Happy New Year and farewell to a 10 year habit

Happy New Year to all! I hope the new year brings you a lot of joy, happiness and great beginings. The girls and I started this New Year out with bowling a few games today with a friend. It was a lot of fun, and the girls are getting really good at it. Faith is so much stronger than I thought she was! Tonight is going to be a movie and probably an early bedtime. We are all pooped. No big plans for us. Just hopes for a great and blessed New Year. As I start this New Year, I am hoping to succeed in giving up my 10 1/2 year habit of smoking. I started a few weeks ago of taking medicine to start quitting and tomorrow is my day to give it all up. I think for the first time in all of my attempts to quit, this is going to be my succesful one. I never took a prescription drug to quit before, but this one is working so far, I have gone from a pack and a half to about 4 or 5 a day and could easily do less than that. I am really excited about this and feel very good about this. Just wanted to share this. For the first time in a year, I actually feel that I can handle all of this without a secondary habit, and that I can beat this habit just as Joel always wanted me to. Wish me luck!

The last few days

Well, the last few days have been somewhat strange. I guess you could say maybe I have been in a little bit of denial the last few days. I think because of Christmas and all of its meaning(especially for the girls), I tried really hard to be upbeat and "ok". The last two days, I think I have finally realized that I was in a little bit of denial and playing a good game of "who can pretend the best". I decided to stay here with the girls in Georgia. I am realizing it has been harder than I thought it would be, I really miss our family and being with them. This year I am also not in the fog as I was last year, so things are so much more clear and so much more difficult too. I am glad that I stayed here with the girls, the slow pace we have had is nice and the relaxation has been a lot o fun with the girls. I guess, things are not what I like to pretned they can be or what I can handle. I guess I have been in soewhat of a fantasy world, or maybe that is where I always live. I just wish life could be as easy as I expect it to be. Se la Vi.

Christmas Balloons

Merry Christmas to all. Today that girls and I followed through with our letters and "sending" them to papa. We received a balloon kit from Joel's sister, which made it so nice to fill the balloons together and let the girls pick what colors they thought papa would want. They picked a lot of pink and purple!! So as we were getting the ballons all ready and tied to our letters and drawings, we talked about what we wanted to say. Brenna got really sad and started to cry, but she had a huge smile on her face when her balloons made it over the trees and way up into the sky. Faith just had a huge smile and knew that papa was going to love her letters and drawings, she wrote it all herself with my help to spell. I will miss the day when she starts writing her own and I won't know what her thoughts were to him. The strangest thing happened when we walked outside though. I need to give some background first so you can understand the story. A few years ago, we all went to a birds of prey show at a Garden here in GA. We loved it and went quite a bit to it. Joel's favorite bird to see was the Falcon. He just loved the falcon and was amazed by it. The last Christmas we had with him, we walked outside and we saw this falcon(not a common site in town) sitting in the tree in our neighbors front yard. We looked and looked and just stood there for a few minutes, the bird was so close but he did not move, then finally he flew off. We did not see it again for a long time, then the day Joel was leaving for Iraq after r and r, we were getting in the car and there in that same tree was the falcon again. WE just looked at eachother and said, that is so weird. Never really thinking about it. After Joel died, I think I forgot about the bird for a long time. Then last year in the spring, I saw the bird a few times in a row, twice in my neighbors tree where it always was, then once in the backyard in my tree. It was so strange, but at the same time so comforting. It always made me feel as if Joel was a part of that with me. Who knows, maybe he was. Well today, when we were going outside to let the ballons go, sitting in the tree next to our house, there was a falcon, he took off when we were walking in the yard and flew over the house twice, then was gone. It was so strange and all I could say to the girls was, there is a Falcon, papa's favorite bird. To see that bird, in this area(we have moved since I last saw the falcon) was so strange and certainly not common. However, it made me feel calm. Who knows, maybe my Joel is with me when I spot that bird. So our christmas has ended on a good note. We have made it through in one peice and better for the wear. Merry Christmas to All!

Texas Margarita's

As I sit here getting ready to write letters, I am drinking a new favorite drink of mine, Texas Margarita's. They are yummy and so, so easy!!! It is a cheater recipe, but if you like the drink and just want a small batch, here is a good recipe. 1 12oz Limeade 1 Tecate Beer(needs to be this brand) 1 can 7-up(12oz)(sprite works to, but not as good) 1/2 can(6oz)or to taste Tequila I mix this in a pitcher(I have a small blender)and serve on ice. Then I put the leftovers in the freezer and let it get icy to drink later. You can also mix it in a blender(if you have a large on, or else you will have a huge blowout!!) If you like the drink, try this! It does not sound so great, but it is good, or I think it is.

Merry Christmas Wherever You Are

Have you ever heard the song Merry Christmas Wherever You Are? by George Straight. It just came on my IPod and as I sit here listening to it, I know it aimed at those who have split up or divorced, but it made me so sad. I know where my Joel is, I know what has happened to him, but we have put up his stocking still. I know this will become a tradition and that is ok with me, but damn it, I wish I was filling it with trinkets and junk instead of letters and drawings. And putting a little envelope under the tree with the gift I have decided to do for him. I have donated $750 to Faith's school in his memory and will donate $3o0 to four children who lost their father 3 years ago in Iraq and just recently lost their mother to a cruel and heartless murder. These are the gifts I know he would have done if he were here, so I want to share this with my girls and make this a continuous gift we do yearly. So, to my Joel, as I sit here, getting ready to write my Christmas gifts to you, I want you to know that I miss you dearly. That I love you more than life itself and will always. You gave me so much and filled my life with so much joy. I miss our talks, our phone calls when you were on the way home from work, even though I was going to see you in 15 minutes, it seemed to be the only time we could catch up before the girls ganged up on you. I miss our arguments and battles about everything from kids, life to silly work stuff. I miss your smile and beautiful black hair. I miss your strength and courage, but mostly I miss your presence and love that was unending, no matter how upset your were. Merry Christmas my love and I pray that you have a beautiful and wonderful Christmas celebrating with Jesus. All my love, forever and Always, ME

Random poem from 3am on a sleepless night

Our Road is not easy, full of bumps and curves. Our load is not light, laden with burdens of all kinds. Our thoughts are laced with, what do I have to do, how to get it all done, where do I go from here. Our dreams dance with memories of loved ones who have gone before us. Our faith in our God keeps us strong. Our love for those above moves us through each day. With faith, hope and courage we will continue through each day. We will find the strength to call on our Lord for grace, courage, strength and love. For our faith in a greater world will lighten our load, ease our bumpy road, fill our thoughts with love, hope and joy for all to come, and keep our dreams full of the memories that keep us strong and fill our hearts and dreams with the joys we once had. May our memories never fade, may our dreams never dwindle. May our love for our God and our loved ones above keep us steady, strong and braced in His Grace.

Random Acts of Kindness

Well, yesterday I realized that there are wonderful people in this world. I was on the phone with my mom and I heard the doorbell ring. I walked out to the door and found the typical boxes that arrive around the holiday season. As I opened the first box, I found wrapped packages. I looked at the card and saw the girls name on it and it said, "Love Santa". I was baffeled at first. I was thinking who in the world sent this?! Then I decided to look at the packing slip and I saw the name on it. I burst into tears and felt good all at the same time. The packages for my girls came from a friend of Joel's. Joel went through the officer Advance course with him and I met him once or twice, the last time being at Joel's funeral at ANC. The fact that this man took the time to think of my girls and send them present from essentially a perfect stranger to them. I am so greatful to this man and what he has done for my girls. I don't think he knows how happy he is going to make them and what he has done for them and me.

Stories we tell about Santa

I was curious if anyone has any "good" stories they tell their kids about Santa, just to keep them beleiving a little longer? I told a good one tonight to the girls, they asked how Santa will get into the house because we don't have a fireplace. So I did my best improtu and let my imagination go to work. I told the girls that he sprinkles magic dust on the roof and poof a fireplace appears, he slides in, does his magic and then slides out and the fireplace disappears. (i thought it was good!) Then the girls said they wanted to stay awake to see this cool thing happen(oops). So I said, you cannot do that! He will know if you are awake and then he won't come until you are asleep!! But, if he is really rushed, he will pull out his magic sleeping dust and sprinkle some around the house and you fall asleep fast!!! Then, he comes down the chimney and is in and out super fast! The next thing you know, Santa has come and gone and you fell asleep!! They bought it for now, but I wonder how long that story will work! This is the fun part I love and I think Joel would have laughed his butt off at me!

Better Spirits

Well, I am guess you could say I am a little better spirits than last night and the day before. Faith had her first school christmas program and it was so cool! I love how they integrated all of the kids, even the little ones into it and she just loved it. She almost fell off of the stage because she was twirling her dress, but it was funny. She just cracks me up and I know Joel was laughing his butt off because he probably had a better seat than I did! I made it through this program with out crying. Something I did not expect to happen. I was expecting to have a crying fit and loose it, but I made it!!! I guess today I have accepted that I am doing ok this Christmas and time does not stop. I cannot change the holiday and I cannot take it away from my girls. All I can do is acknowledge my pain, accept the pain, look forward, move through it and keep going. I have known this, but I guess, like most human beings at this time of year, I forget those "normal" things and focus on all of the hub-bub and activities that this season brings to us. Before you know it, you are deep in pain and not sure where or how to get out of it. It is ok. I have wonderful friends to share this holiday season with. A friends new baby to spoil(good to have baby therapy every once in a while) and snuggle with while everyone else is busy with the "toys". Two beautiful girls who are going to be delighted when Santa comes. It will be decent year, that I am sure!

