Favorite Meals

I never have cried over a meal before, never. Today it happened twice, augh! I made broccoli and rice for the girls, they love it, with butter. This was one of Joel's favorite meals, he loved it and asked for it frequently. I think I made it at least three times a week when we were first married, not only because it was his favorite, but because I was still getting "good" at cooking and this was pretty hard to screw up. Faith has started asking for this frequently and today was the first time I made it for her by request, I cried and cried as it was cooking, thinking damn it, Joel would be so proud of his little Faith, loving his favorite food. He would probably sit with her and eat the whole dish, just the two of them. Often we would make a big pot of it, and between the two of us, that would be all we ate for diner. I know he would do the same with his Faith. Knowing that this will never happen, makes me want to try even harder and more desperately to make sure these two know who their papa was, understand him and remember him. I think knowing that this huge task is up to me, is part of my pain today, knowing that I need to make a conscious effort daily, even when I am having a hard day, I still need to make Joel a part of our day. I still cannot believe that I cried over rice tonight, but I guess it is the memories that are making me cry, not the food, and because I have the memories I am grateful....These memories will keep me going and help me and the girls get through this.