and a lot of tears and hugs with other widows and "survivors". I am so glad that we did this trip together, but at the same time, it was another milestone and heartache for all of us. I am traveling up to Ft. Drum to go with her to welcome home soldiers and stand by her side at the airfield when the soldiers march in. Just as I did, she wants to be there, to have closure. I told her a long time ago I would be there with her and so next weekend the girls and I are going up there. It will be hard, once again, but I feel that I need to be there for her, for this woman who is almost one year behind me in this "grief" journey, or journey called life. A few more trips are lined up for the summer, but I will write more about those in the days to come. I have realized once again, that i have taken the time away from me to make time for the other things in life(activities, cleaning, kids, swimming....) but in order to stay sane, I need to continue this time for myself. I miss it and I miss my support.

Long time no bloggy, blog

Hello All! Sorry it has been so long since I last blogged, but with boxes, listing this house, packing and finishing the house, I have had no time. Then to top it all off, I had scheduled a visit home to my and Joel's family, one week before we are scheduled to move. What a knuckle head move that was!!! I could hear Joel saying that to me the whole time I was home visiting! Oh well, it was a good visit, definatley needed by all and a lot of fun. It was 70 plus degrees when we left GA on the Thursday before Easter and 13 above zero(with wind chill) when we arrived in Sioux FAlls, SD. What a shock to the system that was!!! It snowed on the Wednesday after Easter, so the girls got to play in snow and build a snow-woman and a fort. They had a blast with Grandma and Grandpa, playing and digging in the snow. I think the grandparents were wore out before the culture shocked kids! Then the kicker to this whole story is, as we were leaving SD, it got nice, very nice, normal April weather. I was looking forward to getting back to GA and enjoying a little bit of sunshine, but no such luck!!! It was 42 degrees, overcast and gloomy with winds blowing at 25 miles an hour!! GEEEZE, didn't I just leave this stuff?! That was the kicker. The cold weather would not leave me alone, and all I wanted was some sunshine and warmth! WEll, I must get to my errands. I have a few things to do that I have waited and waited on, but I can no longer delay my trip on post. I hate going on post anymore. I have to do this, just for a few hours, then it will all be done for today.

New House

Well, I have an offer pending on a new home in Houston. It is not where I said I thought I was going to be, but oh well. BEcause of jobs and such, I needed to start looking in the East Houston side, it is a place called Ataskacita(I am spelling it how it sounds, I know this is not right at all!) It is right near Lake Houston, but on the good side of the lake(the west side). It is a wonderful house, it does not need an ounce of work, but normal maintenance and upkeep. It has a good size backyard, which is unusual for that area and subdivision and it is two stories. Which means I can make the girls contain their messes up stairs and keep the main floor nice, neat and clean. OH how nice that will be!!! I am really excited about this move, not just because it is a new chapter, but because I feel like I belong in Texas, I fit in there, and like my daddy, we both feel like we could have been born and raised there, only we have never lived a day there(well except when I was in the Army, I was there for 2 months). I don't know if you have ever gone somewhere, a town, a city, a little town in the country and you immediatly got the sense that you fit in, that this is home, where you belong? That is how it is with me and tExas, always has been. Even with the horrendous traffic of Houston, and I hate to drive in traffic(it scares me) I could not feel more at ease about this move. It is almost like I am going home, but only......I have never been there before.

164th Posts

As I logged on to do a little blogging, I saw on my homepage that I have a total of 153 post. Wow, that is a heck of a lot more than I ever thought I wrote, but also, can imagine if I had not missed to many weeks!! I would have triple that!! Haha, I thought it was funny as I looked at, sad though too. Sad to know that I have 163 postings that are 90% related to my pain, greif, loss and love. I know it is great to write, I know that it helps me express my feelings and thoughts in ways I normally cannot, but it is also sad to see in numbers the amount of postings, big and little that I have written, all based on pain and loss. I know as the girls get older and want to read about these things, it will be good for them to have. It is something that I don't know if I want them remembering the pain mama was in, but at the same time, it is soooo important for them to realize that we all experienced Joel's death differently, that all of the "mean mommy"(that is what bren calls me on my bad days) moments were more often than not a result of my grief. That their papa made more impressions on our lives than they can even remember now, even after he was gone. So anyways, 163 postings later and I am still here. A little stronger in some peoples opinion, a little more worse for the wear in my opinion!