The week before....

Well, it is exactly one week before Christmas. One week. This time last year, I was still in the fog. Still trying to understand the fact that my husband was gone forever and not coming home. Still grasping at reality and trying to fight for air. Still trying to get my oldest to listen and talk about papa, still fighting, period. This year is a little easier, but more difficult at the same time. I am actually decorating for this year(ok, I have tree up and two decorations out.... not much compared to the whole house being done, the mantle lit up and decorations galore), putting gifts under the tree and shopping before the day before. Last year I did not shop until I got to my parent's house and then, I only did it two days before the holidays. I am getting there, but Joel always did the gift picking, he always got the perfect things and I flubbed a lot. He always did the "meat" cooking on Christmas(we grilled steaks and did all the normal trimmings, no turkery), he did the videoing and picture taking. Things that I don't have time to do, things that I just don't think about doing. Those little details make the holidays so much more difficult. Those little moments make the days longer and more painful. Everyone seems to think that after the first year things get easier, they all the sudden disappear. They don't. They never will. I knew this from when my brother died, but I guess now it is even more present in my life. You find ways to handle the little things that bring the sting to your eyes that tell you that a cry fest is on the way. You find moments that help ease the pain. However, loosing a spouse when you are so young makes you wonder, how long will this last. How long will these "stinging" moments be a part of my life. How long will I worry about how my children will accept this. There are so many questions and doubts. Christmas and this season only brings it to a clearer point for me. I know my love is spending Christmas with Jesus, again. I know he is in heaven and celebrating in a way we can only imagine. I know all these things, however, it does not make it easier. Not today anyways. Not last night and not right now.

Lack of time, or is it sanity

It seems as though I am getting less and less time to sit down and write down my thoughts and feelings these last few months. I do not know if it is lack of time or a lack of sanity at this point. I like to think it is time, but a partof me feels that a tiny bit of in-sanity and poor organization has a lot to do with it! Between moving, being sick, having sick kids and getting ready for christmas(something I am not sure I am ready to handle full throttle yet), there does not seem to be enough time in the day or night. Moving, most of it is done. Not a lot to do but get settled, put the excess in the attic and de-clutter. Going into half the size of a home is tough!! Sick, not fun, not fun. The worse illness I can remember having in a very long time. Flu and strep, all at one time. Nasty, Nasty stuff! Enough said! Sick kids, this is never fun, because you want to just take it away for them, but you can't. I wish I could because Brenna says to me(she is the sick one this week), "mama, I don't want Brenna to be sick, I don't like this at all!" It is cute but so sad at the same time because other than the medicine and lots of hugs and cuddles you can't do a darn thing for them. Christmas........don't know where to start or where to go. Last year was such a damn fog that I don't remember half of it, I think between the crying and the wine, it is all a big blur. I am not sure what feelings are going to attack me and take over, I am not sure how any of this is going to go. I just want my girls to have a great christmas day and enjoy the holiday. I am having a hard time doing the shopping, Joel always loved to pick out the girls gifts. He was good at it too. I am having a hard time putting up the decorations, he hated them because I "cluttered" the house, but always thought it looked very pretty when I was done. It is just plain hard, all of it. I know it will be for a long time, but I have to be able to pull through it for the girls. Of all things, this is what Joel would want. He would want me to get things going so they have fun and enjoy the holiday and the meaning of it. He would not want them not really knowing the full experience of the holiday. WE will get there. Maybe not this year, and maybe not next, but soon. Very soon. This is why I feel so insane, somedays I want to do it and just get it done, others I don't even want to look at it or think about it and just pretend that it is not here. Oh well. Insane or sane, Christmas is here and I can't avoid it.

The balloons

Yesterday the girls and I went to a birthday party and the girls got balloons. As you know we always let balloons go for Joel. When we got home Bren asked me if she could let her balloon go for Joel, I said sure honey that would be really sweet. I am talking to Joel's mom at this time, so she is listening a little and I am repeating what is happening. Bren let's her balloon go and I said, oh honey we should have moved away from the big tree(she was right under a huge oak tree, there was no way this balloon was going to go up through it!). We always say something when we let balloons go and she said, on her own, "I love you papa and I want you to have my ballon, but I know it got struck in the tree. I hope you can get it." It was so sweet, but still so funny. I was proud of her for this, very proud. Faith went out back and let her's go, but she did not want anyone around, so I am not sure what she said, or if she said anything. It kind of made me sad, but at the same time, proud that she wanted that moment to herself.

Brenna's Ornament and Faith and the stocking

Well, I finally bit the huge bullet! I finally put up the christmas tree. I have had a "naked" (that is what the girls call it) christmas tree in my living room since thursday and today I finally put it off and decorated it. The girls had a great time, they loved looking at the decorations, they don't remember a whole lot of me since we did not put one up last year. I put away all of Joel's ornaments, ones that I bought him, ones he really loved, ones with both of our names on it, they were all wrapped back up and put away. I took them out, showed them to the girls, talked about them, came to tears, then would wrap them back up and put them away. I am not ready to have them on the tree and I guess I kind of want to put them away for the girls so they can have them one day when they are older. They thought they were pretty cool and a few of them they asked to put up, so we did. Before we could get to the tree, I could not find my lights, I know where they are now, but not when we wanted them. So we ran up the road to K-mart and bought lights and looked at ornaments. The girls found these soldier ornaments that are in dress uniform, standing on a rock with a flag and an eagle behind it. They found these and started to look at them and push the buttons on them. This was the kicker, the first song was the army song(or navy/marines....) then the next song was, I will be home for Christmas. I stood there and bauled and bauled. I could not get a grip. The girls really wanted one, but we could not find one that was Army, so I said, sorry...we will have to look somewhere else. Not really intending to, I did not know if I could handle that. Then we found one more Army man in dress uniform, Bren begged and begged for it. I had to let her get it because Faith looked at me very matter of factly and said, "Mama does it remind you of someone?" I said yes it does. Then she said, "well then we HAVE to get it!" That was the end of the discussion. So now I have this ornament in my house, on my tree. I know I will become ok with it over time, but it is just so hard when I hear, I will be home for christmas. Then to top it off, Faith found Joel's stocking. I was getting ready to put it away when she said grabbed it from me and said, "No! WE have to hang it mama, please!" So I decided we will hang it over by Joel's flag box and other "proud of my husband" stuff around it(I call it my shrine for Joel). Then we will write letters to Joel and put them in the stocking and on Christmas day we will tie them on balloons and let them go. I think that will be a special tradition we could do for years.

Hot or Cold

Have you ever looked at the sink handle, the ones that have either a red and blue strip running across the back of the handle, telling you the direction to turn your handle in, or the ones with the blue dots and the red dots(telling you the temperature). I am sure you have!! I have a couple of those in my "new" old house and I grew up knowing that red was hot and blue was cold. It was just normal. Have you ever looked at these handles, lately, as an adult, and thought.....now which one makes the water hot? If you have not, I feel really dumb right now! In the last few weeks, I have done it so often that I am starting to feel like I am showing early on set alzheimers. I know a lot of it is widows moments and just being plane busy with substituting and the girls, but some times, I am not so sure. I just realized today, as I was trying to stay sane and not have to many "Joel" moments(I was substituting in Kindergarten, can't go to emotional on them, they will go crazy!!!) that I was having a lot of "moments" of forgetting what was hot or cold on the faucet. I decided to just blame it on widow moments and not anything else. For goodness sake, I grew up with those "color identifiers", I should know this!! Haha. I hope some of you got a little laugh, and if you experience this too........maybe we can relate!

SPC Mitchel Mutz

On Wednesday, Nov 22, I drove through a small town in South Texas. We were going to a small ranch community near Vicotria TX. As we were driving through Floresville Tx, we drove behind a motorcade of 12 police vehicles escorting a hearse. I knew then that they were bringing home another fallen soldier. I just knew it in my heart. I think I sat there and cried and cried as we drove through the small town, drove through this little community that we saw supporting this soldier, what he gave and his family. My mind immediately went back to the day Joel was brought home. The day that seemed to take forever. So when I returned home, I looked up this small town, and found out who the soldier was. He was a young 23 year old man, from Falls City, TX. He was on his second deployment to Iraq and only a few months into it. He was killed in the same manner Joel was and left behind a mother, father, brother and grandparents. My heart goes out to this family. I understand all to well the pain. I will keep this young man in my prayers and his family. I am greatful that I drove up on this, it made me realize once again how strong on a country we live in and how greatful so many people are.

Random thoughts

It is hard to beleive that one year ago, I was moving through pea soup thick fog. That one year ago I had just buried my husband and tried to move through each day. The 18th of November was the day that we buried Joel in Arlington. On that day this year, I thought of it all day long, what we did at certain times, who I saw, what I did and how I felt. I re-read articles from the funeral and relived that day. I forgot to send flowers and I regret that, very much. I just realized that I did not send flowers for Thanksgiving and I am a little upset with myself. I am going to call right now and put a order in to get it there as soon as possible. I feel like so bad about that. I know it is only his burial site and he is spiritualy not there, it is his body that God leant him, but....I still feel that I need to decorate and take care of him as if it was him. I know that sounds so silly.....but I do not have anything else left to do for him in that way. So....where does this leave me right now. Feeling guilt and regret that I forgot to do something that has seemed so important. I hate widow moments, I hate the forgetfulness that I have and I hate the moments that trigger the feelings of sadness, loneliness and regret. I miss him so much.

