Conversation with Joel

Last night, I kept replaying a conversation in my mind that I had with Joel, years ago. It was a few months before he left for Iraq and a few months after 9/11. We were driving down the road, going to the beach for a walk with Faith, talking about all that happened on 9/11 and what this would mean for him for future deployments. I was scared and worried. I said to him, "Joel, I am so scared, I don't want you to go, I already lost a brother, I cannot lose a husband and the father of our children too." He said, "Mary, nothing will happen to me as long as I can control it, I will be ok. I have to do this, it is what I beleive in and what I want to do for our future and our children." I do not know why I remembered that conversation, why I kept replaying it. I don't quite understand it. I know he had no control over this situation, I know he did not even know it happened, he died instantly. I just wish I knew what his last thoughts were, what he was thinking when this happened, if he heard the blast and what he thought. I also remember a conversation a few short days before he died. We had been having a long drawn out discussion over e-mail regarding the FRG and some other things. It was creating some issues that weren't necessary. I went to a memorial service for two soldiers who were injured in October and died later that month. I knew one of them, he was a patient of mine and it made me realize that all this little stuff we were discussing and maybe arguing over, was not important. I got home after this service, sat down at the computer and wrote him an e-mail. This is the short of it. I wrote him and said, I realized that all this FRG stuff was not that big of an issue, that there are bigger things in life to worry about and the last thing I wanted him remembering was some stupid argument over FRG stuff. I aplogized for it and made sure he knew how much the girls and I loved him, how proud we were of him and how excited we were to have him coming home soon. The last thing I wanted him remembering, God forbid, was us, our love for him and how we support him. This was on Thursday, Nov 3 2005. He wrote me back, thanking me for the e-mail, supporting me, loving me.....telling me how proud he was of me, how far we had come and that he could not wait to get home to us. He always remember how much I love him and the girls....so he said, no need to worry about the other stuff, I usually forget about it after wards anyways. That was three days before he died. I am so glad I wrote that e-mail, so glad that I came to that realization. I am so thankful that I did that, that I told Joel those things, that I know he read that e-mail and understood what I meant. I am so thankful for this. These conversations are good memories to have, these converstaions are ways to remind myself what we had, what was important to us then and just before he died. I miss these conversations with him, but I know if I keep talking to him and keep him a part of my life, daily, he will still answer me, he will still talk to me. I just need to listen. I know it may sound like fluff to some, but I beleive in this.