Friday

Well Friday has come and gone, it was a lot different than I expected it to be. I was expecting a lot different emotions than what I had. As the ceremony was about to begin, I was seated in a row of chairs in front of couple set of bleachers, I could look to my right and all I could see what a sea of DCU's. I could not stop the tears, I could not keep my brain from thinking, Joel is not there, he is not here with his soldiers. I found myself thinking that for minutes, thinking that each time I looked at 1-15, each time I looked at one of his friends, each time I saw certain people. I am greatful that they rededicated the monument, that they had the soldiers names who perished in Iraq inscribed onto this monument. I am greatful that they had all of us there to help in this dedication. However, it was so difficult to know that my Joel was not there, that I was there to honor him and not to support him as a Company Commander. That was very difficult for me, then seeing his name.......seeing his name on the monument. Another place that my husband's name is carved into granite, another place that it will be for eternity. I want hm with me for eternity, in human form, but I know that he is with me in my heart and helping me through each day. I just wish I still had him, that we were still planning our daily and monthly plans, our future in the Army.....now I am destined to planning my future with my girls without him, living bicariously through my Army Family and where the Army is taking them and where I could possibly have been going with Joel and our girls. This is all such a strange and hard place to be. I know I will get the strength from somewhere, from Joel and God, but I still have those days that I just want to crawl in bed, to forget the "events" that I have had to attend and pretend he is still on his way home. Those moments pass, eventually and I remember why I have to keep going and keep moving....for my girls, for them and myself. They are what keeps me going, everyday. Yesterday I tried to forget the day before, but today I just let it overtake me. I played with the girls, cleaned and then ended up laying in my bed, crying, clutching onto the picture of Joel and I that Faith took. Wishing that it would all end, wishing that this was all a bad dream that I would wake up from. Wishing that they would all the sudden realize that they made a huge, horrible mistake, but I know that will not happen. I know that this is not a mistake. I know that I will get better, day by day and learn how to get through these moments. I just had to let today happen, to let myself have that moment, remember Friday, remember Nov 6th and remember my husband. Remember all that has happened in these last four months and three weeks. In the end, as hard as those moments are, they help make me stronger and help make me get through the rest of the days with the girls. We will be ok.