Long Time

It has been a while since I have posted anything on the site. Not that I am giving this, not right now. I have just been so busy, with work, the girls, our activities, the house and a very good friend, who has recently become more than a friend. I have been plain busy. More about the friend later, when I am ready to talk about it. I am on a little vacation with the girls right now, down in TX, enjoying the warmer weather than we are used to. We are all enjoying our selves and having a wonderful time. This Thanksgiving is approaching fast and today I am finding myself more unprepaired for it than I thought I was. Last year, Thanksgiving was a fog. We were at a friends house, enjoying the day and company...going through the motions. This year, we are really doing it. The fog has lifted some and we are actually going through the motions and having a Thanksgiving that will truly carry the meaning of the holiday. I am not sure how to do it. I am not sure how to move throught this day. Everyone says the first's are always the hardest, and damnit do I know that from last year and when Bradley died, but they never told me what the second would be like and with Brad, it was so different the second year, I had Joel. I spent Thanksgiving with his family and him. I never went through the second's of Brads's death without Joel in my life. He filled that void, he gave me purpose and joy. I still have purpose and I still have joy, but with these two little girls and their big beautiful eyes looking at me, how do I fulfill their dreams for great holiday wishes. How do I make sure they are satisfied? I know we will make it and I know I can do it, but I just want to make sure that we get there with little disaster and catastrophy. As of this moment, I am not sure. I know I will fulfill some of their dreams this weekend, they get to ride horses this weekend and spend time on a real "ranch", two things Faith has talked a lot about. The horse riding has been a dream since she was 3 and something that she has never forgotten. Her papa promised that he would take her riding some day, when she was older, so I am trying to help fulfill that promise. I just pray it is what he and she would have come up with. I worry that with the holidays coming up, I will fall back into the abyss. I will sink away again and not return. I don't want that to happen. I remember Christmas last year, I always go to midnight mass or a mass on christmas eve and that year, I sat on the couch in my mom's living room and curled up into a ball in the corner of the couch and bauled, telling my parent's I could not go, that I was not ready. I fell into the abyss and slowly dug my way out. I do not want to do that again. I do not want to fall away from my children again. They need me more now than ever. Faith has started her grieving process and I cannot be away from her. It took her a year to start grieving and she needs me now more than ever. She needs a strong mama and I cannot let the holidays and what they meant to Joel and I pull me away from her in her time of need. I did not realize Faith started grieving until I had a little talk with her teacher. I spoke with the school counselor, who then spoke with Faith and we concluded that she just moved into her grieving period, that she finally accepted the death and what it meant. I hate that she has to go through this, in a way, again, and I hate that I have to enter the fog again. But, for my child, I will. My baby needs me and I need her to be healthy and ok with Joel's death. I need her to understand it and accept it and the holidays that come too. So this is only another reason why I need to get through this, to move forward and stay strong. I will figure it out, I just am not sure how to at this moment. I just do not know what the holidays will bring. However, like my therapist said, "you cannot anticipate what you will feel on those days. They have not happened yet. If you try to anticipate your feelings, you will be predicting your mood and the setting for those days." I get it. I understand that, but still......the worry and fear can be overwhelming.

One last post

As I sat here thinking about what I just wrote, I decided I need to write something down, something for me to remember later and something for my girls as they get older. Today as I thought about how I was going through this day, I realized something that I decided was very important. Today is another day, yes it is the one year marker day for me since Joel died, but I miss him every day. I miss him terribly and each day is a blessing that I have with my children and we have to cherish each day and each moment we get. We have to include him daily and honor him. We do this, without fail Joel is a part of our lives. I realized that Sunday was the hardest day for me and the first Sunday of each November will probably be tough for a long time to come. The 6th is a day that I will never forget, but I made a consiouse(sp??) decision to take this day to honor him, to make his memories even more special and not to break down and pull myself into this ball of pain, torture and agony for this day. This is not what my girls need and this is certainly what Joel would not want. I need to remember what his life was about, I need to, especially on this day, teach my girls about their papa and brings up all the memories that we have. I need to help them honor his life and to honor the fact that we made it this year and in the following years, honor all the accomplishments we have had in the years to come. I know this is what Joel would have wanted and i know that this is the best way to do it. I refuse to pull myself into a ball and mourn and grieve all over again, I did it for so long after his death that I don't want to do it again. Iwill feel what I am feeling, feel the pain, the heartache, the loneliness and the love, but I refuse to let it over run me and take me down. I will feel it, acknowldge it and accept it. I will never deny what I feel for my husband and my loss, but I will never let it over take me again. This is how I got through the day. This is how I will get through the next year and the years to come. I will never deny my love for him and I will never hide it from my children, friends or any future people to come. I will never deny the pain, but I will not let it take me down.

One Year today

The one year mark is today, as so many of you know. I guess I stayed away from all types of communication to keep myself sheltered these last few days. This weekend the girls and I just took it easy, we painted pottery on Saturday and then spent the rest of the day with a very good friend of mine, S. Her daughter and my girls had a wonderful day and I had a great time with her. It was a wonderful day and it certainly took my mind off of what day was to come. Yesterday was probably the hardest day for me. It was Sunday and last year, and hour from this time, I received that dreadful knock, that horrific news that no person ever wants to receive, for the second time in my life.(the first being my brother on my first day of college my sophmore year). I just kept remembering what happened one year ago on Sunday, Nov 6th. I remember being on the phone with my best friend, I rememer thinking..."who the hell is knocking on my door after 8pm? Everyone I know knows my kids are in bed and not to knock loudly." That is when I walked around the side of the garage and saw the two men standing there in uniform and I knew. I just knew why they were and all I could do was stand there and think...what, why..how. I remember telling K. that I had to go and I would call her later. I just hung up the phone. I remembered walking to the front door, to the side door, then to the front door again, I was so confused as to which door to go in. I remember going into the front door, sitting on the couch in the great room, looking at Joel's pride and joy t.v. and thinking he will never be there again to see it. I remember trying to listen to the officer reading the orders to me, thinking....what the hell happened here. He has been over there before, this was his third deployment...how could this happen now. My first question was, did he suffer? How did it happen? Can you get my neighbor KG? What am I going to tell my girls?" I am so thankful that they were asleep when this happened. I am so thankful that I gave them some benadryl for their allergies and they went to sleep easily and early. I can only imagine if they had been awake and seen this, heard this from someone else other than me. Oh my God that would have been horrible. I remember sitting there, thinking, this is all the stuff I had been trained in for FRG and here I am, sitting here, the one receiving the news, the one who knows what to do for others, but I cannot do a damn thing for myself. I remember all the people showing up that night to be there for me, for the girls, to just hold me. I am so thankful for all of them, M, S, H, J, M, K, and her mom. I just can't imagine what it would have been like if I had been sitting there by myself. I remember calling Joel's mom, hearing the response in the background, wishing I could change it. I remember calling my mom and hearing the pain in her voice and not being able to talk or listen anymore. Just telling my mom that I needed her here, to come and be with me. Joel filled a void for my mom, Joel was so much like my brother Brad that I think it filled that foid, that it gave my mom some peace and love. When they spoke, they always had good conversations and Joel always laughed at my mom like my brother would. When Joel died, I think that void opened again, and that night as I told my mom about Joel's death, I think I could feel it again, I think I knew how it would affect her. This is the first I have spoke of this, but it is time I do. So after last night, and thinking all these things, feeling some of these things again, I decided this morning that I was going to be as positive as I could today. It is going to be another day for the girls and I to celebrate Joel's life and I was not going to be a crazy sad mama for them today. I could not do that to them again. Not like I did just after Joel died. I broke down in front of them to much right after his death, they don't need that again, they need sanity, peace and resolved confidence to get them through and that is what I wanted to do for them today. i think we did it.

One Year has come and gone

One year has come and gone, Yet our love for you grows strong. You touch our dreams, fill our hearts and continue to remain in our thoughts. My days are sad, my nights are hard, but my life is blessed. We love you for all you were, we love you for all you gave. I stay strong for you, I stay strong for your girls, I stay strong for my life. You touched my life, gave me strength, and continue to give me hope. One year has come and gone, yet your memory lives on. One year has come and gone, yet your love is still strong. One year has come and gone......

Saddness

As I sit here waiting for the kindergarten class to come in, I feel such utter sadness. I don't know where it is coming from or why, I just know that it is there. I just know that I can feel it and it hurts. I wish it would ease up, I wish I could make it go away, but today I am having a tough time doing just that. I guess it is a combination of everything going on, but this sadness feels so deep.....I just wish it would go away.

