I am not sure how I am feelig or what I am feeling right now. I feel a little sad, a little alone, a little afraid, a little angry....ad I am not sure why. I think it has to do with the interview and the photo's yesterday, or a lot to do with my girls and all they have lost. I beleive that is it. I think about what I have to do now, a mother and a father role and I feel sad, angry, confused....how in the hell am I am going to fill both roles? They have lost so very much, a father, a mentor, role model, teacher, friend, but most of all the man who loves them more than anything in the world. The man who died for them and their freedom and safety. I know he can still be a role model for them, a hero but he is not here to share in these moments with me, he is not here to help me on those days when I need him most. I get so sad when I think about all they have lost, I feel as if I am grieving three times right now, for what I have lost and for what my two little girls have lost and the fact that they cannot quite understand all of it right now. The big picture for me is that they are the two that have lost more than anyone here, they are the two who truly got the short end of the stick. I had him for almost 7 years, but they were short changed the most, they only had a few short years with him. My heart breaks for them time and time again and I think that this is the hardest part for me. Somedays I do not know how I am going to move past this, somedays I do not know how I am going to keep going forward without him to help me with our girls. I know I have to, I know I do not have a choice, but.......I just feel so confused and alone about this right now. I feel as if no one can understand this feeling that I am having, that unless you have walked in these shoes, you cannot understand it, you cannot quite grasp all it is that I am feeling. I do not even know if I would want someone to be able to give me the answers I need or be able to tell me that they have gone throuh this, I just feel so alone, sad for my girls, and sad for myself and all of us that have lost through Joel's death.