Brenna

Brenna has had a very, very long day today. I knew when I took her to school that she was not quite herself, then when I picked her up, she soon started crying for papa. Then tonight as we were getting ready for bed, having our snack and reading books, she jsut cried and cried, talking about how worried she is about papa. I asked her why she was worried and she said, "because mama, he is dead and he is not coming home, that is why I am worried and that is why I don't want my snack." My heart broke, I just wanted to scream and cry. She asked me whyI was looking at her that way and all I could say was, "my heart breaks for you and Faith. I wish Papa was here." It is the truth, my heart breaks everytime I think about what they have lost, that they will not get to grow up experiencing life with Joel. I talked to her a little more and said, Bren it is ok to be sad about papa and miss him, it is ok to cry and yell. I miss him a lot too. A lot of people have said that it is good that they are so young, it is a little easier, but I do not know. I think about the memories, they are so young, are they going to remember everything? What will they remember? Bren was only 2 when Joel left for Iraq and not quite 3 when he came home this summer, what will she remember? Faith remembers a little more, she was older, she was almost 4 when Joel left and she has very clear memories of his time on R and R, I know she will remember more. I just wish Bren could have more, if she was older, she would, if they were older, they may understand a little more. We might have some more difficult times, but I think they would have better, clearer, stronger memories. I do not know if there ever is a good age to loose your papa. I sure as hell know that there is not a good age to loose your spouse, not like this. I know I have a huge role in helping them preserve and "remember" some memories of Joel, I know I can help them to have these forever, but......I just want to scream at times, right now is one of those times. This has been such a strange day for all of us, I am not sure why, I wish I knew, but.....oh well, I pray that tomorrow will be a better day, a clearer day for all of us.