Yet another google search

This is a rather hard one to explain, but for myself, my friends and my chidren I think it is important. So.... let me start with the hole story. My grandmother, who is between the age of 86 and 88(no one seems to know the correct age) is not doing so well. She is failing fast. She is a fighter, always has been, but in the last few weeks, her fight has dwindled. I don't blame her, not one bit. She fought off cancer, gone through a ton of vascular problems resulting in surgery, lost a husband, a child, three grandchildren, one daughter-in-law, a grandson-in-law and I think two great-grand-children. She has been through a lot, not to include her siblings who have passed on. Let's just say my grandma is ready and has been ready for quite some time to join her family in heaven. After talking to my dad tonight and getting the low down, I decided to look up my grandma Rose on Google, of course I did not find anything. Anything she did is written down in ton's and ton's of journals which I would love to get my hands on some day. I just felt like I needed to see if she is out there, if her history is down anywhere. So after I did that, I again googled Joel's name. I came across the same photo's and articles I have stared at and read so many times, the same pictures I wish would just leap out at me and hold me. The photo's that show that smile that I wish I could see just one more time and kiss it all over. I miss him so much. It is only 7 more days until the year anniversary. A whole year. One fricken year. Somedays I want to scream, others I want to cry, then some I want to shout and say, I am hear, I am alive, I am doing it. I feel so confused at times. So much so that I just don't know what to do. I wish this had never happened, I wish my life was different right now. However, I know that will not change, I know that this year has been real and I cannot change that. I look at people having their babies and at times I get so sad and I wish it had been me. I look at some of them and think and pray, I hope you will have their daddy forever. I know this all sounds so crazy and so random, but a widow's brain is never the same. A widow's brain, as I am figuring out is altered forever and one day the world can seem bright and normal and others it can be as gray and bleak as a snow storm. I wish I never knew what a widow's brain was like, I wish I could never express that, but that is not the case here. I miss Joel so much. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. The girls are doing ok, but they too know what is on us. Faith is getting so clingy and so emtional lately that it is showing in school right now. Bren is doing the same, but she get's through it once I leave. Faith has trouble all day long, she cries at movies in school, and at stories and needs extra hugs. I am praying that once we get through this week and the next, they will both be back to normal. I am praying. I wish I could change it for them, I wish I could make their life different, better and "normal". I know I can't do that, but as a mommy, I wish I could. It hurts so much to see your babies hurting and not being able to do a darn thing about it. I will be ok. I have to, I have these two babies who need me and I also have wonderful friends who keep me going. I will make it, I just need a lot of support these next few days.

Internet Shopping

After the last comment H.S. left, I got to thinking about internet shopping! Darn you are so right H. It is always open! I do spend my money that way to. I wish Banana Republic, Gap, and my new favorite www.piperlime.com were not so good and not so easy to use! I spend way to darn much money there! I guess it does not help that I am getting close to my 1 year mark and I seem to be shopping to ease my pain, agony, frustration and heartache. I seem to try to "ease" myself by "treating" myself and the girls. I guess I do A LOT of retail therapy. The good thing out of this is that the girls and I always have some cute outfits and definately some great shoes!! Not that we always look cute, but we have the potential!! Anyways, I guess I forgot about that form of shopping, or maybe I was in denial about it until H. reminded me!

Busy, Busy, Busy

I have found five minutes to write a few lines. I have just started substituting at Faith's school for a little while and so far so good. I am enjoying being busy and not spending money all day long. Faith loves it too and next year it will be nice having all three of us up here, if I stay here that is. So between the new work and the house(which photo's will be coming soon) I am staying pretty busy. I am now waiting on the floors to be installed and the countertops to be put in. I am so excited I can hardley stand myself. Well, I need to get back to work, if I stay on here to long, I may not be allowed to come back!! Haha

Target

What is it about Target that turns good little kids into total terrors?! My kids were in good moods, happy and having a good time. We saw an old friend(actually an adopted grandmother) and the girls were tickled to see her, so they were really happy. Then just like someone flipped a switch, they were total hellions! Fighting about this, arguing about that, crying because I told them to stop, upset because it took to long to get to the potty. What ever it was, they were sure to get weird about it. As soon as we walked out of Target, got into the car, they were fine. I was so frustrated and plain confused when the switch was flipped off and they were normal. AUGH! Oh well, we needed to go anyways, I spent way to much money in that place! Just thought I would make all of you mom's out there laugh and know that it happens here too and make all of you grandma's out there laugh and say, "it only get's better!" or as my mom says, "just wait."

We love you Nana

On Tuesday morning, Joel's grandmother, Nana passed away. Nana was a strong and determined person who entered this world with huge obstacles to face and overcame all of them. She raised a wonderful son who has great values and strong family ties and beleifs. Nana was proud of each and everyone of her grandchildren and would give anyone an earful about her great family if they would listen. Nana will be missed, but thankfully, as my father-in-law said, "she did not suffer, she was not in pain and now she is in a better place and with her loved ones who have already passed." She did have a long life and did get to see more than so many people. At birth Nana's mother was told she would not live to be two, because of some health problems and look at how wrong she proved those doctors, she had a wonderful life and got over 75 more years than they said she would. I really wanted to go to the funeral, for Nana and for Joel's parents. I just wanted to be there. As I sat down to purchase the tickets, I could not do it, I could not push that last little button to confirm the tickets. The thought of going to another funeral caused so much anxiety, all I could do was sit there and cry and feel as though my chest was going to cave in. I feel as though I should have just made someone else push that button and just go, but.... I could not do that either. I know all of the family understands and can relate to me, but I should have made myself do it. So many people have told me it took them a long time to finally get up the courage to go to one after a traumatic loss. My mom told me the first one was the worst and hardest for her, I just could not get up the courage to do it. I know everyone understands and I will be with them in spirit and will be praying my little heart out during the time of the funeral. So to Nana, we love you and we will miss you. We are so proud of all you accomplished in your life and how far you came and all that you endured. You are a strong and dedicated person. We are proud of you. I am glad that you are with Joel and will be with him to watch over the girls and I and all of our family. God Bless you Nana.

A story for the girls

A few months ago, I had a really really bad few days. Days to the point where I did not want to keep going. Feelings of dread and unsure of how to go on. I got through those days, with help of a great friend, my wonderful girls, my husband and a dream and my therapist. It all started out as a pretty normal day, yardwork and family time, but then something just broke and all the sudden I just felt like I could not go on. I cried and cried, I laid in bed for hours. I called a friend to come over and help me with the girls because I could not just leave them in the living room tending to themselves. I remember very clearly laying in bed and Faith coming in and rubbing my head and asking me if I was ok. I said, "I am just sad honey, I really miss papa. Mama will be ok." She did not come back after that. I remember laying thinking, I can't do this anymore, I miss Joel so much and I decided to start talking to him. That is usually my way to get through tough moments, as crazy as it sounds, it helps me. I laid there, talking to him, telling him that I missed him, that I was afraid I was not doing a good job, afraid that I would make things worse for them and that I was just going all wrong. I remember laying there saying, I just want to be with you, I just want to be where you are. I finally started to get a little drowsy and I remember starting to fall asleep and it felt as though Joel was talking to me. (I beleive he was, I beleive in angels and he is mine and the girls and I know others would tell me I am crazy and taking it to far, but it is my beleif). I could hear Joel tell me, "Mary, those girls need you and you are doing a wonderful job with them. They are happy and they love me and know where I am. That is the best anyone can ask for. Without you Mary, they will not suceed, but with your love and guidance, they will be succesful and happy. Do not give up, you will see me again in time. I love you and beleive in you. I have a whole cheerleading team rooting for you here. Don't give up." I remember saying, "who is cheering for me?" I distinctivly heard, "Your brother, your grandparent's, my grandparent's and our son." All I could say was, "our son?" I heard, "yes Mary, the baby we lost was a boy and his name is Zachary, he has been with Brad." I am half asleep, but I am crying by now and asked, "what does he look like?" Joel said, "he is beautiful, different than the girls, light brown hair, blue eyes and a big smile." I just laid there and cried, I have never dreamt that the baby was a being in heaven, never wondered what sex it was, never imagined a name, just grieved the loss, but was also thankful for the beautiful little girl that came after him and the healthy one I already had. Then I heard, "Mary, he wants to tell you something and know that he loves you." Then in a little voice I heard, "mama, I love you and I am proud of you. I cannot wait to meet you and my sisters. Keep them safe mama." That was it, my dream or conversation ended there. Or that is all I remember. The next thing I remember was being woken up a few hours later by my beautiful girls and they had made me a cake, "a feel better tomorrow cake". They also sang happy birthday to me. That was pretty funny, but while they sang and lit candles and served me cake, I realized that they are wonderful strong little girls who love me and need me, and right there I said a silent prayer and thanked God for all I had and thanked Joel for all he had given me. I know this all sounds crazy and I know my beautiful little girls may think there mama is crazier than they know I am, but it is such a pronounced and strong moment in my life that I need to share it with them and I need them to know about this part of my life and process of learning to live without their papa and to raise them on my own, with the help of strong and willing friends who love me and my girls.

Google

Have you ever googled your name or your spouses name? I have done it a few times, but not in quite a while. Today, for some reason I decided to google my name under the images of google. Up pops a few photo's of me and one of them was linked to www.arlingtoncemetary.net . The link took me to Joel's biography and listing of relevant articles that have been written about him. I read them, again for the 50th time and I think I cried more today than I have in a while. I don't know why today has affected me more than any other Sunday in a while, but for some reason it has. I am glad that I reread this again and took in all the articles and what they had to say. I know I will have more Sundays like this and I know that I will have more random days that affect me. I just am amazed at how google has all this information and my name pops right up. Google, they are amazing.

House Demolition

I wish I had my camera with me yesterday. The girls, two friends, one of their little girls and I decided to knock down a wall at the new house. It was so much fun and such a stress releiver. Faith and Bren were knocking huge holes in the wall and a few times I said, do this one for papa. He would be so proud. So the girls would start yelling, "this is for you papa!" At first Faith thought we were not being nice and she said, "we are not mad at papa, we love him". I said, well Faith, your papa would have loved watching you do this and he would have really loved teaching you how to do this. So, we need to do a few swings of the hammer for papa. They thought that was cool and man, when FAith would do one for papa, she would nail the wall, hard. It was so fun to watch this and I think we all needed a little stress releif. My friend that was with me needed it more than I did and few times we kicked out on of the wall panels and I tell you what, that was exilerating. WE had a great time. S. and I laughed and laughed and put the beating on the wall, we both felt better after beating up the wall. I think I may need to start a demolition business, I would get a lot of stress releif and therapy out of that job!!! Haha. I will be posting pictures of the house soon. The befores are going to be hysterical and I hope the afters are a huge improvement.

