Life After Iraq

Joel, Joel, Joel....on my mind all day. I was busy and kept going all day, but the things I was doing, it all revolved around him and his death. I went running, running to escape the pain and frustration. I went shopping, shopping to get an outfit for the dedication here at Benning on Friday, then for a suit for May. That was the hardest part of the shopping, knowing that I needed another suit, something to honor Joel. I have bought two suits in my life, the first one was for his funeral, one that I have worn once since and know I could never put on again. Now this one to wear when I go to receive the Gen. MacArthur Award that Joel received post-humorusly(sp??), ironically the dates of this award fall on what would have been our 7th wedding anniversary. I know that I want to be in DC on the 15th of May, I want to spend that time with him, I want to be with him on that day. I realize that it is not him, it is only his body and he is still with me and in my heart, I just want to be there. As I was trying on the suit I bought for this day, I kept thinking about that day, being up there, at Arlington, spending that time with him, by myself. What will it be like, how will I feel, what emotions will I go through, what will I expereience. At first I was really upset that the dates fell on our anniversary, but a friend of mine told me, "Mary, don't discount fate, maybe this is meant to be." I think this friend was right, I feel now that I am supposed to be up there then, that it will be good for me to be with Joel on this day. I just have so many questions, and some anxiety. I do not know how to put it out of my mind, I don't know how to make myself feel at ease about this and approach it in the way I have approached all the other events that I have had to attend. This seems so much more significant to me, so much more pertinent to what I am going through. I just do not know how to get past this date right now, it just keeps creeping into my mind right now, when I least expect it too. Simple things, like shopping bring it back into my mind. I knwo I will get past this soon, I just don't know how right now.