Sleepless Nights

I have had a lot of sleepless nights lately. I am not completely sure why, but I have a good idea. I know I have had a little more stress lately, with getting the house ready, trying to find a new home in TX, finding schools(anyone have suggestions, let me know!!! private or public), and all the other bull honkey that come with moving. Also, with the unit gone now, I have spent countless hours remembering the day Joel left, the day he came home on leave, what he said to me, the words he used and everything else that we talked about. I do that frequently, but in the last week or so, it has been much more frequent, if not constantly. I have been having such a hard time sleeping that the other night I got out of bed and started cleaning, thinking for sure that would make me tired. Well at 230am I got back into bed, still wide awake, thinking of Joel and the move, and decided to try and read. That should put anyone to sleep, right? Well at 3am I decided I needed to just close my eyes or I would still be awake at 630 with the girls. I was so tired yesterday, so much that I thought for sure I could take a nap. I layed down on the couch, covered up with a blanket and tried to fall asleep, not a chance! So for the first time since JOel died I took a sleeping pill, wowie, zowie I slept like a rock, did not remember any of the crazy dreams I may or may not have had. FAith actually had to wake me up this am adn say, "mama, don't we have school today!" I did not hear my alarm, nor do I remember my little one crawling into bed with me. That was a little scary too, I thought, geeze what if they needed me and I did not hear them because of the pills I took or there was an emergency and I slept right through it. Not a good thing. So, as much as I think I need to take them again tonight, I don't think I will. I need to be able to hear the girls if they need me, I need to be able to get up running if need be. Oh well, one sleep fulfilled night should do it for the next month or so, right?!! My mom tells me she never slept while all of us kids were home. I sure as heck hope that is not the truth.

On the move, once again

Well, as the title reads, the girls and I are on the move again. This time it will be the last move for a long, long time. I am ready to be done moving. We have decided to leave Columbus, for good. I love GA. I do. It is just with the unit leaving this week for Iraq, once again, I have realized that it is time for me to be on my way. Columbus has given us all we need and will get. We have gained so much from this part of our life, but it is time to move on. A very, very good friend of mine left on Friday for Iraq. I saw him and his family last Friday for our good bye's. I hugged him and said, "stay safe, be careful over there." He said, "I will". The same thing Joel said the last day I saw him, I hugged him harder and cried even more. It was so hard to say good by to him. I know he will be ok, I know he knows the situation over there, he was there when Joel died and saw men die. I just cannot get past it. not today anyways. Even with that said, before all of this happened, I had already made the decision to get on the move. The girls and I will be moving to Houston, TX. Or rather, on the way outskirts of Houston in a town called Lake Conroe. Or I think that is the area that we are going to move through. This seems to be the best area for us right now. I have been seing someone, for a while, and I know this is the man that I want to be with, that the girls love, and that Joel would want us to be with. Joel knew him in a work relationship and I think he knew the type of man he is. So, we will be on the move, down to meet up with him. He left last week for a job down there and the girls and I will take three months to get ready, while he gets settled and finds a home. I have known this man for a while, and the fact that he knew Joel, that he is not afraid to talk to the girls abouth their papa makes it that much easier. Also, the fact that Joel's mother understands and is supportive makes it a little easier too. That is important to me, and probably will be for a while. I just wanted to share this. I have more to share, but I am to tired to keep writing now. I am seeing double and am hoping that all the words are spelled write!

Thank You

Hello all! Thank you so much for you concern and check-ins. I appreciate it so much. I read the e-mails tonight and thought, oh my goodness, I need to drop a note and check in. Yes, I am doing ok. A lot has happened in the last few weeks since I have been on. I will catch you up in the next blog. Yes, I am ok after all of the storms here in GA. My neighborhood, thank God, did not get hit at all. We had rain and wind, but no damage. I actually did not know about the storm until it was on us. I do not get cable and usually listen to cd's in the car, so I am almost always out of the loop on the weather. When I heard the sirens, I thought I better check the weather on line. Thank God, once again. Most of the North side of Columbus was hit pretty hard and the house that the girls and I used to share with Joel had a good amount of damage. I learned this from a neighbor the other day. I had a few trees cut down right before I moved out, just in case of this situation and the two trees I left up ended up falling and damaging the home and storage shed. I know this sounds selfish, but I am glad we were not there for that. We are all doing well. I am now 30 as of the 3rd and Faith is now 6. SHe is always reminding me too, so I only feel as if I am getting older by the day. Today as we were skating, well the girls, my skates are in need of repair right now, they were both flying and falling but getting back up and just going. I looked at them both and told them how proud of them I was and that they were so brave and strong. I felt like the luckiest mom on earth. If you ever have seen speed skating, you know how hard it is and how scary it is when they go fast and make the quick passes and turns. My girls are brave!! I realized then, after another parent skated by and said, they are the lucky ones, you make them brave and strong, that yes, I do. I do give them a lot and I never look back at it twice. I just keep going. That is what Joel would want, but that is, most important, what I want. Well, I am going to share another message with you all. In a moment. Be prepared. Also, Happy Birthday Glo!! I am glad I helped you through a moment in your life, at a time when I did not think I could help anyone, not even myself. Thank you, thank you!!!!!