Stuff

As I sit here today, I feel good about where the girls and I are at. I feel proud that we are all moving forward in this life and that we are still making Joel a part of our daily lives. We all understand very well that he is dead, but we still involve in our lives by talking about how he would have liked what we were doing, the pride he would have with the choices we make........things like that. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful little girls who keep me going each day and great friends who support me and love me for who I am and what I am doing. I have decided that I am going to wait until January to get a job. Origianlly I was going to try and start in November but then as I got bored, I thought I would go back now. But now as things for the holiday's, the house and just daily life with the girls keep stacking up, I have decided that January would be the best time to go back. I know that seems like a long time and I do need to start back to work, but I don't want to make to many changes for the girls right now. I feel good about this decision, but at the same time, I am feel as though I am ready to work again. I guess I worry that I am not proving enough for the girls and that I am not making a good example. Most days I am busy and don't just sit around to much, but I do have those days where I just am not motivated. I just want to set a good example for the girls and I hope I am doing that.

IN debate

Well, I am still debating about what to do for the girls and I. I have been considering a few things very seriously, but am still up in the air. I am really considering the beach, for many reasons. The first reason being, it was Joel's favorite place and when we first moved to Savannah we spent almost every weekend at the beach. It did not matter what the temperature was, what the weather was like or what moods we were in. We made a point to go walking each weekend on the beach and Faith loved it. We all had a love for the ocean and it became an important part to our life while in Savannah. The second reason being, Faith has so many memories of the ocean and when Bren looks at pictures at the beach, she starts to remember or make up her own memories. I think it might be a special moment for all of us. I have also talked to Joel's parents about this and offered for them to come for the weekend. I thought it might be a good time for us to reconnect, remember and honor him. I know a year will have gone by and it will be a tough day, but it can also be a special time for us. I have to say, one of the reasons for wanting to do something different for this day is because of what I call "my fear". The memories of that day haunt me, all the time. The memories of the knock on the door, making the phone calls, writing the e-mail to let everyone know, the days to follow, telling my children. Those memories haunt me and I am afraid that if I am here, if I am around the house, the memories will haunt me even more. The day will be even more unbearable. I know it is all a fear and I know I have a tendancy to make things seem worse than they really will be.....but I don't want to find out if I am imagining it.....I can not endure what I went through that day and the months to follow, not ever again. Even if it is only reliving those moments , I dont think emotionally I can handle it. Not right now. So I guess I feel like running to the beach with my babies might be the best answer. I know this is rambeled and random......but that is how my brain feels right now. I will figure it all out. I just need to do what is going to make all of us happy and comfortable.

Been A While

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged. Between skating with the girls, dance, gymnastics and the house, I have been so overwhelmed! Well, just plain busy is a better term. We are all doing well. Faith has all of the sudden come into a new little person. She is so happy right now. She is finding humor in almost everything and she has this infectious laugh that makes me grin from ear to ear. The fact that she is finding humor, love, and laughter in her daily life is so important to me. She just has so much life in her. It truly brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart knowing that I am raising a happy, healthy little girl who is going to be ok through all of this stuff. Brenn on the other hand is finding her comical side. She has all the sudden become quite the comedian who loves to make people laugh, loves to dance and entertain. I am convinced this little one is going to be in theater or something. She just cracks me up all day. I kept her home from school a lot last week, and she was constantly keeping me going. Dancing around, helping me do the laundry, cleaning up while she danced. It was so much fun and we both had a great time, until the sleep monster would creep in and she would get grumpy, but.......I will take what I can get! I am realizing that things are shaping up ok and that we are all going to be ok. The girls in the last few days have really showed me that they are pulling through and I will be darn, it did take almost a year. Holy cow. You always here, "the first year is the hardest" and I know that from experience, but to see your child pull through and all of the sudden come out of this darkness into this happy love filled child is amazing. I am so proud of those two little girls. I cannot beleive how strong and amazing they are. In a little less than 7 weeks it will be the one year mark.....I am not sure what to do for this day....a day that will be overwhelming, filled with flashbacks of a year ago and conversations and moments in life I wish I could change. I want to do something special for the girls and I, I wanted to go up to DC, but Faith told me she is not ready to go see papa again, so I do not want to push her. I know we will go again soon, but on her time, not mine. So I was thinking about going to the beach for a few days and just hanging out and remembering the times with Joel that we all spent there. I think it would be good, but maybe to hard for this time. Any suggestions? One friend told me to take the girls to Orlando, down to Disney.....any more suggestions from you all?

Brenna

Tonight my little girls went to bed, no unusual fussing, just the normal stuff.....so I am sitting on the couch, thinking about Steve Irwin's death(the croccodile hunter) and watching a special on Micheal J. Fox. Could I have gotten any more saddness in tv selections?! Bren comes out of her room and says, "mama, will you lay with me?" I said, no, you need to start falling asleep on your own. So she kind of throws a tantrum, starts to walk back to her room, turns around and says, "mama, will you let me snuggle with you?" How can you turn down a question like that, with those sweet little eyes just begging you to say yes? So I cave, let her sit on the couch with me and snuggle and the next thing I know, she is rubbing my arm and asking me, "mama does it make you feel good too?" I always rub their arm or back when I am holding them or laying with them. I guess it is something I got from my mother. I guess it makes Bren feel good and it sure made me feel good too. So the next thing I know, the rubbing stops and she is passed out in my lap, as comfy as can be, as happy as possible. I have not felt that joy of your child falling asleep in your lap for quite a while. I missed it and it made me feel so good, loved and happy. These girls certainly keep me going.

Optimistic

I am feeling a little more optimistic today, and hopefully for sometime to come, can you tell by the changes on the site?! Yeah me!

Speed Skate

I have started speed skating with faith, it is great. We both have a great time and enjoy doing it. I guess I get a kick out of knowing that I am out there, with the silly looking helmet, skating around, looking kind of goofy, but loving it. I get to be with my girls, I get to skate up on them, tickle them and try to get them to go harder. It is a lot of fun. Faith loves it when I skate with her and I hope as she gets older, we will have fun doing it together and maybe racing. She keeps me going and I am enjoying learning how to do all of this and I am enjoying watching Faith go faster and harder each practice. I am getting better, daily and skating has a lot to do with it right now. I enjoy it and I know the girls are having fun. Bren skates a little, but most of the time, she is running around like a little houligan chasing the other kids. She loves it. I am glad we are all doing this and I hope that some day this will be something we do together as a group and enjoy it. My girls, their health and our happiness means so much to me and I know by skating together, that will incorporate all three of those important facts.

Moments

I am getting better, moment by moment. I have my days and I certainly have my moments. The last few days I have had so many different moments. Times where I get a lot done, times where I find myself just fiddeling around on the computer, putting off everything. The good moments are when I have some memories that I have long forgotten about, or put out of my mind. One memory was a good one that I think I pushed out for some reason or another. It was almost three years ago and I had just gotten my orders to PCS from Ft. Stewart to Ft. Benning so that Joel and I could live as a family. He had PCS'd here for a course and found out he would be assigned to 3ID. I had gotten my orders, done most of my out processing and was at home, bored, missing Joel and wanting to just be with him. I had two days before I needed to be back to do some more out processing so I packed up the girls bag's, a few other things and hopped in the car at about 6pm. It is a four hour drive from Savannah to Columbus. I called Joel and asked him what he was doing, did not tell him that we were on our way up there. He was at a book store studying and I asked him where it was at and he was trying to figure out why I needed to know. So, he was giving me directions without knowing it and then he said, "what are you doing? It sounds like caos and why are the girls up?" I said, "well, I am sitting in a parking lot at a bookstore and cleaning up baby throw up." He just laughed and said, you are here? I said yep, come on out. Are you ready to go to your apartment? He was so happy and so surprised. I am so glad that I drove up there, we were all missing eachother. I am glad to have that memory now. I just wish I had done more surprises like that for him. He surprised me once too. He was coming home from Ft. Leavenworth and he called at about 11pm and said, I have about 3 hours left to get home so don't stay awake for me. So I was a little disappointed, I was anxious to see him. So I took a shower to help me go to sleep and as I was getting out of the shower, I looked up and he was standing in the doorway watching me. I was so surprised and so happy. He loved to suprise us and especially in a shocking way. I am so greatful to have those memories. I just desperatly wish we were making more of them. I just wish he was able to teach the girls more of his ways. I miss him so much, my best friend, my love.

Better day(s)

Well, today was by far a better day. I guess I am doing somewhat better. I did need to start doing something along with the other things my therapist advised and I have started skating with my girls. They skate three times a week and this week I skated twice, about an hour each time. I tell you what, to be out there, skating with them, moving around and just getting them going, it is so invigorating and I know Joel would be proud and happy to see me with the girls. I am doing better, not completely myself and not completely out of the hole, but getting there and I know I just need to fight to get all the way out of it. I want to run the 10 miler this october, if it happenes, awesome, but if it does not, then I am not going to get upset and angry about it. It is not worth the stress, it will come again next year, and maybe then I will be better prepared to handle it. I will try to be ready, but I am not going to push harder than necessary right now. My brain and my body will not take it! My girls deserve a whole mama and I realize that right now, that is more important than anything.

