The Roller Coaster

What a day, one minute I am happy, laughing, joking with the girls, the next minute I am walking through Target about to cry. Then I am staring at a local paper, finding myself reading todays article (about the year in Iraq for 3BDE) in the middle of the sidewalk by Petsmart, ready to cry again. Only to find myself laughing a few minutes later at something silly in the store. I found myself driving down the road, intending to go home, but I was not going the right way, I was not even sure how I got to where I was at, where I thought I was going, but.....I do know that I was thinking about Joel, thinking it has been nearly five months, five months, is that possible? Are my dates wrong? I know they aren't, I know that I am right on track, but it sure as heck does not seem that five months have gone by already. What have I done with all the time? What have I been doing the last five months? It is pretty scary that I can't remember a whole lot about the last five months, the only things I remember are the ones that have pierced my heart and will leave a scar there. The days that I thought would not end, the days that I did not know how to talk to my girls about where papa was, the days I did not know how to help them or myself. Those first few months are a blur, a complete black spot for me. I know there are some times right now that have been good, some times that have made all three of us laugh and feel better and I know more will come as the time continues to pass, but damn it..........I just wish my girls did not have to go through life without their papa, did not have to learn some of these lessons from just me, they would have loved learning how to play soccer, baseball, hockey....all that stuff from there papa. I can't teach them that, I am a runner, I have little coordination for anything other than running and jumping. Those are the things that we talked a lot about doing, he could not wait to get them a soccer goal to start teaching them how to play. He could not wait to get home and get them going on the fun things he wanted to teach them.....they will never have that now. I have lost my best friend, but they have lost so much more....a best friend, a father, a mentor.....I think this is why my day has been such a roller coaster. I know it will get better.