Four Months

Not only is today Sunday, it is also pretty much(minus one day) the fourth month since Joel's passing. I can hardly beleive it has been that long, many days it seems like yesterday, but on the other hand, it seems like an eternity has gone by. I guess some of that has to do with Joel being gone for nearly a year before his death. I have reflected back on the day I found out, memories I have recounted more than I care to count, the days everyone came here, the memorial service, the funeral, going through his clothing and other belongings, packing away awards, pictures and other military momento's Joel hung onto and displayed, going to the airfield and welcoming home Joel's good friend B., watching the soldiers march in, breaking inside because I knew Joel would not be there, handing out bracelets to his Company knowing that this was going to be difficult for them and myself...the dedication on Friday.....today. The day I watched the soldiers march into the airport for their welcome home ceremony....what a moment. What a feeling of sorrow, grief, pain, but also pride and greatfulness. Yes greatfulness, I was so greatful that this many men made it home, that this many families were reunited, for me I knew how Joel beleived, how he loved the Army and that he was proud of all he did, all he accomplished in his life and was still proud of all the soldiers of 3ID. I had to be proud and joyful too, as hard as it was to see, I was still filled with pride. Part of that was my husband and what he taught me in our nearly 7 years together, but also a lot of that was my own military pride, wanting nothing more than to support and honor all of our soldiers. I think back to that day often, and all I can remember is feeling a weight off of my shoulders shortly after that, a sense of closure. As I think about it today, I am so greatful that I did this, as crazy as some thought I was and still do, I am proud of myself for doing this, how for I have come since that day, the fact that I saw these soldiers and knew that my husband was not going to come off of any of those planes, the sense of closure I had after that day. I think back to the day I went up to Arlington, as hard as it was, and yes again, as crazy as some thought I was for going up again so soon after his death, I am so greatful that I did, again the sense of closure that it gave me again, seeing his headstone, the name, the dates.....knowing that it is truly set in stone this time, he truly is in his final resting place. All these things that I have done, as hard as they have been, they have brought me to a different place, a better place in my grieving and have made me realize and understand more about myself, my abilities and my love for my husband and my children, how far I will go to show my love to them. Because at the end of the day, what I do for myself reflects onto my children and how I handle my grief and what I do for it, this shows my children what a strong and capable mother and women looks like. All I do, I do for myself and my children, no one else. This is what matters most. So on this day, the fourth month mark I realize how important my strength is for myself and my girls, how far we all have come in these long months and see how much more we can acheive in our grieving process in the next few months. I know it will not be easy and we will have long days ahead of us, but we have made it this far, and I know we can make it further. We are all strong girls. Joel would be proud.