Therapist

I just got back from seeing my therapist and I am not doing so well still. He told me, "Mary, you need to start excercising again, you need to feel good about yourself". I know he is right, I just can't seem to get motivated to get down there and run again. I know I can do it, that was my motivation and my outlet before. I am getting so frustrated with myself, like I am not doing enough. I know I will get down there and get moving, I just need some motivation I guess. Don't know if the Army 10 miler is going to happen after all.

hmmmmm

I am not even sure what to do right now. I have my moments. Good moments where I get a lot done, do the things I need to do and then, bam, right in my face I can't do anymore. Am I getting lazy? I just have no energy right now, no motivation. I know I am not lazy, I am just going through a tough period and I need to understand that, but I can't wrap my brain around it right now. I should be able to go, go, go like I always do. I should be able to keep moving and be a good energetic mom who runs, takes care of her girls and keeps life moving. I just can't even get that done. I am getting pretty upset with myself. I am doing the best I can with my girls, but I guess I am not doing what I can for myself and that is probably what is bothering me the most. For instance, I need to start running for the 10k, can't even get the mojo to do that and then I need a hair cut, desperatly(everyone is asking if I am growing it out...no, no, no) and I have not gotten the energery to do that either. AUGH!!! I know I will get there. I have to, but I kind of feel hopeless right now. I will get there. I know I will.

Day By Day

I appreciate all of the thoughts and concerns from all of you. After speaking to my therapist today, I listened to him tell me about 10 times, you need to take it day by day and slow the hell down. I know he is right and I know I just need to start taking it day by day and realize that I just need to get done tonight that will get me going in the morning. That is it. I will work on that, among other things that he suggested. I know I will be ok and I know I will get through this rough period. I just need to slow down and do it all day by day. For a long time it was minute by minute and moment by moment, and for some reason I got out of it and now I am doing it week by week, month by month and it is only making this all to hard for me to deal with. So, I will be ok. I have no other option but to get through this and be ok or me, my girls and for Joel. I will get through this wholely. I just need to SLOW down.

Figured It Out

Well, I think I figured out why I have so little motivation. I think I am slightly depressed. I do not think I am ready to wait 2 weeks to see the therapist, maybe 10 days, but 14 seems like quite a bit. I have people to talk to and ways to let out my anxiety, but having that univolved person who just listens and helps find resolutions or suggestions makes it so much easier to deal with everything. I do not like this feeling at all. I don't like feeling sad, unmotivated...hurting...crying at every song. I think in the last few hours I have heard so many songs that make me think of Joel and miss him. Songs we had sung at our wedding, Keeper of the Stars....Songs he loved....I love this Bar, Angry American, Tiny Dancer.......Why is all of this happening right now? I am so confused, sad.......

A little better

Well, my motivation is getting a little better. I made myself go out and do a few things yesterday and I talked with a friend while I was loading up my car, before I knew it, my car was full and the house more empty. So today I was able to be a little more motivated. I know I will have my days, and I know I need to take a day to do not a darn thing, but right now, I just can't. I need to get a few things done then I can take my day or two. I know I am pushing maybe a little to much, but I just need to get this house clean and done and ready to rent. Just two more days I hope and it will be over!! Thank you all for your support and suggestions. I did do some loud 80's music today and threw the doors open and probably upset a neighbor or two, but.....I acheived my goal for the day!

Motivation, where is it?!?

Well, my motivation is gone again. I have just a few things left to move out of the house, clean the house and some landscaping to do in the back yard and still get the house on the rental market. I just cannot get motivated to get it done. I know I need to, I know I will be angry with myself if I don't get it done by this weekend. I just need to get motivated somehow. Any suggestions? I will be more than happy to entertain any suggestions. I need to do something to get motivated. I just seem to have good intentions, get out to the house, do a little work, find myself thinking about Joel, the girls, my pain and then I am done with the work. That takes all of thirty minutes! I am not getting a whole heck of a lot done at that pace!

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

I have been trying to fall asleep for a little while now and this poem popped into my head. I am a bit of a closet poet(I am not very good, but have always loved to write poems) and so here is the poem. I hope this will help me to sleep, getting it out of my head on the computer. Yesterday.....I held you in my arms, caressed your face, kissed your lips and looked into your eyes. Thinking I would see you again, thinking it won't be long until I see you again. Today.....I am crushed, my heart torn into shreds, blinded by the pain. Unsure of how to go on without you. My life was destroyed by one single blow and my soulmate lost forever. Tomorrow.....I push, I struggle, fighting to stay above water. Determined to win and pursue this life. Knowing that without life, my children will not have life. Knowing that without life, your dreams will disipate. So I fight and struggle, for your memory, your honor and your dreams. For you, I will live. This is not much, but it is exactly what popped into my head and I have yet to write any poems since Joel died. When my brother Bradley died, I wrote many....so many that I am still finding ones I forgot about. I recently found a folder of poems that I had to do for a college lit class and read them, so many of them were related to my pain of Bradley dying and yet, all of them related to the pain that I feel since Joel died. Only two people read those poems, my literature professor and Joel. Ironic that he read these and thought they good.

this and that....

The other night, as I was brushing my teeth, I noticed my "long" tooth, I have one tooth on the top that is a little longer than the rest. It is not to noticeable if you are just looking at me, but if you stare at my teeth, you see it. Joel always poked fun at me for this, so as I noticed it and remembered what he used to say to me about it, and the other "abnormal" things, I got a good laugh. Joel also used to make fun of my nose, I have one nostril that is considerably smaller than the other side, that is due to my multiple broken noses as a kid. My dimples were the other thing, he loved my big dimples, but would always say, "you know those are going to be giant wrinkles when you get old". Then he would do his deep belly laugh and say, but they will be my favorite wrinkles becuase I will remember how beautiful they were. I really wish he was there that night as I picked my abnormalties apart and remembered what he said to me. We both would have had a good laugh and then he would have found my gray hairs, yes I have those too, and he would have really given me hell then! Then I would have started picking on him. He had one real big nostril too, eyebrow hair that grew faster than the hair on his head, huge veins on his leg that I loved to push on and play with and his funny shaped birth marks on his back, waist and left leg(which my faithy has inherited from him). I miss all of those things about him, god how I miss it. I am greatful that I have these memories and that I will be able to share them with my girls and am already. I don't think anyone will ever be able to pick on me like that and make me laugh like he did.

Sore Muscles

Well, a few sore muscles, a ripped of toe nail and a handful of bruises and my whole house is moved. We accomplished what I thought would be the impossible, all of my stuff s out of the old house! Yippee! I just have a crap load of little things to move and a house to clean to get it ready to rent. I am so excited about this. Now it is time to get new floors in the new house and paint all of the walls. I am going to go take pictures this following week and I will post them, and keep you updated with the progress so you can see the transformation of this new house along with my life and the girls. This should be a good, healthy adventure for the girls and I and we are all excited about it. Time to sit in a hot bath and relax these sore muscles and then to get a pedicure to "fix" my sore toe nail, or toney nails as Bren call's them.

Sore Muscles

Well, a few sore muscles, a ripped of toe nail and a handful of bruises and my whole house is moved. We accomplished what I thought would be the impossible, all of my stuff s out of the old house! Yippee! I just have a crap load of little things to move and a house to clean to get it ready to rent. I am so excited about this. Now it is time to get new floors in the new house and paint all of the walls. I am going to go take pictures this following week and I will post them, and keep you updated with the progress so you can see the transformation of this new house along with my life and the girls. This should be a good, healthy adventure for the girls and I and we are all excited about it. Time to sit in a hot bath and relax these sore muscles and then to get a pedicure to "fix" my sore toe nail, or toney nails as Bren call's them.

Explanation of last blog.....

I have re-read and re thought all the stuff I wrote about in the last blog. I don't want anyone to think that I am saying, ok, I am done, I am over all of this and I am moving forward, that is not it at all. I have realized through this time that I won't ever be done grieving my husband, I will grieve him the rest of my life. That is something that I have realized in the last nine years since my brother has died, I have not ever stopped grieving him and I know that I won't. I know I will grieve the loss of Joel the rest of my life and he will be a constant daily part of my life, because of the girls and also because of my life with him, my love for him and dedication to him. I also realize that their is much more to my life that I have left to do for my girls and myself. I am also not saying that I am going to go out and find the next Joe Schmoe that walks along and get married, that is not it at all. I just realize that with my girls and my responsibilities, I cannot rule out anything in my life and that I still have things to teach them. I will do it responsibly and smartly and I will always keep my two beautiful babies first in my life. They will always be first. I guess what I was trying to say in the last blog is that I realize I have a long, long road ahead of me and that I also have a lot of responsiblities. I cannot give up, I cannot lay down and die along with my husband(as much as I would want to some days), I am still very much alive and hopefully God willing have a long life left. I cannot give up living. This is something that my therapist and I have worked hard and long on, I have spent a lot of money on this(haha, lol) and he has finally helped me to realize that although life ends, life does keep moving forward and it is up to us to keep going and see what journey God has for us or to lay down, ignore the signs and left life just slide by. I have two beautiful little girls, I cannot just let life slide by, how unfair would that be to them. I have a lot to work out and a lot to figure out before I make any life altering decisions. I just had an epiphany today and felt ok about it, after talking about it, crying about and denying that I will have to move on(for nine months) I guess I accepted it and felt ok.....I think. I just hope it does not sound like a crazy woman talking. I just write what I am feeling and as many of you know, it sometimes probably does not make a whole hell of a lot of sense. I have to let it out and this is my outlet.