The visit

Have you ever done something or gone somewhere and all the sudden, everything just clicks? It all seems to fit and everything seems to be ok? For me, my visit to Arlington last weekend was just that. Something clicked and I realized that it is ok for me to move on, it is ok for me to look forward and see another future and life. Another life, without Joel here in bodily form, but still very much a presence in spirit. As the girls and I were laying roses on Saturday and visiting with other widows, it just clicked, Joel would want me and the girls to be happy, he would want us to have a full and love filled life. He would want me to do what is going to make me and the girls happy. He would not want me staying around the Army post becuase that is what we last had or he surely would not want me moving to DC to be close to his grave. He would hate that, he always hated DC/VA area for living and did not want the girls growing up there. He would however want me to be somewhere that we are happy, somewhere that we can grow and live a full life. I am ready to make a decision now, I am ready to move forward and get going on this life. Joel will forever be a part of our lives and a constant reminder of what we once had, he will still keep us going. He will forever be MY HUSBAND and never forgotten, by me or our girls. I know he would support me in this decision and endeavor. We will get there, and we will suceed.

What makes Faith Happy

My Faith, my little girl who is constantly listening and absorbing, taking it all in and keeping it all in. The little girl is afraid of her own emotions when it comes to mama, but with others, it is ok to let it out. She does not like to cry in front of me, she is afraid it will make me sad, so she holds it in. Same with Joel, she does not like to bring it up a whole lot, because she is afraid it will make me sad. This is tough for me to swallow at times, but others, I do ok....Enough of the explanation...here is the story. Today I went to pick Faith up from school, she stayed in the after school program because I was running around doing errands and ran late. When I went in, the lady who runs the program substituted in her class today and told me a story. In religion today they were talking about what makes us happy, they had to do an project of who was happy, then they had to tell the class what makes them happy. Faith's happy moment was "going to see papa's grave". I cried, but tears of joy for once. It made me so happy to hear she was ok with this. I asked her a ton of times, but she never really responded, so to hear this today just made me so happy. I asked her and she just grinned. It made my day. I think a few things that helped us both were the fact that I made a big deal out of this, we made little stepping stones that we laid at the headstone, took pictures, bought wipes just to clean his headstone and a friends husbands, MAJ Sloan. I think we did it right this time and she knows that it is ok to do these things and talk about it. That papa is still a part of our lives.

I'm back!!

Well after a few weeks of not being able to pull up my blog, I finally figured out what the issue was and here I am! I hope I have not lost any of you forever!! I had tried everything and then all the sudden, an idea popped in my head and I fixed the whole problem! Yeah me, it only took me 2 weeks or more to do it!! In the last few weeks a lot of things have happened. The girls and I got to me president Bush, (I may have blogged this already), that was an incredible time for all three of us and we just got the photo's they are amazing and it is great to have these memories. Faith was asked if she wanted to start racing with her speed team!! Yeah!! I was pretty excited about that and so was she! She is flying around the rink and doing really well. Me on the other hand, I have a lot left to learn. Bren has started skating a lot too and she is going to be a good skater, she is fast. I think it is the shorter legs and the big ol' muscles she has in those legs from all the dancing she does. The girls and I just went to DC this last weekend to lay roses at Arlington with a group of people. It was pretty incredible and pretty darn cold. I could hardley beleive how cold it was. We had a great time, Bren played with other kids and realized that she is not the only one who lost her papa(or daddy). Faith took a ton of pictures and totally grasped the concept of why we were there. The patriot guard from DC/VA/MD were there and helped, it was pretty awesome to meet some of these people and thank them for all they do for our soldiers and their families. For instance, I know that they go to funerals and memorial services for the fallen, but also if they know someone or a group will be protesting outside of a funeral or memorial service, they are there to block these idiots from the family and friends. This happened at a memorial service for my husband, it made me feel so good to know this. It was just great to meet them and say thank you. On the way home we all saw some soldiers, I said thank you to them, but that is all I could say. I wanted to say more, but then again.....they were heading back to Iraq, or just coming home and I sure did not want to put a damper on their leave time. Oh well. Well, I am going to try harder to post and get things on as often as possible. I am staying busy trying to finish up the house and get things done so I don't have to work anymore on this thing.