Random thoughts, feelings and concerns...

Well, I guess I have come to a very scary, but very necessary decision.....I think I have been doing this for a while, but I guess I have refused to beleive it or see it. Today while taking Faith to school I was thinking about what we were doing, that Joel would have been there with us, that I was still moving forward even though he is gone and not with us. I guess I have realized that in order to make my girls life less stressful and "normal" I need to keep moving, I need to push forward and keep living. I would rather not be here without Joel, but God obviously has other plans for me and the girls. I have yet to know what that plan is and I know I will never know, but I realize that I must keep living, breathing and eating, that I must still love my husband but also learn to love again even though my true love and soul mate is gone......I think today, as we were standing in the church for school registration, I realized that if God thought I was strong enough to survive this hell and trial put in front of me, he must also have another soul mate for, another true love.........I know all of this sounds crazy and ridicuouls, but.......it has to be true...I am only 29 and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I want my girls to grow up knowing what love is, seeing a husband and wife living and loving and knowing how it works....I want to teach them those things that Joel and I would have taught them....I guess I come from the beleif that without seeing it and being surrounded by it, they will not know how it works. They won't have lived in it(or remembered living in it). I know I can teach them what love is, but......... I have been told by many, many people, good friend and not so good friends and family that I only have one chance with my children and you don't want to mess that up. I realize this and I know I am trying my danmdest to do just that, to not screw up this one shot. So far I think I have done the right thing and will continue to do so, but....if I don't teach them what love and marriage is....won't I be screwing that up? I guess I feel a little confused about all of this, and I know this is a huge and major step, one that some wives have not taken and maybe won't. I guess I am finally admitting some of my strengths and recognizing the fact that I am not screwing up anything with the girls, not yet that is. My girls mean the world to me and I will not let anything or anyone take them or that away from me. I know that Joel will always be my first love, that Joel will always be a permanent part of my life, but I must push forward and not give up, I must let life happen and keep learning, living and growing. I cannot die along with all that has happened to me and the girls, Lord knows I have felt like I was many times and some times still do, but I am getting better with it, I am getting stronger and without my therapist I would not be where I am, that much I know. I will do the best for my girls, always, that much I know I can count on and so can anyone else....

First Day

Faith's first day of school went really well, I think mostly because she was with me the whole time! Tomorrow is her first few hours without me and then Monday will be her first full day of school. She goes to a Catholic School, so they are a little easy on the first few days of school, breaking the little ones in easy as possible. I know she will be fine, this is the school I enrolled her in last December, realizing she needed this as much as I did and that this is what Joel would have wanted me to do. He wanted me to make sure that if anything happened to him, with the ins. money I was to enroll the girls in private school and stash away plenty of money for school and college. I have done so and am proud of my little girl and how she has grown, not only in her education, but also in her faith and feelings about Joel and her memories. She has had a good day so far, but also I think she still is holding in a lot of anxiety about school and being away from me. Everytime we get in the car, she panicks a little and gets a tummy ache and it does not go away until we get out of the car. I am a little worried about this and know I need to get her back into therapy, but.....I don't want to put to much on her. I know she will be ok and I will do the right things for her...I just need to be patient, pray and ask for guidance on the right things and right time for all of this to take place for her. I will make sure to let you all know how her first real day goes. Tomorrow should be good, her teacher is even letting her bring in a very loved picture of Joel and I. She sleeps with it at night and looks at it anytime she feels sad about Joel......boy have I gotten random or what! I will let you know how it all goes tomorrow!

School Days

Tomorrow is Faith's first day of kindergarten. She is excited, but she is also very nervous and anxious about this as well. I have talked to her about how excited Joel was about her starting kindergarten and walking her to her first day of school. She has asked so many questions, that I think it is drilled in her head that this is a time he would have shared with her. I feel kind of guilty about this, but I also feel that it is so important that I don't hide anything about her papa from her, that I keep the lines of communication open and free flowing when it comes to him and life in general. I know there is a few things I can do to make this a little less stressful on her and I will try my hardest to make it happen, but right now I feel as though there is not a whole lot that I can do for her. I am just trying to be mama, supportive, loving and open. I feel like that is all I can do. She has a wonderful teacher who knows a lot about our situation and told me she will be understanding with Faith and I trust that she will. I just worry about my little girls. I know she will be fine, I guess maybe I need to not worry about it so much and trust that she will fall into it just like she has everything else and she will survive. We are all survivors and I know she will sail through this like a champ. I just can't help but worry about her.

Lack of Motivation

Well I guess you could say I have absolutely no motivation right now. I am not sure why or how to get myself going. I have a whole house to move by this weekend. I have only done a small bit of it and when I say small, I mean small, like one or two car loads. I have managed to get Faith's stuff packed for school tomorrow and will get everything finished up tonight for her roud up day tomorrow. That is it though....I just cannot get myself going....I don't know why either. I don't feel depressed, just missing Joel as much as I always do, not feeling sick like I was yesterday......I wish I was feeling motivated, ready to go.....maybe I need to light a fire under my butt! I know I need to get moving.....augh....just a blah day I guess...but I need to get moving some how. Maybe this evening will be better or tomorrow......gotta do something. Just wish I knew how to get myself motivated.

Thank You's

I guess I need some advice. I was driving down the road today, thought of someone I know I have thanked, but knew I needed to thank them again for a few things they have done for me. However, as I wrote this tonight....I realized it is nine months since Joel died and I have only done about 1/4 of all the thanks you's I need to do. I want to send thank yous, but I have about 300 or so left to do. I get so overwhelmed when I think of doing it, writing them.....I just can hardly bare it I guess....is it wrong of me to not write them? Is it wrong of me to just wait for a good time or is it ok to just not do them? I feel wrong about that, but......I don't know if I have the energy. My therapist has told me that it is ok not to, that most people do not expect a thank you during this time, but......what do you all think. I feel kind of rotten not getting this done. When we got married I had all of them done by August, we were married in May, to include that I was gone for the majority of that time doing Army training. Just asking for thoughts or ideas....not sure.....

Wal-mart

Today Faith and I are having some alone time before she starts school. We were running all over Columbus looking for Classic Colored Washable Markers, not a darn store had them! It is pretty crazy, so tomorrow back on the hunt for two more boxes. Anyways...as we were in Wal-Mart(my least favorite store) we were waiting in line to check out, I looking around, Faith is playing and I see the newspaper. There was an article on the front page about another Benning soldier who was killed in Iraq. I picked it up and read it , I don't know why, I still cannot manage to read about or listen to anything regarding Iraq and soldiers dying...I finished the article and realized I was crying a little. An older man behind me walked up and read the paper, looked at me, my KIA bracelet I still wear and had a sad teary look on his face. I just gave a half smile and turned around to finish up paying for our stuff. I feel like I should have said something but I knew I could not. I still get short of breath and anxious when someone asks me what my bracelets mean and who the man is that is engraved on my two bracelets. One is Joel's friend who died 8 years ago and the bracelet he wore and one is Joel's. I still don't know if I am reacting the right way to strangers comments, I still don't know how I should be acting or feeling at times...I still get so damn confused. I pray for the day that clarity comes again, if it will.

Nine months....

Yesterday was the nine month mark since Joel died. I can hardly beleive that nine months has passed but at the same time I can hardly beleive that only nine months have gone by. In three months time it will be one year.....gosh I get so anxious when I think of that...... Yesterday was good for the most part. The girls and I had a decent day, but it was still hard too....I just kept remembering the horrible night that changed our lives forever.....the notifying officer and chaplain knocking on my door...seeing them and instantly knowing why they were there.....hurting so much that I could not feel a damn thing....trying to figure out how to tell my girls.....all those damn feelings kept coming back yesterday....it was so overwhelming but also a reminder of how far I have come and how much Joel has given me and continues to give me through my girls. I know I will get through this, there is no other choice for me to get throguh this.

Home again and on the move again.....

Well, the girls and I got home last Tuesday from our long trip. It was needed for all of us and was relaxing for the most part. We enjoyed seeing all of our family, friends and loved ones who are so far away. We were also so happy to be home again, to be in our home and in our little routine again. The girls are happy to be home and with their "Max" again(our Golden Retreiver). One day after returning home I closed on a new house. I decided to rent out the house that I am in right now and move to a different home. This house that I am in currently has been so hard to be in....it is so much like any of the homes Joel and I lived in our married life. It is set up the same way as most of the other houses....same color scheme.....same furniture just in a different home. It is like I am still waiting for him to walk through the front door at any moment. It did not dawn on me until I got everything in here and came to a stand still....bauling at every moment because it was so similar to all of the other homes. So I made a decision to rent out this house, making a few bucks a month...and move into a new house. Well, not a new house, but a different one. It is a great little home....so different than any other home we ever had. It is an old home, in major need of a face lift and some new life. So I have decided to make this my new project...to breath new life into this home as I do the same thing to my life and the girls....this will be my new job until I am ready to face the work world. I thought I was ready to go to work, by after having a major panic attack and talking to my therapist...I have realized that it is time to step back, work on my life and get "healthy" first before trying to distract myself and go back to work. So we are home and on the move again, the girls are excited and ready to be in this new house. Faith helped me paint their room today and picked out the border and curtains for their room. They are so excited for this. I am glad I am doing this and am proud of myself for the decisions I have made. I think Joel would be proud of me as well.

The Car Ride

Well the car ride went smoother than I thought. The girls were awesome, Maggie slept most of the way, I think she was still sleeping off the benadryl I gave her to help calm her down(per the Vet's advice of course!) The girls either watched movies, slept or colored in the back. They were so good, I was so proud of them. The drive itself was great. It was easier than I thought it would be emotionally for me. I remember good things about the drive, places Joel and I always wished we had time to stop and visit for a day or two, places we hated driving through like Nashville or St Louise(we always tried to plan the times we hit those places, but we always failed and it was comical). Then as we hit Missouri, it was like each 20 miles or so had some sort of memory for me. Gas stations we always stopped at, the McDonalds we always stopped at to eat because it was always clean....silly stuff like that. It was good for me, a lot of great memories, not as hard as I thought it would be, but actually good for me to think back, remember those moments and see all the happy and fun times we had. Those are starting to outway the silly things that we fought about that we thought were so important, but in the big picture, they aren't and I hardly remember most of those things. I would have rather flown, but this road trip ended up being good for all of us and maybe, just maybe it was meant to happen this way....to prove to myself that it is ok to have some fear, but I have to face up to those fears and realize that it is not as bad as I make it to be.

Trip Part II

So to pick up where I left off......I call my mom to tell her about the delay for the first flight two flights. She calls a good friend who used to work for an airline out of SF, they got me hooked up with another flight arriving in SF a little later than I was supposed, well a lot later. The only thing I needed to do was run downstairs, get a new boarding pass and be on my way. So I run downstairs, decide the hell with the 1130 standby, this is a sure deal. So I get downstairs, the dog has to pee, the girls have to pee...so we make a few pitstops...afterall, I am not supposed to leave until 130...it was 1030ish. I get in line, go to the counter, the guy looks up the ticket and because they did not charge mean anything and they linked me up with a delta flight out of Chicago(they basically rerouted me) he said it was illegal and he would not issue me a ticket, he gets his boss and he said the same thing. I am sick to my stomach by now.....wondering how in the world will I make it back upstairs in time. My only option was to kick but, run back up to the gate and get moving. By the time we got through security, all the way down to gate B(for those of you who have been in and out of ATL airport, you know how crazy this is) and by the time I get to the gate, she was calling our names....I was so releived, but not for long. She looks at me and the girls and said.....oh..."there is three of you and we only have two tickets left".....I am so angry I could spit.... but I was to tired from all the running....so I said, to make this worse...that man walking down the tunnel, he has one of our tickets? She said yep. I said to make this even more frustrating how long have you been calling our names? She said for quite a while. I was so darn upset. We missed this flight too! So we get on standby for the 230. I finally call the reservation line and talk to someone more helpful and little more customer friendly and she basically told me that we could be on standy for most of the day, all of the flights were either full or over booked. So I had her check to see how much it would cost to fly out later or purchase new tickets and it could have been anywhere from 1500 and up per person! Ouch....so I tell her I will just wait and go from there. In the mean time, a good friend of mine who took us up to the airport and had been keeping me calm through this crappy morning was on the way back to ATL just in case I decided to call it quits and head back home. I was greatful to find that out when I got the news about the flights. I really needed to get home though, I really needed to see my family, Joel's family and get a break from GA. I had to get home, but I knew and my friend knew that if I went home, I probably would not spend the money to buy new tickets to go home later in the week. So....my friend suggested that we drive to SD and then they would turn around and drive back to GA the next day....so that is what we did. I protested at first, knowing that this would be a crazy and tough trip, but I was told to get in the car, we were going. So I did......scared of how the girls would do on this trip, the dog and scared of how tough the drive was going to be. The last time I drove it, it was with my Joel and we either laughed, argued about bypasses to get through cities or were cleaning up vomit from the "car sick queens" as we called the girls.

Trip Part I

It has been a while since I have gotten on to blog, so I thought I would start with a brief synopsis of my trip. I was right, I should have forced myself to go to bed the night before the trip. I overslept by 10 minutes and by the time we all got to the airport it was 45 minutes before our flight left. Well, Northwest has changed their policy and if you are 45 minutes or less before your flight, you will not get on your scheduled flight. I wish I had known that!!! I would have had my friend drive faster! Well, it started out with us all getting to the counter up at the gate, getting on standby for the next flight....maggie having a stomach ache and making a mess in her crate....a stinky mess at that........not getting on the flight because it was full too...it is now after 8am and we were there at 535am(my flight left at 620). I am upset and shaking, just now taking note that this is the same gate that I sat in to fly out to DC for Joel's funeral, it is the same airport.....I just wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as I could. I am crying at the counter to get my tickets for the next flight, or put on standby that is. So.....the lady at the counter tells me that I need to stop crying and that it won't get me anywhere. I said, I am sorry but I am upset. Blah...blah...blah.....then I said, I need to get out of this aiport...she tells me this is not my fault or my responsibilty, you should have been here on time...I know that....I overslept and I have two kids and a dog.....I said, you need to just listen to me.....she said, it won't change anything....I said, just hear me out,....I am frustrated....so I tell her about the airport and flying out of here for Joel's funeral and I just need to get the hell out of here, that I hate this airport.....she says...."I here excuses all day long, this won't change anything." AUGH!!!!! I wanted to slap her or choke her, I was so angy. Well, my mom is waiting for me to go to the store with her and the girls.....guess you still have to follow mom's rules when you are in her home....I will put more details on later. Stay tuned for the crazy begining to our "vacation".

Baby A.D.G

Today I went and saw a good friend of mine and her new baby girl. It was a good visit and we talked like we had seen eachother frequently...or at least I did, not sure if I let her talk to much now that I think about it. On the drive over to her house, I cried, most of the way because of the fear, anxiety, pain, and nerves. I was unsure of how I would feel holding baby A. I did not know at all. I knew that if Joel were still alivce, the chances that I would pregnant were great...that I could be in her shoes. The thought of seeing my girls holding a baby, not ours, made my heart jump. The thought of seeing this friend, whom I had not seen in a while made me nervous. We all went, more so because the girls were begging me to see them. I am so glad they did, I am so glad that we went and spent the hour with them that we did. The baby is beautiful and the girls were so excited and happy. They looked great holding the baby and were happy, but damn it, it was hard. I did get teary twice, but I made it. I did not baul all over the baby like I thought I may. I am so glad that we went. It was hard, but this moment also made me realize that life keeps moving. That althought Joel is gone, life renews and keeps growning, that I cannot lay down and hide from new life and ignore it. I must face it, especially my friends and cherish this life, relish in it and enjoy what is. I must keep going forward, even on the rough days and remember that although life may have me down now, at some point, when I am ready, it will havce me up again. Joel will never be gone from my life. Joel will never be forgotten. He will always be my first true love, the father of my beautiful babies and the man who made me the woman I am. Joel is eternally a part of my life and even though he is gone, life must and has to go on. I have two little girls who depend on it. Today was a confirmation of that for me. Thank you K, R and Baby A.

Last Moments

It is after midnight and I need to be up in 3 hours and 50 minutes for our 625 am flight out of ATL. I should be sleeping, I should be resting at least, but right now, I can't. Last year at this time, I was holding Joel, enjoying his presence and the feel of his body in our bed. Not knowing that this would be one of the last times I would hold him. Not knowing that tomorrow I would spend the last full day with him before his trip back to Iraq. That the next day would be the last time he got to play with his girls, hold them, kiss them and be their papa in real life. Had I known....how different I would have made those two weeks. Had I known.......how many times would I have told him I loved him. Had I known.....how little those stupid fights would have meant and how fast they would have faded....I would have dropped my issues with "family" and gotten over it for our last moments. Had he known....what would he have done differntly....I don't know, but I am sure I would have heard I love you 100 times more than I did....heard be good for your mama more than the 100 times I did. I can wish and pray for changes all I want...but I know what we had is what we had and I cannot change it. I just wish, lord do I wish we had just one day where we spent it like we would never see eachother again. Done all the things as a family we wanted to do and forgotten about everything else. How I wish we did that. But I still have our memories and our time together. I still have the vision of him with our girls, those moments are so very important.

Trip

Well, we are all getting ready to take a trip back home to see all of the family. I am a little anxious about all of it. We have not been home since March and some of that was a little strained at a times, but it was still good. I am looking forward to it, but still a little anxious. It is hard for me to be around all of Joel's family and the nieces and nephews and watch the girls playing with them. That was Joel's favorite part of our trips home, he loved seeing the girls with their cousins and it is just heart wrenching knowing that he is not their enjoying this with me. I do not know if his family sees that and knows how difficult it is for me to see all of this. I have come to terms with his death, but I have not yet come to terms with the fact that I will be on my own now and he will not be with me on these trips to visit family. I am not sure if I ever will come to terms with it. My therapist ensures me that I will, but.....how does he know if I don't even know!? Oh well. I know this will be fine and the trip will be the break we all need before we start this new school year. Faith starts kindergarten on August 10th and Bren will start in the pre-k room at her daycare. It is all new and exciting, but hard at the same time. I know Joel would have loved walking his little girl to kindergarten and have been so proud and sad at the same time knowing she is getting so big. I am planning on volunteering my nursing skills to the school and also being involved in Faith's classroom. I am looking forward to that and I think it will keep us all very busy. Faith is excited about school and constantly asking me if Papa is proud of her and how big she is getting. I ensure her that he is and that he with her ev3eryday and guiding her. This makes her smile and laugh. Well, I need to get packing and get ready for our trip. We are taking Maggie, our cocker spaniel, so this will only add to the "fun" of traveling with two kids. The girls are excited to show her off to all of the family though.