Kids and their Antics

My kids, they keep me going and are the reason I get out of bed everyday. Today, a friend went with me and Bren to get Faith. She gets into the car and she looks as me and says, "haha, your getting old. I will be 6 and you will be 60!!" I tried so hard to act offended, but all I could do was laugh. I know what she meant, but man, do I really look more like 60 than 30? Then this evening we were starting a fire in the fire pit and she was helping me, she was my paper crumbeler so I could shove it between the wood. She stood there while I lit the fire(I used a little lighter fluid) and when it shot up, she stood there again and said, "hahaha, mama, you are getting good at fires now that you are old." Geeze!!! Do I look old?! I did not laugh at first, but then she said, "mama, until J. taught you, you could not make a fire, now you are older and you know how!" Hmmm.....does a month really age an adult that much?!?! Maybe through a child's eyes, but I don't see any more wrinkles than I did yesterday. Just a few more grey hairs!(I am serious too). I have a good little amount of those. Thanks Dad!! He was gray in his 30's, or at least that is all I can remember. Needless to say, my kids keep me going. My kids are the reason I get up everyday and make it through. Even if they think I am old, I am going to keep getting up and going, for them. I love those girls and all that they give me, daily.

Hurt

Have you ever heard the song Hurt, by Christina Aguilera? I heard it today for the first time. I cried so much when I heard it. It related so much to me and what I have been feeling, most of it anyways. Especially today. Here are the lyrics. Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face You told me how proud you were, but I walked away If only I knew what I know today Ooh, ooh I would hold you in my arms I would take the pain away Thank you for all you've done Forgive all your mistakes There's nothing I wouldn't do To hear your voice again Sometimes I wanna call you But I know you won't be there Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself by hurting you Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss And it's so hard to say goodbye When it comes to this, oooh Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do To have just one more chance To look into your eyes And see you looking back Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself, ohh If I had just one more day I would tell you how much that I've missed you Since you've been away Ooh, it's dangerous It's so out of line To try and turn back time I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself by hurting you

The last few weeks

The last few weeks.....where to begin. Well, the non-smoking is going ok. I have had my few setbacks here and there, but I have not gone back to full smoking. I have not had more than a few on the days I slip. That is a huge, huge step for me. I have still been subbing at Faith's school, but I took this week off. I have been a little on edge the last few weeks, not quite myself. I am not sure exactly what it is, but I am so sick of it. I am tired of feeling sad, angry at times and just plain in a funk. I think I do know what it is, but I am not completely positive. Last year, on January 9th, I went to the hanger to meet one group of soldiers coming back from Iraq. On this night, I also met with one of Joel's friends before he met any of his family. We spent almost 2 hours talking and crying and it was so good for me. Then I stood in the back of the hanger and watched them march in. It was one of the hardest things I did since burying Joel. I have had a hard time this month with that. I am constantly thinking of it. This year, on the 9th I had a particularly bad day and all I could think of was that day, meeting that person and how much I cried when there was not a soldier for me to walk up to, when my soldier was never going to walk in to that hanger. Then two days later there was another big event, one that was hard for me to accept for a day or two. The girls and I got to meet President Bush when he was at FT. Benning meeting with the soldiers and family's of fallen soldiers. It was pretty amazing and intense all at the same time. I was honored to have met him, but because my husband died and my children lost their papa, we got to meet President Bush. I just stood there looking at him, remember how much Joel respected him and liked him as a president. How much Joel would have loved to have been there, but he was the reason why we were there. Since that day, all I can think of is Joel, that he is really gone, that.....oh I hate this. Everyone has been more excited about the fact that I got to meet him and the girls got to see him and have their picture with him. I don't know if anyone realizes how hard it was too, how much it took out of me. That is partially my fault too, I really didn't tell anyone. I am just missing him so much this month. I am also seeing all of his unit get ready to leave again, in March. I don't know if I can handle that right now. I really don't.